I would like to start that I have never been beaten or physically abused by any significant others, there has been instances in various relationships where there was pushing and shoving, but nothing more. There was only one altercation that got physical, which was the one referred to in my YouTube video, Inner Ninja. So, what I’m bringing is the start of physical abuse – the mental and emotional abuse which leads to the physical.
I was lucky enough to always get out before it led to that, but it wasn’t easy, and not many people understand what actually happens. Some don’t understand how others can allow it and some don’t understand why they have allowed it; and I actually want to break it down, super simple. Because the thing is when they have you mentally and emotionally -it’s done! Bruises and stratches can disappear but our minds… those wounds unseen and the ones that go unnoticed and yet play such a significant role in our daily lives, they have such an impact on us in life.
So, here is how it starts…
They wheel you in by being everything you ever wanted and more… rephrase act as though they are everything you ever wanted and more -they are crafty, masters of diguise. Here is the only men are hunters, and these kind of men are hunting for power not for hunger. And they ask all the right questions to have you talking, feeding them with all the information they need to act as the perfect man for you. And you begin to see them as this perfect person for your life, they do all the right things, act all the right ways and say all the right things – they make you feel so special like you are their world. Why? So that when they rip it from under you, it’s that much more painful. It’s all about the build up, so that when the mental fuckery (as I like to call it) begins you are so embedded into this idea of a person – a relationship, you don’t see it coming, you don’t even acknowledge it happening. Like I said, they are crafty individuals.
Once you have become immersed in the whole idea, it starts… let the games begin! They start by making you feel like you don’t care about them the way they care about you, pointing out things they do for you but you don’t do for them -it’s called guilt! They find every reason to make you feel guilty in some way, that’s when you begin you still low about yourself. Then, they begin to create problems, everything becomes a problem. If you talk to this person it’s a problem, if you go out here it’s a problem, if you wear that skirt it’s a problem… It gets to the point that if you speak to certain individuals it’s a problem, nevermind if you try to confide in a friend or even family member. They would have a way to manipulate your thoughts in the direction they wanted. They have such a hold over you, because by this point they have made you feel that you are nothing without them. You have lost friends, rarely talk to family, you have no one -suffering in silence. Your thoughts being tormented, they bring you up to bring you down to bring you up again, and they loved it -it’s a game for them. So, throughout this time they are testing you, testing your boundaries, your limitations, your tolerance level. When things are a problem, they show aggression and anger -they make you fear them. How? Their eyes… They turn into a completely different person -same body, different person. It is someone you don’t even recognize, you have no idea who this person is standing in front of you and all you can think about is never wanting to see that person again. So, what do you do? You naturally avoid the ‘problems’, which is how you lose friends, don’t talk to family much and literally have no one. At this point, you are in fully immersed and have associated and justified their psychotic behaviour with acting in accordance to rules. Once they know you fear them, that’s it, they know they all they have to do is scare you and you will back down. But as time goes on, the more they scare you, the more you tolerate it… Why? Because just as much as they are testing you, you are testing them… fucked up, right?! Why do you accept it? Because you feel so defeated at times, you feel so low that you actually begin to believe you are worthless and deserve every bit of the torture. Once you have already been beaten down mentally and emotionally, that’s when it gets taken to the next level.
I wanted to break it down in logic for people to better understand why and how others have endured or we ourselves have endured it. It always helps me to understand the logic behind action, it allows us to pinpoint the things we need to work on, the things we need to watch out for and the things we need to rid ourselves from. It is all about growing and growing comes through understanding. The mind is a powerful thing and when it is weak and played with a lot can happen, it can lead to some scary destinations.
Each and everyone of us has a fighter in them; some more than others, some have yet to discover it, and some had no choice. I’m not an angel, as much as I tolerated, I pushed back. If you yell I yell back, if you’re ready to fight so am I, and believe me I do have a temper when pushed. So, it took some intense scares to have me back down and even then I rarely did, which is why I always left before it ever got physical, but that doesn’t change the impact that it had on me and for that, I have to share it.