Now, because I’ve become such a master at hiding -concealing. I have this on-off switch… you know the one you push when enough is enough and it’s like, “done, cut!”, “end of story”… yeah, that switch. I may sound like a bitch, but it is what it is. It is what keeps me sane, but don’t get me wrong, it still impacts and affects me. I just don’t allow it to distract me -consume me.
With me, straight off the bat, I assess as to whether or not I will entertain your presence, given our interactions, face-to-face interactions -old-school kind of way. From there I further assess as to what role or to what extend I let you in. In other words, I adjust my behaviour according to the vibe. Sometimes I choose wisely, sometimes I don’t. For some individuals are just as good as putting on an act as you, they fool you.
And, there are so many variations to me, based on who I have to be versus who I am; both always intermingled with who I need to be in that moment… I’m complex, what can I say?! Sad part is everyone is always so quick to judge. No one cares to understand or even make the time to understand. It’s much easier to pass judgment, rather than offer consideration. So, I’ve learnt to keep myself very much sheltered -free and opened in one way, but very much guarded in others.
Easily be misunderstood, which is why I’m cautious about the sides of me I’m willing to share, willing to offer and to what extent. And, those that I let close to me, mean a lot to me. I’m an all or nothing kind of person. If I allow you in, it means I have accepted you in all that you are, without judgement; giving my patience, time, respect, loyalty, understanding… my solute. It means I have taken the time to understand who you are and why. That is, complete understanding as too who I need to be for you, rather than who you need to be for me. Often disregarding my emotions for the sake of others, for the sake of peace, putting my feelings aside and just accepting -it’s a sacrifice.
I have been doing it my whole life. Which is why when I’m struck by those closest to me, I hurt more than most. I might not show it, but it’s there, and I’ll tolerate it, because I care.
The problem is my caring blinds me, my love blinds me. Things could be happening right before my eyes, and I don’t realize it until it’s too late. Why?! Because, we see the world as we are… I don’t have malice bone in my body, and therefore, I see no malice in others. Especially in those closest to me, which is partly why I tolerate a lot. But, there comes a point, where that line is crossed and it’s done, there is no turning back. And the chapter must finish, the door must be closed. I pay no means to you, your presence or even the thought of you… you’re dead to me.
And, that is when I flip that switch, it is because I sacrificed a lot and it meant nothing to you and everything to me. And that’s it -finis! It’s easy for me… too easy sometimes, and sometimes you won’t even see it coming. It’s like one wrong move of many and that’s it…it’s done -cut. No warning, and that’s on you, because enough is enough.
The thing is, every time it happens, I become more and more disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. For had I been more aware, had I opened my eyes sooner, I would have seen it coming. I would have adjusted myself accordingly.
Honestly, I just like to know what I’m in for, I like to know straight off the bat. This way I know what I’m getting myself into and prepare myself accordingly, but we don’t always have that luxury.
I don’t like bullshit. I have no time for it. But then again, does anyone? So, flipping the switch is necessary to catching your bullshit for what it is, tolerating and accepting things you shouldn’t have, and that’s why there is no going back.
The whole situation with my ex, all the unresolved issues, along with the constant noise in the background. It was too much and rather than flipping the switch on the situation, I flipped the switch on everything…
It’s a survival mechanism and it comes with a cost…