I always thought of myself as a city girl, living the fancy kind of lifestyle… knowing all the hot spots, having all the hook ups, keeping up with the latest events, parties and people. For a while I was immersed in it all, I loved it, I was the go-to person for it all, having a multitude of friends in a variety of places, knowing every kind of person from drug dealers and criminals to lawyers and doctors. I was and still am a person that doesn’t judge, and having walked a few different paths in my life, I can’t judge, because what I could say about others could mostly definitely be said about me.
And, being so opened and welcoming to different walks of life, it gave me the ability to get things done, it kept me strong and powerful… people needed me, people relied on me, counted on me… I meant something of some sorts, but as time went on found myself straying away from the scene… from that lifestyle.
Sure, it felt great, but it became exhausting, especially as my life grew more complicated over the last few years. And, let me tell you it’s been a rollercoaster ride, days I feel on top of the world then days I feel defeated, yet always putting a smile on my face and being that person everyone knows me to be… the fancy city girl in the know with the connections. And, I loved it, even on days I felt defeated, because it fulfilled this image I had of myself… that is, the fancy city girl… something I thought I wanted… something I thought was me, until I realized that it really isn’t.
For so long I have associated myself as this city girl, and quite honestly it felt quite empowering at the beginning, but in actuality it wasn;t empowering at all. The whole scene… the city is all about appearances, making life appear as one way when it is clearly another… going to events and outings to simply have something to share, majority of the time being spent on the social media, rather than having a conversation or even present to what was happening… and, let’s not talk about the savagary that comes with not being current… ughhh, it is all so irritating.
The city almost makes you… forces you to become some sort of person… that is, a souless person… looking only at the way in which things appear before all else. And for that, I began to hate it… so much judgments everywhere, assumptions and unwarranted nonsense, all on top of everything I was carrying on my shoulders.
It became so exhausting, having to be this person to everyone, always putting a smile on my face as though everything is okay, holding it together for everyone around me, as a died inside. Pretending to be someone I’m not, someone that could find peace amongst the chaos that was her life… when actuality, it was all a distraction. Living this fancy city girl lifestyles, being this go-to person, was all a distraction. For it allowed me to focus on everyone else, but myself… it allowed me to help solve other people’s problems while avoiding my own… it gave me the noise I need to drown myself out.
For a long I was scared of being alone with my thoughts, scared of what would painful memory would fill my mind. And, that kind of bothered me, it bothered me that I couldn’t even sit with myself, to afraid of what the bitch that lives in my head would say. But, then one day I started writing, I don’t know what it was, maybe I was feeling super creative after smoking a joint and having two glasses of wine. But, I sat there and wrote, and as scared as I was to allow my mind to free itself… scared of the potential memories that would come flooding in… I felt liberated. I felt I finally had a voice, and that for me is huge, because I’ve never felt I’ve had a voice… and writing gave me out. It set my soul free.
The more I wrote the less afraid I was of my thoughts and being with myself. Funny thing is, I’ve always wanted to write, it was a secret hidden passion of mine for so long. I was just fearful of the pain I would feel in sharing my experiences. And trust, it’s painful. When I wrote the Numb Series I was half wasted, crying my eyes out. But, again it felt so liberating. So empowering to break away from the appearance of things, and embrace the reality of it all. The problem is I can’t do that in the city. There are to many distraction and not enough peace… not enough stillness…. not enough life.
Back in April, I went to Tulum, Mexico, the trip was paid for by a friend, which made it even better… haha. It was one of the most peaceful trips ever. Tulum is such a spiritual place, so zen… so still, yet so full of life. It was incredible, I never felt so at peace and yet my life back home was in shambles, and it was simply because I was living in complete abundance… living a simple life… living in nature.
Everything organically beautiful making so easy to turn off the noise… the nonsense that ran my life back home. I remember sitting on the beach, watching the waves, listening to them crash and at that moment I realized that this is me, not that fancy city girl I’ve been pretending to be, but rather I am a free-spirited, simple in nature, loving in kind, beach bum. The simple life is what I want, what I need. It offers me clarity… it gives me life… happiness. And, I remember saying to myself one night when looking up at the stars, ‘this is where I will write my book’ and mark my words, it will happen. The wheels are in motion.
So, here I am in a different country, alone at a beachside coffee shop writing this… It’s not my book, and I’m not in Tulum, but this is the start of who I’m becoming. It is a whole new chapter to my life, a whole new story waiting to be written. And for once in my life I can truly say I’m at peace and fully present to all that surrounds me… present to the silence that floods my mind and the thoughts that pierce my soul… I couldn’t be happier, this is something I’ve been wanting for quite some time, it’s something I’ve been needing for quite some time.
Things back home have been rough and to be honest, I was on the verge of cracking and at one point I almost thought I wasn’t going to make it. I knew that this time if i cracked… I broke… there would be no return, so I needed to get out before it all consumed me. Always being there for others allowed me to avoid myself, it allowed me to distract myself, but there is only so much a person can handle before they crumble, especially if they are no longer holding it together for themselves, but rather solely for the sake of others, lying to yourself about who it is you really are.
So, when I say I needed this, it’s because I’m over it… over living this lie of a fancy city girl, over being a part of this insta-famous lifestyle that has taken over the city… it’s souless… it’s empty. And, as scary as it is being in a foreign country alone… without anyone, it is so refreshing… for I could be anything I want… I feel so free and I can’t wait to share my adventures with you all…
Anyways, I’m off … until next time.
Bye for now! xo
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…