The main reason for wanting to make things more permanent over here is finances… and simplicity. You see, I got myself into a bit of a mess, living in the city is hard… nevermind owning a penthouse suite in downtown Toronto. Mortgage payments, maintenance fees, hydro, internet, etc. adds up faster you know, and by the end of it you have just a fraction of your pay check for groceries. And, to top it off, working long hours 7am to 4pm to come home and work some more, that is, on my site, my writing, my course… many nights I would stay up until 3am, sometimes even 5am, getting just a few hours in before having to wake up and do it all again.
The struggle was real, and I did it anyways, because I had too, but when chaos just kept coming, unhappiness just grew. I already wasn’t satisfied where I was working, family business in all, the politics just never ended… just wasn’t worth it, my sanity was on the line. Working like crazy, non-stop, just to wake up to the same shit the next day… it was really getting to me.
Plus, I had a dream, still have that same dream, and rather than having to struggle through the mess, the noise, why not make things just a bit easier for myself?! Move away, rent out my place, pay shit off and follow my dreams without stress. And, as things progress I’m literally making money in two different countries, so it’s pretty bomb bomb… can’t complain.
Now a year a short, yet long enough to regain my footing and most definitely allow me to go back and live comfortably without having to run the family business, for my business will have launched and my writing published. But, as I mentioned in my last post, it’s that whole love situation, which was a huge factor into my leaving.
You see, I really cared for somebody, deeply, still do. Wish I didn’t, to be honest, as the situation is a bit complicating… but definitely one sided. So, the thing is there is just no point. No use. No need to wait or vest energy, or even time, to someone one who couldn’t care to have conversation… a meaningful conversation. Now, I don’t mean sharing the deepest darkest, but just a real conversation, not no bullshit random shit talking kind of conversation. Yes, it might entertaining, amusing in some ways, and at times, but it’s nonsense if that is all there is. But, either way it sucks… because it hurts, wish it didn’t, but it does… but that’s life! Nothing you can do but accept it, especially if it’s only you working… only you willing, that is, to understand.
So, again what’s the point?! And I know if I go back, I’ll just began thinking about them even more than I already do. Fall back into the same routine, the same downward spiral… So fuck it! Because I don’t need another love similar to my father’s, it is just a waste. So, I’m learning to let go, for I’m not going to hold on to something like that… someone who cares to their convenience… playing games… enough is enough… as much as I can understand them, take the time to understand them, knowing their soul better than they know themselves… if the same isn’t returned, then again what’s the point?! It’s enough heartache for me…
I’ve been through so much already, I’m tired of bullshit. Tired of nonsense. What am I suppose to work for it?! More than I have?! Yes, I long for them, but I’m not desperate, and I’m most definitely not going to bend over backwards for someone who is unwilling to go halfway… I’ve done that way too many times, and yes it may have been for the wrong people, but nevertheless the story always ends the same. It’s tragic. I’ve seen the true percussions of caring for those unwilling to do the same in return… offering the same respect as you offer them. I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me anymore… putting in effort where no effort is given. And, as much as it hurts, it’s a waste of energy.
So, I guess you can say part of this journey is an Eat, Pray, Love kind of thing… who knows if I’ll stay… all I know is I’m disappointed. It’s unfortunate, but it’s life…
With that said, it’s makes sense to let go of my life in Toronto. For one, I don’t want to go back to the family business, the dynamic has been set… set in stone and to expect change is insanity, as it as holding on to someone who gives you nothing to hold on too. So, that’s why I feel no ties to Toronto, a mixture of family obligations and a sad love story… tragic one to say the least.
For it’s insane to attempt drinking from river without water, picking from a tree without leaves, planting in a garden without soil…. loving a place without love… working in a place without appreciation… it’s all the same. For why expect something from that which has shown nothing, that would be living in a mirage. As though so desperate you make something from nothing, hoping… just hoping, that maybe if you wait long enough, it will miraculously appear, things will change. That’s an insane way of living. For I can’t change others, but I can change me.
That’s basically the lesson to be learnt, something to take away and imprint in each and every one of our minds, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the situation… you must let go if there is nothing to hold on too. Stop hoping and dreaming of change… be the change to want… be miracle you want to see. And it sucks, it hurts… and it’s fucking progress! But, at end we all have to realize we deserve better, we deserve more… and if those around, those we care about, aren’t willing to give that which we give them, then why?! Why continue sacrificing? Why continue compromising ourselves? Why continue lending our understanding? Why communicate? If it is being given in return?!
It’s all so unfortunate… but, it’s the way the cooke crumbles… pick up the pieces and continue, life goes on and there is no need to get caught up.
Aside from that, I must say this tragic love story, along with my background politics, has been a huge inspiration for my poems… so I’ll continue writing, but as I write I let go… little by little… part of me still hopes… but I’m learning, learning to accept the hope is a waste of time…
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…