Shame – Pt. 26

As much as I was excited that Monday was only a few hours away and I would be able to go home, I dreaded it, for it meant I had to walk into a courtroom cuffed.. my parents would be there…

I had such shame walking into that courtroom, it was one of the most shameful moments of my life, walking out in a line, single file, cuffed to one and other. I didn’t even know these people, I didn’t want to know these people… I wanted no part of any of it. I stood there awaiting the verdict on whether or not I would be granted bail, and thankfully, I was. I was given conditions I had to obide by, I had to be home at a certain hour, I couldn’t be in the entertainment district or consume any narcotics; which wasn’t a problem to me, I was over the moment I told my mom to call 911 the day before – I was done with the illusion of ‘escaping’. I just wanted it to be over and done with, I just wanted to go home and hide. I didn’t want anyone to see my face, I was so ashamed… but again, I was feeling and that was probably the greatest thing ever regardless of how terrible it was to feel at that moment. I deserved it… I needed it… I had to feel it to ensure that I would always remember just how terrible it all was… I never wanted to be back there again, and I don’t mean just jail, I mean the whole thing -who was, who I became, the things consumed me, the people that surrounded me… it was all so ugly. I hit rock bottom and it was time to deal with it, and as afraid as I was, it was the beginning of a new chapter…

 

To be continued…

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