Abuse is more common than not, most individuals accept it and are too afraid to commit. It affects us deeply on a subconscious level, slowly eating away at our confidence and self-worth. It can happen without us even knowing. In a blink of eye we can begin feeling things about ourselves we never felt before, all because our eyes were shut and our minds closed to what was really happening. And, it often begins with the littliest of things turning into much bigger things.
Before you know it the person you once knew is no longer. They have change, transformed into something you never thought possible. And with what you have changed as well, accepting things which you otherwise would have never accepted. And, you have no idea how to get out. Worst of all you don’t have the strength to do it due to the fear they have instilled in you, the control they have over you.
The thing is it is hard to pinpoint an abusive character, they start off subtle; each time digging deeper than the last, each time worsening their hold over you. Increasing your tolerance, your acceptance, for they are so good at manipulating and justifying their words, their actions. Before you know it, you will be the one justifying their actions and blaming yourself for them. So before it gets to that point, here are ten ways to help you determine whether or not they are abuse in nature.
If he is too into himself, always talking about himself without even being asked; what he does and doesn’t, who he is and who he isn’t, who he was and who he wasn’t, what it is and what it isn’t, etc., and doing he isn’t starting a conversation, but rather stating a conversation. For it is one thing to talk about yourself engaging in a meaningful conversation about life. But it’s another to have a self-absorbed dialogue which leads to storytelling and not a conversation. This kind of narcisstic behaviour illustrates he is more into himself, than anything else; not caring to even create a conversation, let alone caring for you, your needs or wants. It is all about him and is a big no no.
2. Flips The Script
Everything is on you, meaning your fault. If a guy looks at you, it’s because you did something. If a friend betrays you, it’s because you did something. Basically, anything that goes wrong, it is because of you; either you asked for it, acted in a certain way or do this instead of that, you are the one to be blamed. Now this blame game is done very stragetically. They are soft spoken when doing it and they act as though it is coming from a place of caring for you; a place of offering ‘advice’, when in actuality they are pointing the finger.
Obvious, yet not. Many of us, neglect to see jealousy for what it is, some even take it to be a sign of caring; when in actuality it is unhealthy and unnecessary. It’s one thing to be bothered by a situation, but another thing to make an argument out of it. People who are jealous lack self-confidence; feeding into their fears and worries. And that is the very thing that drives them, so who is to say what they will do to not feel that way. In addition, it shows distrust in the relationship, which again is unhealthy; and if one isn’t there, then there isn’t be a relationship.
4. Lucky To Have Him
If he makes you feel lucky to have him, that’s great, but if he states that you’re lucky to have him suggests he is better than you. Now it could be said as a joke, all in good fun, or with a patronizing tone, it’s up to you to note the difference. Note, being patronizing is a form of mental abuse; putting you down suggesting that you are unworthy of him, resulting in decreasing your self-esteem and confidence while boosting himself. This leads to him to believe he is superior to you, therefore allowed to act as he desires. And he will be sure to continue putting you down in ways that beat you in submission.
5. You Only Need Him
If he states you only need him and enforces that upon you, careful, be very careful. It doesn’t what tone he says this in or the only in which he enforces, as soon as it happens, it’s a red flag. As that is a form of possessive behaviour, leading to the manipulation of not trusting your friends and family. Which then, only leaves him, giving him free range, the ability to do as he pleases, how and when he pleases; leaving you with only him to talk too and no one else. Resulting in full control over you, making it more difficult to get out when the situation escalates.
6. Friends Are A Problem
At first, he loves your friends. But, being on the outside of the situation, friend see more than we do, and so with time they begin to warn us and we begin to pick up the behaviour. But when we pick up on it, he begins to know that it isn’t coming from you, but rather your friends. And that is a problem, so he begins to create doubts in your mind, planting seeds of uncertainty and disloyalty. And in some cases, he doesn’t like those friends right off the bat; some because their behaviour is off and he doesn’t want you acting like them (which is controlling); and others because he knows they will see right through him. In either of these cases, he wants seclude you, keep you isolated, which again resulting in full control.
7. Destroys You To Build You Up
This is classic narassistic behaviour. They want to be the saviour, the one that does all, knows all and fixes all. And if that means they have to destroy you to be the one to console you, trust me they will. They will start fights, pick on something, say they can’t be with you and the minute you cry and breakdown. They are there to catch you, tell you everything is okay, that you guys just have to work together. And voila, he is the saviour, the one and only. Allowing you to believe that he is there for you, manipulating you to think that he is there to pick up the pieces. But, get this, he just picked up the pieces to what he broke. Nothing worth praising.
Another classic move, which is very similar to the one stated above, but a bit more manipulative and a lot more conniving. Ultimatums are used to force you into something; that is a method of controlling and directing your behaviour into what it is that he wants. They used to tear you down, hindering your self-esteem and confidence. They mind fuck you so hard, that you end up doing exactly what it is that they want.
Majority of the time, the ultimatums they offer are followed by irrational thought pattern and illogical. It usually goes something like, “well if you do this, then it means you don’t care, but you can do it, but know that I might not be here after”. And, usually the ‘this’ is something so insignificant to the relationship, like going out with a friend or out period or even just as simple as wearing heels. Basically the ‘this’ encompasses anything that he disapproves of; which is an illustration of the insecurities he has that are now being placed on you.
9. The Break-Ups
If you break up leave it there, that is my best advice, or at least give it ample time before getting back together, especially… I stress this ESPECIALLY, if he is one that did it. And especially, if it is over something ridiculous which he made you feel guilty for; claiming it to be your fault that it happened, that you led me to it. This is how he tests his control over you, testing if he has you wrapped around his finger. And if you go back, even if he begs you or if threatens to do something harmful to you or himself, DON’T DO IT.
10. Hinders Your Growth
This is a huge one and more apparent in the beginning stages of the relationship, demonstrations of set behaviour will be disguised as caring for your well-being. Rather than allowing you to become the person you’re meant to grow into, whether it be success, following dreams or personal development; in his eyes you don’t need any of it, and it’s not because you’re perfect already; but rather due to his fear of you out growing him. In other words, you seeing him for who he really is, manipulative and condescending. For in his eyes he knows what is best and wants keeps as close to him as possible due to his own insecurities.
All in all, any and every person who is manipulative, condescending and rich in insecurities will most definitely exhibit abusive behaviours. And with time they grow worst to point of no return. Trust me, I’ve been there… many times and there many times that I feared my life.
So, I offer this advice as means to help others in avoiding situations similar to what I have gone through. Therefore, be mindful of behaviour, especially in the first stages. And pay attention to the way he moves, it’s important. Because there may be time that you’re so deep, so immersed in it all and your life may on the line; and if you could be proactive, you will save yourself from heartbreak, torture and tears… maybe even your life.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…
NUMB SERIES This was a moment in my life that was life changing, eye opening, mouth dropping… a moment where I felt nothing, numb to all that was, it was my way of coping.. until I realized the consequences…
ABROAD This is story about the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose. The journey abroad that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.