I was addicted to the rush, it was exhilarating… the feeling of nothingness, the escape. It was everything I wanted, freedom from feeling, from thinking. Like I said, it was avoidance at its finest, but without the work. It was easy, simple and sweet. For I may have been able to shut the noise in one way, but not all ways.
The behind-the-scenes was a hell of a rollercoaster, and very present every single day. The fighting, the politics, all the nonsense that was life. It was all so unavoidable. Almost becoming louder, given that I shut out selectively. It was as though is began louder, when I didn’t. And the desire for avoidance just grew.
And, so the weekends of partying turned into a routine. Now I wasn’t partying everyday in the sense of clubbing, but I was definitely using everyday. It came a habit, which made it bearable to deal with the everyday nonsense, that is, the behind-the-scenes drama.
The thing was it didn’t change anything, my unresolved issues, my wounds, were still there, they were just being overlooked -ignored. And, every time the sudden urge to breakdown would come over me, I numbed it over and over and over again. There were days I didn’t sleep, weeks I didn’t sleep… I swear my dealer loved me -I was consistent, most definitely a steady income for them. The avoidance was real… It felt great!! But, as time went on I changed significantly, I didn’t give a shit, I was reckless. As my recklessness grew with time, it wasn’t going unnoticed..