I knew the day would come, just didn’t know when. It’s been almost two months now and it’s starting to hit me… starting to miss everything about being in Toronto, family, the friendships, the love… support, and surprisingly the routine; but, most importantly the comfort… the comfort in knowing that should I ever need someone they are just moments away. And here, I don’t have that. And, as exciting as it is to start a new life, a fresh start… and what better than in a hot climate by the beach, it is lonely… very lonely, although I do like being with myself, it is nice knowing that should I not want to, I didn’t have too. Of course, I have made friends, and built relationships, but it’s not the same… there aren’t years of friendship, years of understanding… there is no foundation… in addition to that, there is huge cultural shift, not mention the social dynamics are completely different and level of conversation… the lifestyle alone is a complete 180 from that which is known. I love it, appreciate it, and enjoying it completely… but, I do miss home.
I find myself thinking about so much, I even find myself wondering if I should go back, and maybe all I needed was some time away -but, I know that is the loneliness talking… the scared little girl inside afraid that she can’t do it alone, without the ones she loves next to her. And, then sometimes I think it is just me resisting… that is, me being stubborn about really wanting to move. Just a little mindfuckery we play with ourselves every now and again… going after what we want to then be too afraid to follow through… that whole wanting, yet resisting at the same time… it’s what we do. And, we are great at it, and we never actually stop doing, we do it with everything, but it is a matter of knowledging it… understanding when we are doing it and even why, and in this case, it is my attachment to being in a comfortable setting, feeling secure and in control of my surroundings. So, as hard as it is, as lonely as it is at certain moments, it needs to be done… and I would be a pussy if I backed out, because I was scared. Pardon my language, but it’s the truth… wanting something and too afraid to take the necessary actions, backing out simply because things got too real. It’s truth and it hurts.
In addition to that, it just makes sense, financially, mentally and emotionally. Yet, part of me can’t help, but think how much it kind of sucks… and I know that might come off ungrateful, but it is hard not to think about home… all people I miss. And, I know I’m here for all the right reasons, doing all the right things, it doesn’t change how much I’m missing everything and everyone. Now, don’t feel bad for me, it’s not a pity party… just sharing what’s on my mind. Plus, this is a for now kind of thing, I will most definitely get over it as time goes on, and I build more relationships, establish a routine and officially begin laying the foundation. And, there will still be moments that it will hit me all over again, after all it’s been 30 years living in Toronto, so it is going to definitely be a wave of emotions… a lot of ups and downs. Some days will pass and I won’t think of any of this, other days it will hit me hard… it is a process, a transition that will take some getting used too.
One thing that is super exciting about this move, and somewhat taking away this home sick feeling that overcame me recently are the opportunities available… now what I mean by that, and if you know me personally, you know I’m a huge nerd, always on the request for knowledge, loving wisdom… and, always kind of going back to school. I might just become a student again and take my masters, which I’m super excited about… I’ve always wanted to do it, and school is super cheap here, so why not?! Continue my writing, develop my course, complete my masters, and walk my dog … sounds like a pretty good routine to me. Yes, I did say dog, I haven’t gotten him yet, but it is very much happening. I need something to love me over here… haha, and but better than a pet. Plus, guess what?! The dogs here are super cheap too!! And, so are flights, like ridiculously cheap, meaning I could travel so much, build up content and offer tremendous value by expanding my knowledge of the world… and life itself, not for myself, but for all of you. And, my dog can come with me, not like he has a job, expect to love me… haha, sorry had to throw in a joke there. But, in all seriousness, I’ve always wanted a dog, and now I can get one, and on top of it, it’s the kind of dog that I want, back home I couldn’t afford it, and now I can. And, I have always wanted to travel, experiencing different cultures and expanding my wisdom on life… about life… and people, in order to help others. So, when I say this whole move makes sense, it’s because it really does, and it’s a matter of making it work regardless of the emotions that overcome me, because there was a reason why I started, and I’m not going to back out because I’m afraid, given that it is out of my comfort zone. It’s about pulling up my socks, and being a big girl now!
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…