Coming Home

What a mission it has been… so much stress, pressure, anxiety and frustration. I’ve been trying to get home for the last two weeks, so that I can finalize everything and make it official. But, it has been so hard between trying to sell my car, rent out my place and get a part time job here, literally challenge after challenge… battle after battle. I actually had a breakdown the other day, just trying to figure it all out, but given that I’m in a completely different country, I’m forced to rely on others… something I hate to do. And, getting a flight back has been difficult, due to the availability of funds, been joggling so many things that it has made it close to impossible. For my car was suppose to be sold back in August, beginning of September… and it’s October now, and still not sold… why?! Because of unnecessary delays, worst part is they were delays due to my reliance on others, hence why I hate relying on others. My mom always said… it’s better to do something on our own, then rely on others, for it will never get done… and isn’t that a truth?! Because, no one really cares, unless it affects them directly… now I’m not saying that they don’t care about you, but rather they don’t see the priority, granted that they are unaffected by it. So, just do it yourself and get done! No one to blame, no one to rely on… just you! Now, that can come across as lonely and sad… but, it is actually quite empowering when the only person you rely on it yourself, and when the job gets done, you feel so accomplished, because it was all you… and that is one of the greatest feelings in the world!!

But, right now, I’m forced to rely on others, to help sell my car and finally put it on the market, and more importantly to get home to finalize everything. And as I said, I had break down the other day, lost my shit due to all the frustration. Apparently, having a nervous breakdown is the only way to get things done in my family… unfortunate, but true. That’s kind of how it always worked, well at least for me, granted that I’m not heard, for they only listen to me, once I lose my cool and on the edge of insanity. It’s a life struggle… battle… something that I have learnt to accept. Granted that, regardless of how I communicate, insofar as it is coming from me, it is rarely regarded is significant or acted on… just what it is, unless it is accompanied by a breakdown. Regardless to the years and amount of personal development and growth that have been taken… it is what it is…. for I can change and control my emotions and reactions… my behavior… to the outside world… but, I can change those of others. So there comes a point when it is a matter of accepting… accepting that which is; in the end, acceptance hurts less, then the fight… the resistance. For why waste unnecessary energy?! Because, how I see it is, once people have made up there mind, they have made it up… and now matter how hard you try… what route you take… the amount of time invested… the effort put in… it’s pointless. For if they have made up their mind, they shut a door… a door they are unwilling to open, one that have created and holds some sort of truth too given the past… it’s called judgment. And, once one has arrived at a judgment about someone whether family, friend of foe… it will always be struggle to prove otherwise… it is what it is. So, why struggle proving our self worth to those who have fallen ignorant to the present moment?!  Unwilling to accept what is and let go of what was? Why struggle with those who are unwilling to change? You end up continously fighting that which you’ll never win… especially if it is a dynamic that has been established for years. Like I said, it’s a matter of acceptance, especially if you want to keep your insanity, or else you will just end of falling all over again and proving it all right. So, it matter of accepting until the end, not matter how hard the struggle… the battle… it is what it is… life. Roll with the punches! It’s funny, because a friend told me recently, that sometimes you need to be the punch… and yoooooo… straight up, that’s too much energy! haha… like I’ll do it, when disrespect is at play, either than that, it’s a matter of acceptance and lack of expectations… that is of anything different… anything more, than what it is… acceptance gives you a certain amount of peace… silence. I don’t maybe I think too much, but it’s just me… making sense of what it is, is the way in which I’ve learnt to master my mind… my thoughts… silence that mindchatter. For it is always a point in understanding that which was, to be complete with that which is… in other words, we must understand the root cause to work with the plant grown, allowing it to flourish the way in which we choose…

I know this is a lot to take in… literally jumping from one thing to the next, but hopefully, you can connect the dots and understand my trail of thinking. My philosophical mind just wonders away at times… diving a little deeper into the logic behind thoughts and actions… particularly mine in this case. The good thing to note is… I’m coming home!!! Finally… it took a lot… but, it’s happening! I was the punch so you could say… and as much as it took from me, it’s finally happening! I’m finally coming home… but only for two weeks, finalizing everything so that I can make it all official… not saying it’s forever, but it is a for right now kind of thing… it’s what needs to be done right now…

 

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