I would like to start that I have never been beaten or physically abused by any significant others, but I have been mentally abused. There has been instances in various relationships where there was pushing and shoving, but nothing more. There have been only two altercations that got physical, one of which I referred to in my YouTube video, Inner Ninja. So, what I’m bringing is the start of physical abuse – the mental and emotional abuse which leads to the physical.
I was lucky enough to always get out before it led to anything physical, but it wasn’t easy. And not many people understand what actually happens. Some don’t understand how others can allow it and some don’t understand why they have allowed it. And I actually want to break it down, super simple. Because the thing is when they have you mentally and emotionally -it’s done! Bruises and scratches can disappear, but our minds, that is a different story. Those wounds go unseen -unnoticed and yet play such a significant role in our daily lives. Impacting on us in life and in the way we move forward.
So, here is how it starts…
They wheel you in by being everything you ever wanted and more, rephrase act as though they are everything you ever wanted and more. They are crafty, masters of disguise. These men are hunters, they are kind of men are hunting for power not for hunger. They ask all the right questions to have you talking, feeding them with all the information they need to act as the perfect man for you. And you begin to see them as this perfect person for your life; doing all the right things, acting all the right ways and saying all the right things. They make you feel so special like you are their world. Why? So that when they rip it from under you, it’s that much more painful.
It’s all about the build up, so that when the mental fuckery (as I like to call it) begins. You are so embedded into this idea of a person – a relationship, you don’t see it coming, not even acknowledging it happening. Like I said, they are crafty individuals.
Once you have become immersed in the whole idea, it starts… let the games begin!
They start by making you feel like you don’t care about them the way they care about you. Pointing out things they do for you but you don’t do for them -it’s called guilt! They find every reason to make you feel guilty in some way, that’s when you begin to feel low about yourself. Then, they begin to create problems, everything becomes a problem. If you talk to this person it’s a problem, if you go out here it’s a problem, if you wear that skirt it’s a problem. It gets to the point that if you speak to certain individuals it’s a problem; never mind if you try to confide in a friend or even family member.
They will find any way to manipulate your thoughts in the direction they want. Having such a hold over you, because by this point they have made you feel that you are nothing without them. You have lost friends, rarely talk to family, you have no one -suffering in silence. Your thoughts being tormented, they bring you up to just bring you down to bring you up again, and they loved it -it’s a game.
So, throughout this time they are testing you, testing your boundaries, your limitations, your tolerance level. When things are a problem, they show aggression and anger -they make you fear them. How? Their eyes… They turn into a completely different person -same body, different person. It is someone you don’t even recognize, you have no idea who this person is standing in front of you. And, all you can think about is never wanting to see that person again.
So, what do you do? You naturally avoid the ‘problems’, which is how you lose friends, don’t talk to family much and literally have no one. At this point, you are in fully immersed and justified their psychotic behaviour by acting in accordance to rules.
Once they know you fear them, that’s it, they know all they have to do is scare you and you will back down. But as time goes on, the more they scare you, the more you tolerate it.Why? Because just as much as they are testing you, you are testing them… fucked up, right?! So, why do you accept it? Because you feel so defeated at times, so low that you actually begin to believe you are worthless and deserve every bit of the torture. Once you have already been beaten down mentally and emotionally, that’s when it gets taken to the next level.
I wanted to break it down in logic for people to better understand why and how others have endured or we ourselves have endured it. It always helps me to understand the logic behind action. Allowing us pinpoint the things we need to look for. The things we need to watch out for and the things we need to rid ourselves from. It is all about growing and growing comes through understanding. The mind is a powerful thing and when it is weak and played with a lot can happen, it can lead to some scary destinations.
Each and everyone of us has a fighter in them; some more than others, some have yet to discover it, and some had no choice. I’m not an angel, as much as I tolerated, I pushed back. If you yell I yell back, if you’re ready to fight so am I, and believe me I do have a temper when pushed. So, it took some intense scares to have me back down and even then I rarely did. Which is why I always left before it ever got physical, but that doesn’t change the impact that it had on me and for that, I have to share it.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…