So, it’s been a while… right?! I haven’t written a personal post for a few weeks now, just been focusing a lot on setting up my course and got kind of caught up with writing poetry, which I actually love, and I even began implementing some how to’s, not only for bloggers but everyone… so, let’s just say I have a ton of content scheduled and ready for you guys. It’s definitely been a lot of work, but I love what I do, so to me it isn’t work.
It’s almost as though it is therapeutic, the release and sharing of knowledge… of experiences, while knowing that somewhere someone needed to read vary thing I wrote… the vary thoughts I shared… my insights touching them in some way that shed light onto something for them. Almost as though, helping them in turn helps me, helping them find their way helps me find mine, for I find my path through them; and, regardless if it’s one soul or five hundred souls, I have served my purpose. And, that’s success for me! So, that’s what I’ve been really focusing on is providing valuable content for all for you.
As for my thoughts… well let’s say I’ve been doing a lot of reflection… a lot of considering… in terms of my one year abroad journey, so to say. Been kind of thinking maybe I’m going to stay, maybe make it permanent, I know it sounds kind of crazy. But, I really have nothing tying me to Toronto. Yes, I have my family (brother, mother, grandma, aunt and uncle) and my friends, but nothing else. No boyfriend, and though relationships (romantic relationships) aren’t everything, but let’s face it, I’m thirty. Life is no longer about friends, we can’t live for our friends or even family members. We love them… yes, but they are all eventually going to have their own families, if they don’t already. What are you going to do live with them?! You would be stupid to be living for your friends after age thirty, if they were all that mattered… you’re just going to end up alone. And, personally I want a family, I’m not desperate for love, but if there is nothing there for me… what’s the point?! For I could start my life anywhere… really?! The only thing that really ties me to Toronto is immediate family, not so much my brother, for he has his own life and he going to create his own family, but more my mother, grandma, aunt and uncle. So, it’s been a really serious thought of mine, it has definitely crossed my mind more than once.
And, of course I’m going to miss everybody, but again I can’t live for everybody. Everyone is creating their own lives, living their own lives, no one is going to wait for you, so….. I don’t know it’s just my logic at this moment. And as I said, I’m not desperate for love, but I’m not going to go to a place there is no love. Fall bad into the same patterns, same people, same places, same shit, nothing changes… no one changes, everyone just stuck in their ways to afraid to let go. At least here, it’s new! New routines, new people, new places, and the chances of meeting someone are higher, and someone who actually cares. And, I’m not saying I know all of Toronto, but let’s face it, if you don’t make a change nothing will change…
Toronto is so cold, everyone is so selfish, superficial, so caught up in their own nonsense, in themselves, they forget to care to others… to be genuine, vulnerable and warm. Yes, it is partically due to the lifestyle and way of living, but do I want that?! Everyone is so cynical it’s insane, sheltering ourselves thinking that we are protecting ourselves, thinking people are out to get something or even better thinking what we are going to get from them. We justify our actions and our justifications are so irrational it’s mind blowing. Being here for this time has really shown me just how narrow minded, ego-centric, self-absorbed and plain narcissistic… and fucking miserable… wearing masks, whether it be for social media or self-preservation… it’s always an act. Authenticity is lost in North America, it’s so sad. We’re either afraid to be vulnerable or judged for our vulnerability. No one is really ever themselves, afraid of what it would mean, how it would look… there is always something… so much worry for things that mean nothing.
The European culture is much more accepting than the North American, which is another reason for my wanting to make the move more permanent. I must say, it isn’t the more prominent reason, but it most definitely weights on it, much like the last.
I’ve been here for five to six months and everyone has been nothing be gracious to me, welcoming me with opened arms; inviting me over for Christmas and New Years, as though it was nothing, just their way of being, it’s absolutely incredible. They are so warm, non-judgmental… everything just is what it is, nothing more. Everyone says hi to everyone, you don’t even need to know them and it’s a ‘hello good day’, and when greeting someone you give them two kisses, one on each cheek. Again, it’s so warm. There are values, morals, and that means more than how anything looks like. No one is acting, putting on masks, they just are who they are and if you don’t like it, that’s you’re problem. Judge, say what you want, they don’t care, and if they need to change or make improvements they will, but they do it because they genuine want too, not because they have a desire to fit in, to conform and be like the rest. For they keep their individuality, their uniqueness and they embrace it, no matter how it looks and that to me is such a beautiful thing.
Why?! Because fitting in is something I’ve struggled with, might not seem like it, but it is. I’m a bundle of personalities, I have different ways of being, and there has always been pressure to conform to society standards, and I’m an out of the box kind of character… why should I conform?! Why should I fear being judged for who I am?! Why can’t I be me?! Why do I have to worry about what it does or doesn’t look like?! Why do I have to be like this or like that?! I’m me. That’s who I am. Fuck it! Like it or not. I am who I am and I don’t want to be like this or that, and I don’t care what anyone thinks or makes of it, because guess what?! People are going to create their stories about me anyways, so why not live in a place of acceptance?! A place that embraces rather than, one that causes shame and doubt?!
Either way, we will see what happens. And, I’ve made a list of pros and cons, and so far the pros are definitely outweighing the cons, so unless something happens to change my mindset, it just might be a permanent move. But, things do change. Minds grow. Life happens. But, for now this is a bit of what it is for me at the moment. Working and considering…
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…