As much as I didn’t want to be part of that world, I felt nothing. It didn’t phase me. I was so numb to everything. Nothing surprised me, nothing shocked me… I had zero attachment to anything. And, as much as I was surrounded by many, I never felt so alone. On self-destruct, literally my own worst enemy. I was so disappointed in myself…the choices I made, the people I let in, the people I pushed away -so disappointed. Misjudged so much, allowing people in, failing to see them for who they were, and not being smart enough to anticipate their fuckery. I should know better. After all, I’ve lived my life with such a crafty character, one of many masks.
Throughout the years, I’ve come to realize that actions speak much louder, then words. I guess you can say that’s why I’m observant in more ways, than one; always reading into body language, feeling out the vibe, observing the nittiest of things, so that I can understand the situation and adapt I don’t ask questions or correct, I just go with it. For that is how you truly come to know someone by allowing them to be themselves.
Anyways, going back, the thing that disappointed me the most was I failed myself, failed to hold myself a float, hold my shit together. And, the fact that I was doing what I was doing, didn’t make it any better, it actually made at worst… I was even more of a failure… and I saw myself as weak. So lost, trapped in my bubble feeling all alone without any idea on how to get out. I didn’t even know where to start. But then it happened.