The Battle

Multiple versions of me….

It’s interesting, because part of me kind of thinks I’m crazy, I most definitely am not, but I most defintiely have multiple versions of me… morals always universal. You see, there is that serious calm intellectual side of me and then there is that outrageous crazy wild side of me. And, it has always kind of been a battle, half of me is out there, while the other part is so internally confined. I guess that makes me multi-dimensional… dynamic… that’s acceptable right?! haha… Can you tell what side is coming out?! haha… but seriously all jokes aside.

It’s kind of interesting for many reasons…. questionable in a ways… first question is, is it a good thing? And, it’s not something that one could have a define answer for… but, one thing that I do know is it has been a battle… a fight, between right and wrong, in the sense of knowing which one ought to come out to play for the day… sounds kind of crazy when I put it like that, but hopefully you get it… that is, not wanting to be misunderstood as one thing when really you are another, having a multitude of characteristics which define who you are… a multitude of versions that define your soul.

I love expressing myself, I’m very much out there… I joke, I have fun, I’m a child at heart… outrageous, filled with a bundle of emotions… excessively happy at times, which brings out such a different side of me and then there is that toher side that is super chill, still happy, but I guess you could say more in control of my emotions… a little more reasonable and rational in a sense…

The thing is beacuse both are so different, one bubbly and out there, while the other calm and collective. And, this is where the problem lies, it is as though the outrageous fun side of me has to be tamed, for it isn;t good in sense of how other could potentially view me… you know that wonderful thing called judgement.  Yeah, it’s as though if I were to crack a joke or act ridiculous, such as hopping on a fortlift on a sunny side and drifting in the midde of a lumber yard all of sudden discredits my level intellect… discredits my value as a women. As though, if I do such things it implies I’m to be taken less serious… I’m to be devalued… as though, one has enough evidence to discredit me as less worthy of that which I aim to accomplish… and that kind of pisses me off… for why is it that one must be disreagrd their individually and undertake a ‘persona’ in order to be viewed as creditable?! For is that not just an act… a mask?! That is, looking a certain wat, acting a certain way, just so others value you as such, when in actuality if you are really what you claim to be, what you aim to be, why is it that we must prove it?! Always and all times…

Perfect example. I dance, I do photoshots (some of which are borderline x-rated), videos, some innocent and others not so much, but why should that devalue my level of intellect?! My wisdom?! Because, as much as others may come to all sorts of conclusions to why I do the things I do, it doesn’t stand for anything… for just because I’m different… just because, I have multiple versions of me doesn’t mean I’m less creditable in my abilities. For dance is my passion, my high level of energy is my aura… my soul… my uniqueness… why way of being is my uniqueness, so why hide it?! As though, I’m ashamed….

In other words, why is it that a women can’t show comfort in her own skin, embracing all that she is, embracing her individually, expressing all sides of her, without being discreditted? Why is it that she is viewed as less of a person… less of a professional, if she purses passions outside of her profession? And I can’t help but wonder is there some sort of encylopedia that list s that should’s and shouldn’ts, of the way in which things ought to be, in order to be… such comformity… something I have always felt my whole life, as though I needed to be tamed… needed to shut out that side or else you are discreditted… and I’m probably speaking for must woman , when I say it’s almost as thought we have to shelter part of who we are to taken serious. It’s like we live in a world that has programmed us to think that it isn’t if others don’t think it… that is, if others don’t see it, then it never happened, it never was and most defintiely never will be. And, how is that fair?!

So, from this moment forward, I embrace everything… and should I dare to share the side that others so desperately try to conceal… fuck it… I’m embracing it… for it is the new me… something you will help a bit more of on my next post.

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