Not This Time

It feels surreal, part of me still can’t believe I did it. Just pack up my shit and leave, take off to a completely different country to start a new life. It’s actually incredible. It feels so liberating… it feels like I’m finally doing something right in my life. But, I’m leaving a lot behind, and it’s hard… it is hard to let go, especially when everything that you are letting go of are the vary things you define use to yourself. My family, friends, connections… material objects (which we shouldn’t use to define ourselves, yet we do it all the time)… essentially everything I have ever known to be part of my existence is now a faded memory. You would think I would be lonely, sad and worried, but in actuality I’m everything but that. And, that feels great. But, one thing which I can’t deny is the guilt I feel and felt, leaving my family… especially when they need me most, but one of the things I realized is there will never be a time in which I don’t feel that guilt. And even if I stayed I wouldn’t be able to change the circumstance of that which is our life.

So it was either I stay, unable to change anything and continue feeling helpless… hopeless, feeling all the hurt and pain and not being able to do anything about it, or I go on this journey to live out my life’s purpose and give back in ways that I have always wanted… always desired. As I said prior, the city was affecting me in ways that didn’t allow me to live a life of purpose, for it pulled in many different directions. It was draining… day in and day out, especially when no matter how much energy you put in… no matter how much you wanted to put a stop to the chaos, there was no way to do it… it was a matter of tolerating… enduring…. and it had been feeling that for so long and it was all sincerely affecting me in ways that quite frankly frightened me… surrounded by people more focused on their appearance than their soul… people who would rather show support than offer it… lost with no direction on what to do… it brought about demons from the past that I wanted nothing to do with. So, it was almost as though I had to leave before dooms day struck and there would be no turning back… not this time. And, let me tell you it is scary as shit, not knowing how any of this is going to turn out. But, do we ever know how anything is going to turn out?

We don’t, we could only assume, but in the end it is within our power to turn things around and into that which we desire, so why be afraid? Instead, one should feel liberated at the fact we have this power within us, empowered in knowing that at any moment we can turn things around. For we have the ability to truly redefine ourselves, create something new for ourselves… in this moment, and any moment for that matter. For me, starting something new, creating something different for my life wasn’t going to happen in the city, too many distractions, my energy pulled in too many different directions, literally making it near to impossible to focus on my soul’s purpose… all noise that surrounded me living the city life, especially my life. I found myself somehow always being pulled back into my old ways, not having the clarity to fight through it… just so angry, hurt… bothered…. frustration… yet always finding ways to smile, because it was so natural… it was routine. It was all I knew…

And, though there are some people would might think I’m crazy trading in my penthouse suite in downtown Toronto with an incredible city view for a simple life beside the ocean with nature as my next door neighbour… crazy for trading in my stilettos for flip flops, fancy clothes for bikinis and simple wear… but I can tell you I’m not crazy… not this time, I have my mind straighter than ever. This one way has liberated me from my old ways, gives me the ability to focus on myself, rather than distracting myself… focus on who it is I am, what it is I love… helping others, while at the same time helping me… it grants me the peace I need to do the things I desire to do, live a life dedicated to serving others without disrupting my inner peace… giving the opportunity to accomplish the goals I aim to accomplish, achieve the lifestyle I long for and ultimately give me a life worth living. A life where I could continue helping others, being there for others, offering my wisdom, my heart and soul without compromising myself. It gives me the energy, the vibrations needed to truly uplift myself and all those around me. It grants me the ability to be the best possible version of myself I could possibly be, simply by offering me a simple life in peace, in stillness and in silence, which is exactly what I need to live out my life’s purpose… my soul’s purpose.

It’s only been a few days and the clarity that I have is incredible, the silence within myself… the stillness is undescrible. And a part of me knows that this is home, regardless of how hard it is and how much I miss the people I love. This is where I am meant to be, what I am meant to do and what most definitely needs to be done. And, somehow that certainty outweighs the guilt of leaving my family in these moments. For this time, I won’t allow myself to fall, this time failure isn’t an option… because this time it is the beginning of something unbelievable. Me finally creating something I once thought inconcievable, something I actually never thought possible… success. For I have failed so much in my life, that I felt trapped by failure, and even the moments when I did succeed, it didn’t mean anything, because I had failed so much. And due to that, a lot of the time, I would question myself, doubt myself, not knowing if I was making the right choices. But not this time, I know I made the right choice, and I am making the right moves. For this one way ticket is creating the possibility for me to help others the way in which I have always wanted, while giving me the peace I’ve always needed. I’m no longer drained, exhausted or overwhelmed. I’m in complete bliss..

This one way ticket keeps me far enough to be incapable from taking on other people’s pains, hurt and problems as my own, but keeps me close enough to still guide them and help them through… and that is all I ever wanted. That is, to be at peace while I help others. For this would never be possible for me in the city, life was way too complicated, even if I tried to uncomplicate it… I just feel too much… I sense things… insightful you could say… intuitive in many ways… it’s actually a gift I have, something I’m tapping into now that I’m away from it all. I’ll tell you about it soon… it’s quite magical.