Living In It

When I write, I write for myself, it is a release, and I share with you guys in hopes it will bring something out in yourself that you didn’t see before. And because of that, I’m so attached to my work, part of me wants to publish my writing third party to get paid, as I have a vast amount of pitches… but, it’s a huge thing, giving someone else your words.. the right to your words…. it’s as though you are giving part of yourself away. As an artist, creative soul, it takes a lot to let go of your work.. your pieces… you can get so attched to it, they can mean so much too you, so much soul, life, love… time and heart. But, it’s like anything, you have to let go to embrace and hope to reap the benefits, if all goes well, regardless of how hard it is, just do it!

Now, that philosophy doesn’t apply to everything in life, but it does to some degree. It applies to that which matters most, letting go and embracing what is being offered, not making more of it, just accepting it… living in it… and, it’s hard, very diffcult, but it’s life, and if you want it to mean anything you have to make it so; and the only way to do that is to embrace it, living freely in it.

So, that is what I am doing… it’s scary, I’m not going to lie. Even when I publish my own work, it’s scary, but now sending it to a third party…. it is even scarier. For I’m always subject to criticism, but when sending out to professionals in the industry, even more so. They are experts in their field and having them review your work is a bit terrifiying. It’s one thing to be criticized by peers, than it is by experts. The level of regretion is definitely nail bitting. But, I’ll never know, unless I try.

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On another note, I’m back at brainstorming for my book, I had somewhat put in back burner to focus on sending out my writing and monetizing my site. But, the universe sent a message, well actually a friend did… haha… with regards to an upcoming contest for a publishing contract, which definitely got me back to thinking about my book. And, the fact that I have enough content for my site, allows me to focus solely on the contest. So, it looks like I have a lot of work ahead me for a few weeks.

I’m kind of freaking out over it, to be honest. Never done anything like it before, I’ve written numerous essays throughout my academic career, but never anything like this. I have write the first twenty pages to my manuscript. AHHHHHHH!!!! I have never written a manuscript… I don’t even know what it is. No idea what it consists of, what it entails, the form in which it such been written… ugh, so my questions. I’m terrified, but I’m embracing the terror… living in it. Because, I will never know, unless I go for it! The fact that I’m even mentioning it is even scarier, because it entails accountability, and accountability publicizes success or failure… so, it is terrifying knowing that I’ve put it out to there, to extend that I’m be held accountable for this… and that, is terrifying, because it great if I get it, but what happens if I don’t get it… it makes the failure public. And, I shouldn’t think that way, I shouldn’t entertain the thought of failure, shouldn’t allow fear to squeeze it’s way in… and I’m super positive person… failure is just a touchy one for me… definitely a struggle. So, putting this out there right now is definitely a leap out of my comfort zone, placing me in a very vulnerable state… and I hate feeling vulnerable.

But, then again, that’s the beauty in life… sharing that vulnerability,  because it is real. And life is scary, it could even make you want to shit your pants at times… but those are the vary things that need to be done. Life isn’t perfect, it isn’t all roses and dandelions mixed with pixie dust… shit is scary… and it isn’t about making things perfect, it’s about living in it’s imperfection. Embracing it for what it is… And it is scary as fuck! But totally worth it!

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