As mentioned, it was decade of many… many… many changes, a lot of twists and turns… ups and downs. A fucking rollercoaster ride with endless loops, countless drops, numerous uphills and limited states of consistency. Throughout which, I learnt quite a few lessons, some came easy and swiftly, others not so much… they took time to learn and really sink in. But, all of which are important to note for moving forward.
These are meh top ten lessons that were themes predominant during the last decade.
GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT
I haven’t healed and grown as much as I have, the way I did these past years. Being a person that wears my heart on my sleeve, in a time I was undoubtedly vulnerable in all aspects, I was torn apart by savages… predators. The men I allowed my life didn’t make healing through the turmoil easy, only made it much more difficult. I was lied to, taken advantage of, abused… scared for my life at points… and yet, I relied, counted on them to give me the strength required to move forward and keep me a float through the pain of it all, that is, the lost of my family. And I guess they knew that and utilized it to their advantage, knowing that I was too weak to have the balls to actually do anything about it. Sad, when I think about it, because I’m strong AF… but only because life made me so, and quite frankly had no choice, but to be strong and for that I’m thankful. I just never gave myself credit, never thought I could make it through alone… funny thing is, I’ve always made it through alone. But when a person is at their lowest of points, we neglect to realize just how great we really are and allow all sorts of nonsense to come about… it’s ridiculous when you think about it… but hey, it is what it is. You live and you learn.
LOVE FREELY YET PROTECT YOURSELF
Just heartbreaking to know the amount of non-genuine people out there in the world, the ones that only care about themselves, disregarding all else. For only they matter, their bottom line is the only concern and all else is just a means to an end. How individuals like that exist, how they can live and sleep amazes me… I wouldn’t dare to ever intentionally hurt someone. I can’t even date two people at the same time, I feel terrible, even if it’s not exclusive, the guilt pours through my veins and voices in head never end. Yet, there are so many out there just destroying souls, it is saddening. And this decade taught me that, no matter how good you are, no matter how much you care, no matter how well you lead people in the right direction or they lead you… they are who they are, and you can’t change them. They will do as they do, and be as they be. Love them regardless, but protect yourself, as they will eat you up faster than you can say ‘hi’.
not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, and not everyone who saves you is a friend.
KNOW YOUR PEOPLE
MASSIVE!!!!!!! I MEAN MASSIVE LESSON. I have always been somewhat super selective with who I allow in my life, who I don’t… the types of people, the reasons why and the extend of my dealings with them. I make friends with everyone and I’ll talk and chat with anyone, but there is a huge line with who I let in and allow to know me, like really know me. This is something I learnt to do over my younger years, but this last decade has really shown me the importance of minimizing. Setting the standard… and ensuring to not fall into the hands of benefit of the doubt. Too really stop searching for the greatness in everyone when they continuously show everything but… A hard lesson for me, because everyone has something great in them. But don’t fool yourself by only seeing the greatness that they could uphold and begin to accept what it is they are upholding. It’s something which occurs slowly, and will definitely reveal who is who in your life. And once you apply your standard, the standard that you want for your life, certain relations will dissolved and others will form.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.
BE HONEST WITH WHO YOU ARE
Another a great thing I learnt was be true to yourself, as difficult as it is, as out of the norm you may be, embrace yourself to the fullest and live in that until the day you die. Because being true to yourself is the only way to be happy, it isn’t by being someone else or lying to yourself… coercing yourself to believing you are something or someone you are not, that will get you to where you want to go, it is by being blunt to the point that tears steam down your face because the truth you kept denying for so long has finally hit you in the face. The one you were once too afraid to accept, because it was either too risky, nerve racking or doubtful… life will never turn out the way you imagine. It will always be the something completely different… and that’s another lesson, embrace change… don’t get comfortable, because what you know today… your reality today… life as you know it can very will become what you knew once upon a time with absolutely little or no resemblance. Things can change from one instance to another. So detach from the comfort of being comfortable.
