One of the recent things I have learnt about myself is the understanding, patience, consideration I freely give to others, without ever stopping and asking if I am receiving the same in return. I have built a habit of taking the time to really understand others on a different level by observing their behaviours and interactions, understanding to the extent where words are no longer required just motions, granted that actions speak much louder than words. Furthermore, actions illustrate the intent that words aim to hide and what words can’t describe. This habit of mine has definitely granted me the ability to steer clear of nonsense, but it has also led to formulating reasons and justifications for the actions of others due to my understanding of them. My problem is not knowing when to draw the line, not knowing when patience and consideration has crossed over to justification and excuses.
Throughout my life, I have always gone over and above for those I care about, being the person they need me to be and more, always going that extra mile and never getting back the same effort that I put in. I’ve always given reasons that excuse others in their lack reciprocity, their lack of acknowledging or understanding how much effort I am putting in, the extent to which I sacrifice myself -making myself vulnerable, that is, the feeling of vulnerability that I am willing to endure in hopes to create something greater than what I currently know. I make it a point to understand those I give my time too, understanding their core, their soul, that is, what makes them who they are, in order to understand why it is they do the things they do. But at what point, do I draw the line? To what extent to I go in understanding them? And better yet, to what extent are they willing to go to understand me?
For that reason, I learnt to steer clear of nonsense, for not just anyone is worth my time, so it’s been just me, me doing me, finally taking the time to listen to the things I want, rather than spending time looking at what others need. I have managed to shut down any nonsense that comes my way, especially when it comes to guys -I cut that shit real quick, just strictly focused on the end goal. Until now.. something changed, or should I say someone appeared -unexpectedly. Up to this point, I have been able to be strict on those I let close, those I give my time too, but for some reason there is just something I can’t ignore -something I can’t shake. Something inside of me itching to know more, and yet so afraid to explore, but I can’t help but take a leap of faith, dipping my feet to see what it is really all about -who they really are. But again, fearful of the extent that I’ll go to truly understand them, scared of the justifications that I may attribute to their actions or lack of, the patience I will so freely give them -patience that I don’t even give to myself. Despite my nature to steer clear of men, there is just something about them -something that is different – something that has made an impression. For it has been a while since anyone has been able to have such an impact, redirecting my attention -my focus, leaving me with so many questions.
My curiousity pushes me to know more, but the more I understand, the more patience I offer; and the more patience offer, the more justifications I give. But, there comes a point, that I must step back and see things as they are, rather than as I understand them to be, for my time is worth more, so why waste energy in understanding those that don’t understand me, those that don’t take the time and make the effort. Why offer that, which is not being offered to me? There are times they show their interest, progressively opening up, but they still remain very much in their comfort zone, so I ask myself why step out of mine? And, yet I have. But, for what reason? What is it all about? Why is it that I so freely offer them my time -my energy, when they offer me none of theirs? And, yes who they are, can in fact justify the logic behind their lack of action. But, to what extent can lack of action be justified? For if we really wanted something, would we not act on it? Do anything and more to get whatever it is that we want? Therefore, how can I justify lack of action? Even if it is in their nature, for if we really want something, we will break old habits and develop one ones, sole long as it means getting the result we want -we will do whatever it takes to get what we want, we are savages by nature. So, then how can lack of action ever be justified? Yet, I seem to be able to justify their lack of action, how?! And, is it really justification or just an excuse? For the thing is, I will never know. Why? Because, I’ll never get a straight answer, there always seems something to decipher. It leaves unexpectedly twisted.