I used to love the power of being me, being somebody… that is, having ability to find out anything and everything, the ability to make things happen… that is, by means of having information at my fingerprints, and not because of Google, but because of who I knew and what I knew… that is, who I was. And for a time, I enjoyed it, I loved it, like said prior I was the go-to and that made me feel powerful, but once you use that power to uncover the acts of one you once held close to your heart, that is, their wrongdoings, which directly affect you and impact those you love, that feeling of empowerment begins to fade away. And you actually begin to hate that you are so good at what you do, what you are capable of… you see I was the one that found out everything about my dad’s mistress.
And, when I say everything, I mean everything… I knew her driver’s license, address (current and past), what car she drove, date of birth, occupation… I even knew her social number and what bank she was with… and that’s not all… so, when I say I am good at what I do, I’m too good… when I say I have connections, I have too many connections… when I say I have friends in all different walks of life, believe me because I mean it… and regardless of what my requests were, no questions were asked, no hesitations in offering information, just a simple request and within a few hours I’ll have anything and everything I needed… super simple… easy. If that isn’t power, I don’t know what is?! Well, at least that was what I used to think…
One can’t deny the power that comes with being somebody, but there is freedom in being a nobody, and that is a power in it and of itself, yet we neglect to realize it, especially when living in city such as Toronto. For all of us want to feel powerful… be powerful, but it is about the way in which we feel powerful that makes all the difference… the question that needs to be asked is, what is giving us that sense of power?! Because you see, many of us have this need to appear a certain way, to the extent that, if we uphold a set image of ourselves where others believe us to be set person we carry influence… and what is power if not influence?! But, is it?!
The culture in city is constrainting, forcing you to be somebody, often being somebody that you are not… upholding this image of ‘somebody’… creating this need for others to see us as somebody, to the extent that some…. most of us, understand power as being better than others… in the sense that everyone must know what we are capable of, what we are doing and who it is we are… in some cases, we feel we must out do one and other… and that is all ego, not power.
You see, up until I moved I used to prioritize being somebody and that gave me a sense of power, but in the most superficial of ways. I use to put so much energy and time… so much pressure to be somebody… someone of meaning… of influence. But, when you strip yourself from all of that, all that superficial mumbo jumbo… you have more power than ever, you have freedom. Power doesn’t come from being a somebody, it comes from knowing that you are a somebody, yet living as a nobody… it comes from letting go of the extraness and knowing that even with nothing you still are somebody. It isn’t in seeking validation from others, it is in seeking validation within yourself.
The fact that I know what I’m capable of and who I am without having to make it known is power. It isn’t about who I am… but rather about who I am not. And for me, power is sought throught the validation of others, for me freedom is power… freedom from all the superficial mumbo jumbo that Toronto identifies as power… as influence. For it is great to be an influencer, but if you are solely doing it for appearance it isn’t power at all, it is ego.
Hence why, it is important to know and understand what is it that is giving us that sense of power… is it really power or is it your ego misguiding you? Because it doesn’t matter who you are or who others think you are…. what matters is who you know you are not… because we are all nothing in something, and that is where our greatness lies, that is, the ability to be nothing in everything, while being something in nothing.
And, you would think going from one extreme to the other I would be a lost… feel a lost of influence… a lost of impact, but in actuality I feel more complete than ever. I absolutely love being a nobody, I love not having connections, there is no pressure, no obligation, no judgements, no assumptions, no expectations… just nothingless… it feels great stripping myself from all the nonsense that I once thought defined me.
The fact that I let that go… let go of my ego, that is the need of others knowing who I am, is power, for as I said it isn’t in being somebody, but rather it is in being a nobody knowing that you are somebody. And right now, I’m a nobody and I couldn’t be happier, I couldn’t feel more complete… I walk down the street and I’m free… for in this moment in time, after thirty years of living, I can say I actually know who I am… for I’m no longer defined by the standard… and that’s freedom at its finest…
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…