One of the bigger lessons was forgiveness. And I don’t mean forgiveness for others, though it is important, but rather forgiveness for yourself. For the mistakes made, the decisions chosen and the acts done… because when you don’t forgive yourself, you began to think of yourself as unworthy. Something which occurs subconsciously, and with that you begin to accept things you otherwise wouldn’t have accepted, merely because you don’t think much of yourself to stand for yourself. And it’s sad… a downward spiral that will bring nothing but anguish and torture to your life, most importantly your soul. It happens so fast that before you know it, you lose yourself, looking for love in all the wrong places, while avoiding yourself to the point that looking in the mirror is one of the more difficult tasks of the day. Nothing but overwhelming shame, for not only have you disappointed yourself with mistakes, decisions and acts, you have began to allow people and situations to treat you as nothing… shame that you can’t even muster the courage to stand for yourself… to yourself. And that my friends will kill you from the inside out, destroying every bit of your soul, having you not only mistreating yourself, but allowing others to do so as well.
Advice: mediate on what it is that is happening around you, how it is you are treating yourself, what it is you are doing or not doing… from there ask questions, dig for answers within yourself… give yourself the time to uncover the knot within your soul.
GREAT THINGS COME FROM BEING BOLD
As crazy as that sounds, it is almost necessary during certain moments in life, as though it is required for your peace of mind and growth. Moving abroad was the most exciting, scariest and boldest move I ever done. I was alone, forced to be with myself… heal myself. Part of me felt selfish, as I left my mother and brother to handle the mess my father had made, and it tore me into pieces at times, because I knew they needed me. But, I just couldn’t… internally fighting so many battles apart from those that pertained to the whole family shit show. And as much as it hurt to leave, as much as I wanted to offer support and assistance, I wasn’t in any sort of state. I had been taking a lot hits, and I buried them so deep that I was emotionally crippled, mentally exhausted and physically drained. Packing up my shit and taking off was something I needed to do for myself, in order to get clarity, regain confidence and find peace of mind. And at first it was great, but as time went on summer ended and the fun stopped, leaving me no choice but to deal with my shit. Greatest thing I ever did!!! I was forced to be bold and stare my demons right in the face… my fears, insecurities, worries, doubts, the list goes on, and I was terrified because I was alone. I’ve always kind of overcame my internal battles alone, but I still always had someone… my mom, brother or friend around, their presence… because regardless if you speak about something or not, just having the presence of someone around provides us comfort. And this time, I didn’t have anyone around, and that was scary. But it helped me grow in ways I never imagined… in ways I couldn’t believe. Becoming more intuitive, harmonizing with not only with myself but the universe… building my confidence to the point I ended up publishing a poetry book, which still to this day blows my mind, as failure was a huge internal battle. But, if I hadn’t pushed myself into an extremely bold, scary and uncomfortable situation, such as moving away, I would have probably never built the confidence to be vulnerable enough put myself out there.
BEAUTY IN BEING ALONE
Now, I don’t mean single. I mean alone, not having friends or family… just you. It’s okay to be a bit of a loner loser, to sit at home on a Friday / Saturday night and do nothing. it’s okay to not be a part of something, even though we should, as it does help us in many ways… but, it’s okay not too. It’s okay to take yourself out for a dinner date, to go out dancing, walk on the beach, find adventures and just be. It’s okay to not constantly be connected, even more so to be disconnected and just be quiet. Something which took some getting used to, as I’m someone who surrounds myself with others, going here and there, always doing something with someone… whether it be going out, talking or going for a drive, eating… I would rarely go alone… unless it was to study, but even that, not even really. But, once I discovered just how freaking awesome it is to be alone, I fell in love, maybe a little too much LOL… But hey what can I say I’m great company.
ONE THING AT A TIME
Probably one of the hardest lessons to date, as I am a huge multi-tasker and find it extremely difficult to do one thing at a time. I drive on being busy, on being productive and efficient. Problem is I didn’t know how to just be, just relax and chill for a moment. It wasn’t because I lacked time, it was simply because I felt more productive… accomplished. But as I said, I didn’t know how to just do one thing. How to just watch a movie and not play a game on my phone or iPad… how to just write and not have a show running in the background… how to just hang out with friends without feeling the need to do laundry, clean or cook… how to just talk on the phone without organizing or scheduling something… without answering emails or making notes. It was all about maximizing time. The thing is as great as it is to be efficient with your time, it is more important to give yourself time, treat everything you do with the diligence it deserves relative to that which is available. Because you see, when you rush these little things, overlapping them, thinking that somehow it will give you more… you began to rush life, failing to enjoy the moments… you miss them, granted that you’re too busy running, you don’t even see them. And when we do that, we miss out on so much, opportunities just blow by and as though they were never there. Yet, those opportunities, those moments, are the very ones you are rushing toward.
there is a time and place for everything… a time to move fast and a time to move diligently.
