For the past three weeks, I have been battling some sort of rash, feeling itchy, gross and extremely uncomfortable. I have gone to doctors, tried allergy pills, creams, natural remedies and nothing seems to be working. It’s been terrible. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not wanting to see anyone, be out in public, just away from everything. And, it has most definitely taken a toll on my daily activites, not only because of the constantly itchy and scratching, but because of how unhappy I am with my skin. And, mind you, I suffered from acne for a while, so feel this discomfort is huge, especially, when it isn’t even visible, granted that it is on my body, all over my body, therefore covered by clothes. It’s been so bad, I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy, it is the most self-depleting, degrading feeling one could ever experience.
It’s been countless nights without sleep, tossing and turning, scratching and itching, to the extend that one night I actually slept in a bathtub filled with water to just soak and stop the itch, so that I could finally sleep. I actually passed out, I did strategically place myself in such a way that it would be hard to drown. But, you probably still think I’m crazy for doing that, because how dangerous it is… the potentially and everything. But, honestly desperate times call for desoerate measures. Plus, how I see it, is the universe doesn’t want me to die just yet, too many near death experiences where I should have died, but didn’t… so I can suffer, but not die… guess you can say I’m destined for something more.
Either way, it doesn’t change how uncomfortable this whole thing is… the itching, reddness, bumps… the emotional baggage of insecurities that come with something like this… something which alters your appearance. It never occurred to me how much one could be affected by something so superficial, such as appearance, while not being superficial at all. Like I said, I didn’t want to go out, see anyone, do anything… just be home alone, soaking in a tub and doing what I need to do to get better… feeling so unhappy with myself and in my skin.
The thing that bothered me most through all of this was not being able to be there for the people I care about, the people I love. You see, I was away for a good two months and went back home for two weeks to pack up my place, sell my car, help the family in the business and say goodbyes the ones I care about before heading off for a year; and, I wasn’t exactly able to much of any of it. I managed to pack up my place and sell my car, but wasn’t able to help the family, because I couldn’t (if I wore clothes, it would only aggravate my skin). I did get to say goodbye to most of the individuals I wanted too, granted that they insisted on coming to see me, as I would done the same of them, had the roles been reversed; but I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted, because of how I felt. I didn’t want them seeing me the way I was and, it didn’t matter how bad I wanted to see them, I just couldn’t, I couldn’t find it in myself. And, that kills me… it was such a huge eye opener.
You see, for me this is only temporary, but some people this is everyday life. For some, they have been living uncomfortably in their skin for years, and to experience such discomfort is extremely detrimental to one’s self-esteem, to the way in which they live life and go about pursuing goals. It’s heartbreaking, though as much as I was uncomfortable in my skin, I didn’t allow it to affect my vibe… I stayed positive, focused and smiled the whole way through, the outside world wouldn’t have even realized just how much I disliked myself in those moments, and that helped quite a bit.
But, one thing that occurred to me, and I guess given my situation at the time, life goes on… and we can either feed into our feelings, allowing them to dictate our life, or we could push through, disregarding them and continuing on. But, it’s easier said than done, but it is about trying… trying your best, even when you aren’t feeling your best. And, you may not be succeed in following through with everything, but at least you followed through with some… something is better than nothing. Plus, the more you push the better you begin to feel, the more empowered you are, knowing that you can do it, even in the most difficult of times. You see, I may not have been able to do everything I wanted, but in doing some I began feeling a bit better about myself, though it was hard, it was rewarding.
The important thing to take away from all of this is, sometimes life requires us to act on our feelings, our emotions… but, sometimes life requires us to act against that which we feel, in order to bring us to something new… some new state of mind.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…