front & centre- numb pt. 4

Front & Center – Numb Pt. 4

Aside from the behind the scene noise, there was a lot happening front-and-center. Like I said, I offered patience and understanding to those that didn’t deserve it.

I had just ended a three year relationship, which was actually more like five-six years, three-four years steady and two-three years on and off… The on and off was like we were together, but weren’t together, but were?! You know?! A ‘you’re still mine.. you can’t touch no one… just don’t want to see you right now’ kind of thing. It was a fucked up situation.

This guy had put me through quite a bit, a whole lot of ups and downs. We dated throughout high school into university, growing together. A lot that happened between us throughout the years. There was definitely a lot of intensity in the relationship. At times we are at each other’s throats, other times we wanted nothing else but to be with each other. We had so much passion for one and other, yet we infuriated each other. Pushing buttons, testing limits, but no matter what we always stuck by each other’s side.

Throughout it all, I definitely took a lot of hits… I mean a lot. There was a lot that I held in, a lot that I accepted, I tolerated, because I was so patient.. so understanding. It allowed me to be compassionate -sometimes too compassionate for my own good. And it got to the point, we just went through too much and there was no more room for repair.

Even after all I had grown to accept, something happened that neither of us could fix and come to accept. It was something major, we both took the hit and there was no fixing it. The lost of a child… We both were hurting in our own ways and we destroyed each other over it.

It became toxic, more toxic than ever before. And, enough was enough, I couldn’t do it anymore as the abuse turned physical. And, unlike the background noise, there was a choice to continue accepting and tolerating or put an end to it. And, I choose to close that chapter, as difficult and as scary as it was. It took a lot, both energy and time, but I did it! I walked away… severely wounded… from all of it.

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