If you know me, I’m always something, always working on something… I can’t just never do nothing, it’s literally impossible… trust me, I have tried. So, with working on my upcoming workshop, I have decided to also begin sending out my work to online publications, writing for others, as well as writing for my personal site, while at the same time building and working on my site… plus, looking at stocks and playing the market … I’m non stop. It doesn’t stop there… I thinking of teaching dance here… choreographing and bringing something new to this side of town; meaning I have to build and market to make it happen. I have the tools and knowledge, it’s about finding the time and making a routine out of it – a habit. I take on a lot, and love that. I wouldn’t trade it for the world… it’s who I am. I have too much energy to be at a stillstand.
The thing is can be so taxing… exhausting… especially the background sitework, in updating and improving the site, along with setting up the workshop, it’s been….. it’s been great!! P.s I’m saying that sarcastically.. it’s all fucking all Star Wars talk for me. Between downloading new widgets and configuring them, funneling everything to one hub… it’s intense. Some widgets work with other widgets, some do not, forcing you to find new ones or even rework… it is insanity for sometimes. One time it took eight hours to figure out how to code Woocommerce via Elementor, because unless you purchase the pro version, the app aren’t completely compable and because Woocommerce was compable with MailChimp (marketing widget)… I had to figure it out… trust me it was not easy… eight hours to change the font and colour on a button… a fucking button… I’m still so bitter about it, but I learnt a lot so I don’t mind at the same it, it’s more frustration that comes with the hunt.
In addition to that, whenever I update my site, making major changes, I have update close to 40 pages… it’s time consuming. The other day I stayed up shortcoding each page, all 45 of them, having to input five to six shortcodes on each, all becuase it would make my life hundred times easier moving forward. I didn’t even realize the time until I heard the bird chirping at 6:30 am, finally finished coding everything at 7:45 am to be exact. It’s actually out of this world insane. And, granted that I’m not an expert at any of this, and I’m learning as I’m going, which is a lot more time consuming and as I’m going to feeling things out. And as my knowledge grows, new things are added, and you began to think of additional variables such as, efficiency, function, consistency, aesthetics, user intregration, etc., so much comes into factor, and therefore so many changes occur.
Plus, I’m meticulous when it comes to certain things and super organized, in all honesty I’m a little over the top, borderline OCD… I mean my whole closet is coloured coordinated, then further organized by type… everything from my pants to my underwear drawer… I know kind of insane, right?! I know this, I accept it and don’t expect it; and, I’m willing. Hence, why I never hired anyone to do my site. I would been terrible to deal with, I didn’t know what I wanted, I would constantly being changing and adding things as I have been doing… reorganizing everything everytime. Plus, I would feel bad, making this person jump through hoops due to my OCD and indecisiveness, no that’s so unfair. And, I’m not a fan of asking someone to do something for me, even if I pay them, especially if I could just do it myself.
So, that’s what I do, and because I’m a freak when it comes to things, while learning as I go I have to invest so much time, because they take so much time. Plus, what is learnt can be taught… meaning, it’s additional service I can offer, another online workshop I can develop, gaining additional revenue. Always thinking!!! It’s a business mindset. And, I enjoy sharing knowledge, especially with those ready to recieve it and willing to establish an exchange for it.
In addition, when you have dedicate so much to something, so much time and effort, committing to it… you can’t half ass it… there would have been no point in starting if you just planned to throw it away, such a waste of time and completely unnecessary. Something way more productive could have been done during that time, which could help you not only the present moment, but for the future as well. It’s a matter of getting shit done and the longer you take the worst it is… the work piles up, you lose motivation and lose momentum -sometimes procasting so much you forget about it all together.
I guess that is why it is so important to be touch with everything all time, not only professionally but personally as well. One can easily lose focus, getting lost in a standstill. There should always be something, some interaction with growth… progression you could say… hence why I value time so much, because there is always something… something to do, there is never nothing. And, that’s progression! You shouldn’t standstill for too long, as one should not overwhelm themselves for too long either. And, for someone like me who is always doing something and never nothing, it makes so much more appreciate of those moments of stillness… they are gold.
For the problem with always doing something and never nothing is you never get a moment.. it’s rare to have a moment to just be… to just…. be still. I’m either writing, researching, watching stocks, updating my social media, or looking for the next adventure… I’m never just still. And, it’s exhausting, I love it, but it takes a lot out of me. Days go by where I hardly get sleep, sometimes running on five to six hours of sleep on a 72 hours time clock… it’s overwhelming. I most definitely overwork myself, I don;t complain, I’m cool with it, because I don;t have to… I choose too. And, if you choose, you accept it, and therefore can’t complain about it. It can be a lot at times, moments were I’m just over exhausted I just want to cry, so tired mentally… so drained… and I just keep going, keep pushing. Never really stop taking things on and feel guilty when not.
I guess that’s why when I find that stillness in someone I hold on, never letting go… for they have managed to touch my spirit.. my soul in such a way that allows me to forget everything, and for that moment they are all that matter. In addition to that, I usually have a feeling of guilt overwhelm me, when I take time away from all it is I’m doing. So, being still and at peace with that is rare, at least for me, for I always have something and never have nothing… so, in those moments they are all that I can focus on, for they are truly the ones that matter. And, that is the most beautiful thing for me… the ability to be still.
But, I must say I love always having something… I love that fact that something is always happening, something is always going on… and as crazy as it is, as stressful as it can be, it makes those moments of stillness worth so much more. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, for they are everything… they are gold. But, it’s like anything you can’t appreciate one without having the other, you must experience both, or else there is no distinction to note. With being said, I’m thankful for the crazy chaotic moments, but extremely grateful for those moments that I can breath… that I can just be still… feels like gold to me.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…