And, there it was… the opportunity presented itself… the opportunity that ended it all. And, I took it! I didn’t care what would come of it, much like I didn’t care about anything else, which is why I went for it. Why was I going to care about how it looked? When I didn’t care how it seemed? There was something I wanted, and that was out. So it didn’t matter how it looked, I wanted out, people are going to talk anyways… so be it! Like I said, do what needs to done, especially if it’s something you really want.
This next bit is incredibly hard to share, so please be kind, it could change your view of me and that’s a scary thought for me, because it could go one of two ways. But again, it is what it is. So as I share this next bit of my life with complete vulnerability, please be considerate as to what to takes to share it, that is, my truth as…
Here it goes…
I had spent a weekend partying, nothing new. It was a weekend of insanity, I went harder than I ever did before, it was a Comfort Zone kind of weekend and, for those of you that don’t know Comfort Zone, it’s an after hours, but very different than most. Parties from Friday night straight to Sunday morning, and anything and everything is available, and you could freely bring whatever it is you wanted -nothing would get confiscated. Trust me as I know first hand, as I walked in with 100 pills in a Skittles pack.
It started out on a Friday night, which led to Comfort Zone. There I was, standing outside smoking my cigarette before walking in. I’ll never forget. I remember walking up the stairs… kind of scared… why? Because I was carrying. I approached the bouncer, he checked me, found the drugs, looked at me and dismissed it, as if it was nothing -just skittles. Sick!
And, so the party begins!
The party goes until Saturday evening. I was exhausted and just needed to whine down, but there was no way I could have gone home, I was so sketched out. So, rather than going home, I went to a friend’s house. A friend that was close to the family and knew everything about the drug world all too well. Even though I wasn’t ‘out’, didn’t mean I wasn’t using -like said, I built my tolerance…
But, that weekend was a different level. I was literally on another planet, and she totally knew… it was obvious. When I say I was on a whole other planet, I don’t even think I was part of this galaxy, literally grabbed her daughter’s shoes thinking they were mine. I’m telling you I was out of this world. And, for that reason, she told my mom, and as much as I hate rats, I’m so grateful. It was a blessing, she gave me a way out… it was an opportunity.
I came home Sunday evening, and my mom confronts directly, just me and her. The fucked part was I was still high, high as a fucking kite, not as bad as before, but very much high. She totally knew and the conversation escalated, but I managed to control it, spitting a bunch of lies to get out of situation. I was good, I could have won an award for the performance I put on. After all, I learnt from the best.
And as much as, I said I was done, I wasn’t done… or at least I didn’t know it yet… I wasn’t ready to make the commitment… One foot in, one foot out. Once I controlled the flow of the conversation, I suggested a walk and actually took pills before heading out… I’m telling you I was fucked… and that’s when everything hit me… that’s when I made the decision.