Recently, I have taken the time to step back, take a moment to see exactly what it is that I’m telling the universe. And, it is was interesting. Because, in the end of it all, what I wanted from the universe was the vary thing that I was blocking. The whole time I had thought that my actions were a true illustration of what I wanted… what I valued and they were not.
The thing is, our minds say one thing, while our bodies do another, the problem lies in the chaos. If there is no harmony between that which we claim to desire and the actions we take, nothing will come of it. And, the thing is we won’t even know why, because so many of us fail to take a step back and assess what it is our actions are putting out in the universe. We rather place blame on everything and everyone else, then even begin attempting to understand ourselves and why we do the things we do. There are things in our lives that we are unhappy about, things that we want to change, things that we have tried to change, yet it is almost as though nothing changes… it’s the same shit on repeat. So, what’s the problem? We are saying one thing and doing other, but here is the thing, we don’t realize it… we are so blinded by our way of being, we fail to acknowledge whether or not our actions are a true illustration of what we want. The universe will only give us what we are ready for, and the only way for the universe to know if we are ready for anything, is through the actions we take, whether it taking action or not taking action, all of it is the way in which we communicate to the universe what we want and what we are ready for. Therefore, if something is missing or lacking in your life, chances are you are not accurately communicating what you want, that is, you are not acting in accordance with the things you claim to desire. So, what do you do? Take a step back and assess what your sending out to the universe.
I recently did a bit of soul searching myself, analyzing my surroundings, along with my relationships, in order to see exactly what message I’m sending to the universe. For there are so many things that are happening in my life and with that comes doubt, we invest yourselves without knowing whether or not we it will lead us to where we want to go. It is scary. And honestly, who wants to waste time and energy on something that is not offering you anything? So, I sat there thinking and asked myself, what is it that I want? Success. Love. Happiness. Health. Then, I asked myself, what am I doing to get those vary things? Better yet, what am I consistently doing? What am I accepting and allowing to continue that has not enabled to get the some of the things I want? What is blocking me? You see, there are things we hold on to without even knowing, there are things we refuse to let go of -things we bury deep inside of us, which block us from acting on the vary things we want. It is almost as though we purposely do this to prove something to ourselves, whether it be that we don’t deserve something or we are incapable of it, we do it, to avoid dealing with whatever we are holding on to… we do it for comfort. But, comfort isn’t going to get us want we want, because if it was, then we would already have it.
So, I sat there reflecting on all that is in relation to the things I want. One of the things that is extremely important to me is love, I want to be loved and I want to share my love. But, how I go about it will determine whether or not it actually happens.
I’m going to share a story with you. So, there was this guy. I liked him, he caught my attention right off the bat, and to be honest it’s been while since anyone has done that. At the time, I had two guys extremely interested in me, nothing serious… dates here and there, but once I met this guy, I stopped everything. There is just something about him, so I went with it. I put myself off the market, so to say, we had a good vibe, it was intriguing. And, I wanted to know him, take the time to understand him without any distractions, he was someone I saw as deserving better than that, and I offered him nothing but patience. For his situation was a complicated and confusing one, but let’s face whose isn’t, I know mine is, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to at least understand. So, I did. There were times that I felt he didn’t care, times I felt meaningless in his life, and I excused his behaviour and disguised it as being considerate and understanding. And, as time went on, there was improvements and progress, but it was almost as if every time we took step foreard we took two steps back. And, I was patient. Until…. his birthday. I had gone out of my way to get him a gift, and I had suggested more than twice to hang out, and the last time I asked, I even specified that it was the last time I was asking. The first time I asked, there was family over and I totally got that, second time same kind of thing so again I totally get it… now the third time, I got nothing -no message, no “hey lets hang out another day” -nothing. And, I was upset. Super upset. I felt so insignificant, yet I had been making him so significant, taking the time to understand and get to know him in hopes that something would flourish. I had prioritized him, while he couldn’t be bothered. I have been offering nothing but justification for why this individual can’t show love… I have consistently excused their actions, sacrificing how I have felt, thinking that putting in the effort it could go somewhere. But, here is the thing I was putting effort into something, someone, that wasn’t willing to offer it back. Therefore, what are my actions telling the universe? Here I am willing to sacrifice what loves means to me, excusing and justifying behaviour disguising it as being understanding, regardless of how I felt in the lack of effort taken, yet I’m asking the universe for love… funny, eh? Because this showed the universe just how much I valued myself… I didn’t. For if I did, I would have stayed true to what I wanted, namely to be loved and share my love, but in this situation I was the only sharing and I was wanting to be loved, cared for, by someone who isn’t willing to offer it. Therefore, how bad do I really want, what I say I want, if I’m willing to sacrifice the vary thing I want? Crazy, right?! No wonder I’m not getting what I want!!! I’m literally telling the universe I don’t matter and what I want is insignificant.
The thing is, we do this on the regular without even acknowledging. Why? Because there are things that block us, things that we bury so deep in our souls and deny their impact… things that we don’t think affect us, but in actuality affect us the most. See, it is the things we are avoiding that impact us the most and leads us to acting out of contradiction and not in accordance with the things we want. The only way to discover what is blocking you from getting what you want, is to first acknowledge that you are in fact blocking yourself and from there it is a whole lot of question asking… Why this? Why that?… until you eventually arrive at some sort of fear, judgment, or assumption, and at that point you have a choice, you can continue holding onto whatever it is you are holding onto or you can let go of it and see what it brings. Because, as much as we can blame others for the outcome or even excuse our actions or lack of, it isn’t going to change anything, because nothing is being changed to change. Someone told me, “if you keep running into the same problem, you are the problem”, so take a moment to ask yourself what you want from life? And, are your actions a true illustration of what you want? Because, if you can’t stay committed to what you want, then why should the universe give it to you?
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…
NUMB SERIES This was a moment in my life that was life changing, eye opening, mouth dropping… a moment where I felt nothing, numb to all that was, it was my way of coping.. until I realized the consequences…
ABROAD This is story about the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose. The journey abroad that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.