shame - numb pt. 26

Shame – Numb Pt. 26

As much as I was excited that Monday was only a few hours away and I would be able to go home, I dreaded it. For it meant I had to walk into a courtroom cuffed and my parents would be there.

Biggest walk of shame anyone could ever do. Such disappointment in myself as I walked into that courtroom. It was one of the most shameful moments of my life. Walking out in a line, single file, cuffed to one and other. I didn’t even know these people, and I didn’t want to know these people. I wanted no part of any of it. And as I stood there awaiting the verdict on whether or not I would be granted bail, all I could think about was the shame I felt. And, part of me was so worried that I wouldn’t be given a second opportunity. For I dug myself so deep.

But thankfully, I was granted bail ten grand later, along with conditions I had to abide by. And the conditions were as follows: I had to be home at a certain hour and couldn’t be in the entertainment district or consume any narcotics for a year. Which wasn’t a problem to me, for I was over it all the moment I told my mom to call 911 the day before. The illusion of ‘escaping’ was over for me. 

I just wanted it to be over and done with, just wanted to go home and hide. I didn’t want anyone to see my face, so ashamed… but again, I was feeling. And that was probably the greatest thing ever regardless of how terrible it was to feel at that moment. Because I deserved it… needed it… I had to feel it to ensure that I would always remember just how terrible the whole thing was. For I never wanted to be back there again. And I don’t mean just jail, I mean the whole thing -who was, who I became, the things consumed me, the people that surrounded me… it was all so ugly. I hit rock bottom and it was time to deal with it, and as afraid as I was, it was the beginning of a new chapter…

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