A lot happened throughout my upbringing which led me to this place of darkness, soullessness, it was a bit rollercoaster, consistent blows. Somewhat never ending… just masking and to this day still happens but, that’s a different story… one that I’ll share later on. But, for now let’s focus on this story.
There is nothing more frustrating or emotionally exhausting, then watching the same thing happen over and over again. Nothing said, nothing done, just nothing -frustrating. It definitely built my tolerance, resulting in the ability to contain composure in the most difficult of situations. That is, the ability to shrug things off as though everything is okay, when in actuality it is everything but. Internalizing everything just to keep up an appearance, which has created this happy go lucky personality of mine. Always looking at the positive in everything situation even in the ugliest of moments.
But, when you internalize, you begin to believe that your pain is a borden on others and for that you carry it alone. And then, something happens, and you crack and when you crack. It becomes an out pour of emotions -uncontrollable emotions. For you have held it inside for so long and haven’t a clue where to start, incapable of communicating effectively. And, depending on the situation it could be rage or a meltdown.
The thing is, I’m that person that holds a little too much in, which as I explained makes it difficult for me to communicate certain things. Throughout the years, it has definitely kept me in silence in moments that required a voice. Offering patience and understanding to those that didn’t deserve it, to those that weren’t worthy. But, it was almost as though I didn’t have a choice.
It was a constant struggle, there was so much that needed to be let out but had to be repressed. Everything was okay! Everything is okay! Nothing happened… And, I became so good, still am, at hiding what is really going on. At brushing things off, as if they don’t matter, when in actuality they are the things that matter the most to me. For years, it felt like I was being eaten alive by everything I held in, still do, everything I was forced to accept. It was torture… still is. Because now I may be in a better place and capable of communicating; I get shunned for it… but again, that’s another story for later on.