recovery - numb pt. 27

Recovery – Numb Pt. 27

The recovery process was torture, the body aches. I could not sleep comfortably for days, couldn’t eat without throwing up, I couldn’t walk… OMG! I couldn’t walk!! Of course, I couldn’t walk. For the E had drained my spinal fluid and it was terrible. 

And, to this day I hold my mom in the highest for standing by my side through all of it. From sleeping with me on the couch to ensuring something stayed down, she was there for it all. And it was interesting to see who was there and who wasn’t. It was a period in my life that I was able to step back and really see things as they were. It showed me who was who in my life. People that I would least expect were the ones that stood by my side. And, the ones I expected would be there were no where to be found.

However, as much as I had my mom along with a couple of friends. I still couldn’t help but feel alone, so alone. It was me and only me that could get out of this. Me and only me that could change the story, no one could do it for me -I had to do it! I had a choice on whether to continue numbing or get the fuck over my shit and move forward. 

For this was an opportunity to start fresh, literally from nothing… it was my rock bottom. And as much as, I wanted to throw myself a pity party. That is, crying and torturing myself over everything that had happened. Everything I had done, everything I had put my parents through… What would it offer me? What would it give me? Except potentially lead me down the vary path I never wanted to go down again. Because regardless of how good it felt too numb and not feel, it was SOOOOOOOOO much better to feel. 

And even, if it meant feeling like a complete piece of shit… feel it, embrace it, I deserve it! I engrained in my memory, so that I would never go back there again. It wasn’t at all how I wanted my life to be. I was in university for goodness sake studying with the intention of being a lawyer… what was I doing?

So rather than beating myself up about everything. I saw it as an opportunity, there was no way in hell I was going to stay down. Fuck that shit! This was a fresh start. And yes, it was from ground zero, but I rather start at zero, then not start at all. 

So, the next step was dealing with the conviction, possession for the purpose. And, that’s a serious conviction, and if charged. It would determine my whole future. And, that scared the shit out of me..

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