I was addicted to the rush, it was exhilarating… the feeling of nothingness, the escape. It was everything I wanted, freedom from feeling, from thinking. Like I said, it was avoidance at its finest, but without the work. It was easy, simple and sweet. For I may have been able to shut the noise in one way, but not all ways.
The behind-the-scenes was a hell of a rollercoaster, and very present every single day. The fighting, the politics, all the nonsense that was life. It was all so unavoidable. Almost becoming louder, given that I shut out selectively. It was as though is began louder, when I didn’t. And the desire for avoidance just grew.
And, so the weekends of partying turned into a routine. Now I wasn’t partying everyday in the sense of clubbing, but I was definitely using everyday. It came a habit, which made it bearable to deal with the everyday nonsense, that is, the behind-the-scenes drama.
The thing was it didn’t change anything, my unresolved issues, my wounds, were still there, they were just being overlooked -ignored. And, every time the sudden urge to breakdown would come over me, I numbed it over and over and over again. There were days I didn’t sleep, weeks I didn’t sleep… I swear my dealer loved me -I was consistent, most definitely a steady income for them. The avoidance was real… It felt great!! But, as time went on I changed significantly, I didn’t give a shit, I was reckless. As my recklessness grew with time, it wasn’t going unnoticed..
This is the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose… it is the journey that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.