So it’s been a decade… one of many ups and downs. More downs than ups that’s for sure, but I guess we need things to fall apart so that others can fall together. It’s the name of the game…
These last 10 years have showed me that life will take you for a ride, a wild one to say the least and the only thing you can do it strap yourself in and hold on tight, as there is nothing you can do but watch it play out and work with what you have along with what’s left.
The decade began with the normalcy of the organized chaos that is my life… school, work, dance and outings mixed with the usual family politics. But, let me tell you, it wasn’t long before it all turned upside down and disorder I once knew turned into a pandemonium… a battlefield awaiting a war… disarray and turmoil in the midst of everything.
Two years into the decade, I met someone whom two years later proposed to me. Wonderful being, beautiful soul and incredibly loving and caring. Unfortunately, wasn’t the one for me, something which had taken a while to come to terms with and finally have the courage to break off the engagement. And though, it was my decision and I had accepted it, it destroyed me… felt like a failure while another part of me began doubting and distrusting myself… Why didn’t I see it? What took me so long to realize? How can I trust myself moving forward? Why did I let it get this far? So many freaking questions… and from there it is a downward spiral. Leading to two extremely toxic and unhealthy relationships, drugs and mistreatment as a common element. Had I been in a better state of mind, I would have never allowed such a breed in my space. Thankfully the both relations provided me with the breakthrough required to move forward in the right direction.
But let’s go back and fill in a few more details, because life isn’t that still, while at least not for me. So, a few months prior to the proposal, there was life changing discovery… my father’s infidelity. Wasn’t anything new per se, as he had been unfaithful multiple times in the past, but as me and my brother got older he changed his ways… turned a new leaf… or so we thought. And there it began… a non-stop war. Because this time around it was different, very different, he crossed too many lines between the denial, lies and deception to the hope, loyalty and commitment, it was three years of inconsistency… back and forth… in and out. By the middle of the decade, our over ten year family NYE vacation tradition ended… ceased to exist. And the following years were filled with tension and frustration, along with multiple instances of unnecessary drama and outrageous behaviour.
It was a good three, four, years of not knowing what to do, how to support and help my mom… not knowing what was happening or what would happen next… but with me and my brother no longer being children, it definitely changed the dynamic, giving my mom the strength, courage and support needed to walk away. From there, it was the beginning of an unnecessary war, the family torn apart, relationships lost and damaged forever. So much occurred that was frankly uncalled for and jaw dropping… it got bad, really bad. As entertaining as the stories are and would leave you shocked, I won’t be sharing them, as I no longer want to feed into the nonsense. It already consumed so much of me that it is unnecessary… and irrational to give it more attention, attention that it doesn’t deserve. So let’s just say you can’t fix stupid.
The following years was about establishing order and repairing all that was destroyed by a man who was suppose to hold it together. Now that isn’t to say it all ran smooth, far from it, but as time went on the nonsense was slowly becoming manageable.
Now enough with the downs, let me share the ups. Some pretty big moments, epic moments. I began the decade by landing a bartending job, mere luck, and because I’m freaking awesome! HAHA … Honestly, I royally… I mean royally fuck up first day on the job, and I thought for sure they wouldn’t call me back. But they did… because again, I’m fucking fantastic. I’ll share a quick story as it is pretty epic…
It was World Cup that year, and for anyone who lives in Toronto, shit gets crazy. So… First day on the job, it just so happened to be when Brazil won, and so the streets were wild, bars were insane. I walk in, the place packed, music blasting and everyone is lit. One boss on top of the bar with a bottle of Vecchia pouring down people’s mouths, he finally looks over and sees me, gets down and introduces me to the two girls working. Basically say, if you need anything ask them, if you want to drink it’s cool… just do your thing and have fun. The place was a complete shit show, but in the best kind of way. My cousins decided to stop by for a visit and next thing you know I’m taking shots with them. 1…3… 7…. And I was gone, trying my best to contain myself as much as possible. But then my boss totally notices and takes me to the back, has me sit down at a table, brings me an espresso and a water. We stayed there chatting about… I don’t fucking remember, but whatever, not the point… he ends up suggesting that I go home and call it a day. I look at him and my exact words were “no, let’s do it” and got up, went straight back to work until it was closing time. Next day received a call with my schedule… haha I died, and had to ask why?! Especially after my fuck up, and his response ‘Because you’re a solider’. The next three years were phenomenal, I loved… absolutely loved working there, my bosses were amazing, the people were incredible… the parties were epic… such great memories. Unfortunately, everything comes to an end, but always for the best.
The year I left, I graduated from University of Toronto with a Honors Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy (Specialists), now for me this was a huge deal, not because it was hard or that I didn’t like school. I actually loved school to the point I kept going back for more, even after having enough credits to graduate. I even went back and took a few Accounting courses and completed a Marketing Certificate after graduating. I just couldn’t let go. So when I say it was a big deal, it’s because I didn’t want to say bye. Forever wanted to be a student. Not going to lie though, it did feel great to finally push the button.
Mid way through the decade, I took a full three day self help / personal growth course, Landmark Forum, which given the above bullshit stated was everything for me. Offering me a different way to look at life, approach life. It was definitely one of the more transformative journeys of my life, giving way to many, many opportunities in my life. It changed everything for me. And one, I most definitely have to share, as what it did for me was magic. And I could attribute many of my future accomplishments to them, because without having partaken, the following years would have turned out completely different.
Three years prior to the end of the decade… The biggest, probably the most exciting thing that occurred was becoming a homeowner. The official stamp of adulthood. Paying bills not so much, but having your own space is golden. Moving in was such freedom, but most definitely came with quite a few obstacles. Aside from the step into adulthood, I did met someone… who… well let’s just stay left a mark… a stain in my soul. We won’t talk about it… I’ll just leave it at that, as it is all still unfolding… somewhat of a complicated situation.
Second last year was the boldest thing I ever did, which was moving abroad to Portugal for a year and just doing me… healing, growing and finding peace. And led to the creation and publication of my book.
And finally the last year, moving back home to Toronto, seeing my family and being able to help and support them… be there for them was one of the greatest feelings, not only did I miss them, I miss everything that came with home… everything that makes me… me, especially dance. Coming home not only relived me, but allowed me to apply my growth and what I had learned over the past year abroad, which led to ending the New Year in Cuba with my mom. I must say it was the best way to end and start a decade!
I must say a lot happened, and the way I started the decade was no where close to how I would ever have imagine finishing it. In the moments where all was wrong, I couldn’t have imagined anything right, couldn’t even come to believe that things would turn around or get better.
Tune in Thursday and I’ll tell you little bit of what I learnt throughout these ten years…
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…
NUMB SERIES This was a moment in my life that was life changing, eye opening, mouth dropping… a moment where I felt nothing, numb to all that was, it was my way of coping.. until I realized the consequences…
ABROAD This is story about the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose. The journey abroad that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.