It has been such a transition, moving away from what I know to some place that isn’t all that familiar to me, and the last thing on my mind is love. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t want to find love, and it most definitely doesn’t mean there are no men present in my life, there most definitely is… I think now more than before, but it’s more of a squeaking their way in, rather than anything else… and it is simply because I don’t want them around like that.
And, I don’t know if it is a vibe I’m giving off or if I’m just running at a higher frequency than before, but it’s like I’m a magnet, attracting all of kinds of characters. It’s ironic… a little funny… because, prior to leaving a huge part of me craved love… I used to think that the absence of love in my life was a huge part of the emptiness I would felt at times. And, now I can honestly say that it wasn’t… for all I really sought was the distraction that love offers… that is, the distraction from chaos… but now, that I’m free from that, I have zero desire for it, and I actually feel uncomfortable with it… not willing to offer or to receive.
And, for real… who the fuck would want companionship in my position, under my circumstance?! So much has changed and I’m still adjusting, jumping into anything right now would be insane and anyone in their right mind could most definitely see that, regardless of how much support, help and guidance they are claiming to offer. So, it most definitely isn’t happening… plus I just moved I need to see all my options!!!! Hahaha.. sounds terrible right?! But, for real… I just moved here it has only been a month, on top of going through such a transition in my life, am I suppose to just grab onto the first guy that makes himself available to me?! I think not.
I’ve been down that road of distraction, the one where you think you can create change with someone in your life, the one where you think that you can rely on someone helping you to grow and do the things you need to do… guide you through organizing the chaos, healing the hurt and mending the pain… but, you can’t… not when you are going through such a transition, for it is something that needs to be done on your own. The presence of someone else only confuses the matter, for you can no longer think about yourself, you must now consider the other person, especially, if they are new in your life, you are still learning about them, getting to know them… and, if you are anything like me, you will all together stop thinking about yourself, stop putting yourself first, and right now all I need is to put myself first… to not focus on anyone else but myself, for if I do, I would be doing myself a huge injustice.
For the only person that want to get to know is myself… especially now that all the chaos has been silenced, just a faint noise in the distance, so it is necessary to adjust myself to who it is that I am and what it is that I need in this moment in my life… so, that when the time comes, when the chaos is up front and centre, I don’t get lost in it all, having a concrete ground to stand on.
But, the point is that I’m not here for a relationship, I’m not here to find love… I’m single and I’m loving the lack of attachment to anything and anyone… the disconnect from everything, hence why I moved, so I most definitely do not want any sort of relationship whether it be friends with benefits or a partnership, I’m not interested. And, I’m so happy as is and even more so that I don’t feel a void of love, because I was becoming weak sauce when it came to men, but now I honestly couldn’t care less, and the last time I felt like this was a while back, I’m talking like 10 years ago.
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like love, I actually love love, it’s so beautiful, I’m just not there at this moment. And, until that guy comes along and sweeps off my feet, I’m unavailable and uninterested, and the more they try and push, the more I will pull away, because I’m not buying what they are selling.
And, believe me the guys here are super sauve… I mean, let me tell you… cook you dinner, under the stars, under the moon, music playing and candles lit kind of sauve. And, trust me… it is kind of hard for a girl to resist, so I’ll take it, as I have… because hey, I’m not going to stop someone from professing their feelings and trying to wooah me, and in all fairness they most definitely have been warned that I’m in no position to offer myself in any way, expect a friend… so, by all means, if you want to attempt to win me over go ahead… for no promises can be made, and nothing ought to be expected at this moment in my life.
Plus, I’m the new fish in the sea over here, and I am very much aware of that, for that alone comes with all sorts of politics… it’s a game of who is going to catch me first…
Furthermore, I’m in the midst of creating something, I have my writing I’m working on, my course, and nevermind all the background work that needs to be done for my site, plus for my course and upcoming videos. So, investing my time into a relationship isn’t going to happen just yet. I will no longer detour from my path, taking time away from my purpose to serve some other cause… not this time. I came here with a purpose… with an intention in my mind, none of which was for love.
Right now, this is about me… and yes that might sound selfish as fuck, but quite frankly I don’t give a shit. I know what needs to be done and what I want in this moment, and the answer to both of those questions isn’t love… it is me… the only thing I need and want is me. I’m not damaged… okay maybe I am, but not the way you think… I’m damaged sense in that I’ve been masking quite a bit to stay a float for quite some time, and now that I’m able to finally just breath… but, like I mean BREATHHHEEE… the last thing I need is for someone to walk on and I begin to start masking again… forgetting all it is that needs to be done… distracting myself from my purpose. So, no thank you! Because, now isn’t the time to love anyone, but myself.
Let me live and let live! Because YES, I’M SINGLE, but I’m unavailable and most definitely uninterested… I say this and stand by it, yet I can’t deny and I won’t lie there is a part of me that is falling in love… with the culture of course, and the smile says it all… I’m happy… genuinely happy… the happiest I have ever been in a really long time.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…