It was ironic. As there I was looking for an escape to only find out there was no escaping -there was only masking. For it was my life transposed in an alternate world. And, there were moments where I stood there, taking everything in, observing… making the reference without making the change. And, so many were on that same boat, so many desiring for something different, and yet never putting it in motion.
And, there I was a world the exact same as the one I was looking to escape. In other words, a world where everyone was looking for a way out, always chasing something… running away, or rather should I say running toward something. That is, the high, and then the escape, then back to the high again. For they would find a way out to only find themselves looking for a way back in to again… and to then only look for a way out.
And, there it was… a vicious cycle. One that was never ending.
For it was my life just in a different world. The same nonsense in a different form. The same routine. And the same bullshit… the same vicious cycle. Just happening a lot more frequently. The same volcanic eruption that would take months sometimes years to unfold, would take seconds and minutes. And, the recovery process that would take months sometimes years, would take days and weeks, sometimes minutes.
For the way they sought out their night, was the way I sought out my life -it was the way I dealt with everything. That is, always looking for an escape, a way out. And, now there is a lot I haven’t shared about my behind-the-scenes, and there are many reason for that, reasons I won’t go into… So, when reading this, it may not seem to be a big realization, but it truly was, something which you will come to understand later.
There were nights where I felt like I watching a movie on repeat, people making the same reckless decisions over and over, yet desiring change weekend after weekend, and never learning, never improving -only getting worst, and it was quite sad. And, seeing people do things that compromised who they were, things that maybe they wouldn’t have done had they been in their right mind. But there were instances I couldn’t help of think if it was really who they were, just magnified. For the way they compromised their self-worth was the way I compromised self-love.