I just wanted to be free… free from all of it. And to be honest I didn’t care what form it came in or how it was achieved. I was emotionally exhausted. There had been so much swept under the rug, so many wounds left unhealed -opened for infection. And, feeling was the last thing I wanted to do. There was too much that had been built up throughout the years, so much that I was still trying to make sense of and couldn’t. And, rather than dealing with it, I did what I do best -find a solution, a way out, or in other words, hide -avoid, do everything but deal with it…
Let’s just put it this way cocaine is a hell of a drug, mix some alcohol and music in there and BOOM life is nothing but a dream. It was great, it was numbing. Avoidance at its finest. I loved it! It meant I never had actually deal with anything, because it made it so easy to feel nothing. It felt like such a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I’ll never forget the first time, it was such a rush, until we came home. My friend and I went out and partied like rockstars, and then came home to lay in bed wide awake, unable to sleep. It was such a horrible feeling to not be able to sleep, when all you wanted to do was sleep… like helloooooo?! The night was over, time to sleep but, it wasn’t happening. We looked at each other and said never again… yeah, right?! Next weekend we were back at it…
This is the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose… it is the journey that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.