At that point, my parents were ready to talk. They were ready to confront whatever was bothering me, whatever I was holding in, but the thing was what is the purpose? For it would all just have been shoved under the rug. Nothing could be done about it. What was done was done. What was the use in talking now? No point. I left it alone, because even if it did matter bring to it up, nothing would change, so again, why waste my energy? Why consume my time with such nonsense? Why not continue living as though I was insignificant? Unimportant? And why not do it with ease? Why not go back to easy, simple and sweet? It would make dealing with everything a whole lot easier.

As mentioned earlier, acceptance was survival, for no matter how much anything impacted me, nothing impacted me… if you know what I mean. I was the master of disguise. The thing that hurt the most wasn’t what I couldn’t control, for I had no choice but to accept it. And, that is what disappointed me the most. 

I couldn’t control the behind-the-scenes drama, but I could control my front-and-center, I had a choice on who to let in… and I choose wrong, not once but twice. For so long I had been disappointed by those I loved, but this time I was disappointed with myself, and believe it or not, that was a much harder pill to swallow. So, what did I do…. I did what I do best…

I flipped the switch yet again, but this time on life, but to an extend like never before -nothing mattered. What was the purpose in caring? Anything I gave myself too, disappointed me, hurt me, destroyed me, so what was the point? Why not flip the switch? And that was when all hell broke loose… I didn’t give a fuck.. sad but the true. 

I had so many wounds, and I became even better at hiding, hiding everything that hurt me. It became second nature. How I saw it was… what was the purpose in feeling? So much had happened throughout the years, there is nothing I could do about it, I just had to deal with it. And, in addition to that, even if I expressed how I felt, what would it change? What happen happened and there was nothing I could say or do to change it, so tell me… why the fuck would I want to feel it? It served no purpose.

So, the drugs continued and this time it escalated… I was reckless, more reckless than ever…

< < Part 11

Part 13 >>

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