For as long as I could remember I have been running… from feeling, from seeing, from knowing… running from it all… ignorance is bliss after all. Finding my power in everything and everyone other than myself. It is so much easier to run then to face the music, face the chaos… so for some it may seem like I’m still running, especially being that I’m now in a different country all together. And, in addition to that, it is so much easier to avoid our own problems, yet offer solutions to others for theirs. But, I can ensure you that taking off isn’t avoidance or running away, rather it is about finding power within myself, which I have, and shared in a prior post, The Power Within, it is about embracing that which I am and working with it… it is about taking responsibility for that which will be.
Because, you see when the world keeps knocks you down, over and over again, for years on end, you lose yourself… you neglect to acknowledge the power you have within yourself, so consumed by everything you don’t even who you are at times… so faded… no longer knowing the difference between who it is you are and what it is you have become. Almost creating different versions of yourself… All of it depending on who you need to be that day. It can really fuck with your mind, questioning if you have now become this person capable of turning life off and on or if it is just a defence mechanism… leaving you in a kind of identity crisis… for how is it that one minute you are one person and the next someone completely different. One minute feeling everything and the next minute feeling nothing… so cold and heartless in the blink of an eye.
I used think that was my power, that ability to turn off, without a second thought, a second look… I still do think it’s part of my power, it just needs to be better controlled and understood… more defined… distinguished, such that one can differentiate between avoidance and letting go. The key is in healing, that is, revisiting that which one has shut out, the problem is believing that the power comes from not revisiting that which you have set aside; that is, believing you don’t have to revisit it, for you have already dealt with it, granted that you managed to blocked it out. And, that is the worst thing that you can do, assume that healing comes from numbing… from not feeling. But, feeling is what heals you and it is exactly what allowed me to tap into my power… the ability to read people by means of feeling into them… accepting that it’s okay that I feel more than most, that I can feel every hurt and pain that flows through the bodies of others as though it is my own. And, rather than getting lost in it, consumed by it, I’m learning to control it, to channel it so that I can offer support in ways I never could before… for now the only thing I’m running from is the low frequencies that once consumed me, that I was once running on… and the only thing that kept me going was my high level of energy, pushing through it all… but, now more than ever, I’m on such a high vibration… such a high frequency, in which my level of energy matches my vibrations…
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much full of energy, and I have crazy bursts of it and they need to come out, but at least now my vibrations match that insane energy pulsing through my viens… creating a calmness in my soul. It is so liberating in so many ways… the ability to find power… feel power… getting the same adrenaline from star fishing in the ocean as I do from jumping out of a plane…. I tell you about that next time.
And, furthermore, if I want to express my uniqueness… my individually… I will… I will most defintiely show all sides of me regardless of how other may regard me… fuck it… I’m tired of concealing that which doesn’t want to be concealed… aceept me as I am, or don’t accept me at all. Because, I am who I am… yes I’ve found my calm peace which I will most definitely share with you in this post, but that doesn’t mean I am to hide myself… as mentioned in my last post… for the new me embraces all that I am regardless of the judgments..