We need time for ourselves, whether in a relationship or not, working toward something or not, we need to actively implement balance… discipline. Make time for everything, most importantly time for yourself. And I don’t mean just chilling and Netflixing. I mean quiet time for yourself. Life gets so busy, and we can get so easily distracted with all that occurs and especially with social media and the internet. We lose ourselves. We push ourselves, whether it is with new projects and goals or staying up late to finish a series. We drive ourselves on what feels good at the moment and forget about what is required for future. And once you let one thing slip you let everything slip.
Because how you do anything is how you do everything.
STOP DOUBTING & CONFIDE
This has definitely been a battle for me. I may come across as someone who rarely doubts themselves, but I most definitely do… more than you could imagine. I live with in a constant war with failure… a demon that just comes around and whispers terrible nothings in my ear, shooting down my self-esteem and spiking self-consciousness. It’s great! The best part is, it always happens at the worst of times, the times where confidence is required and doubt should be no where in sight. But of course, it is. And in that moment you do the most ridiculous of things, from embarrassing yourself to acting out of sorts, all because you are in your head. Got to love insecurities! They are fucking great at ruining things… making life just a little bit more difficult than it has to be, which most of the time ends up leading to a vicious cycle of uncertainty.
Given the break up of my engagement, I questioned myself a lot about how certain I was of everything in my life, and I doubted a lot of decisions and opportunities, questioning everything and never being certain. Living on the fence. It is not a fun place to be, extremely uncomfortable, all because of one mishap. But the thing is I know what I want, and I realized this when I went shopping one day… I know terrible example but nonetheless kind of great. I will walk into a store and do a one two check and if something stands out and I like it, that’s it, if nothing stands out I don’t. It’s actually super simple. I know what I like, if I can pick it out in a store, without having any doubts, I can most definitely pick it out in my life. Just that simple. No questions. We know what we want, we just have to stop doubting and questioning ourselves about it. We got this. Making a mistake or having a lapse of judgement is normal, it doesn’t mean you can’t trust yourself, it means you made a mistake… you bought the wrong size top, go back and exchange it and if you can’t return it, pay closer attention next time. Just that simple.
STAND FOR SOMETHING
Mid way through the decade and even now, I realize just how important it is to uphold a guideline by which you want your life to unfold. How it is you want people to treat you? What it is you tolerate? What you don’t? What will take up space in your life? What won’t? Etc.. etc.. The standard by which you want the circumstances of your life to be… and it all begins with how you value yourself. Mid way in the decade my self-esteem was at low, doubting and questioning myself more than usual, punishing myself for a mistake I thought I should have caught, should have known better. And led to two years of relentless hurt, my self-worth place at an all time low, and I accepted things I would have never otherwise tolerated… I would have never otherwise let in. But due to my state of mind, I figured I deserved it, as I was a failure in my eyes. Luckily, I snapped out of it. It took a long look in the mirror and an intervention, followed by a one hour conversation with a very special soul that gave me the breakthrough of a lifetime… which goes back to forgiveness… forgiveness for myself.
And since then, I have set guidelines… it’s been process as my insecurities give way here and there. My return back home definitely led to many unrevealing… lost relations… yet with so much gain. None of which was in relation to one and other… but it was more the fact of opportunities opening when others dissolved, all because of the change in circumstances; the change in what you are willing to accept… how you value yourself… how true you are to yourself, real you are.. the change in certainty… what you know, what you feel. But the last year or so, I’ve really came to realize that if you don’t stick by a standard, people will do as they do… with little or no regard to the impact. And just because you care about someone or something, doesn’t mean you are obligated to accept what is outside the scope of the standard by which you want the circumstances of your life to be. That’s how you will know what is meant stay and what isn’t… who is will be and who won’t. It leads to a lot of changes, I lost a few people and passed on opportunities, but it opened so much more for me, which goes back to being true to yourself.
Once you begin to place a worth, a standard by which you want the circumstances of your life to be, it all changes. It’s scary, because we doubt and question, because we have no idea how it will all turn out. But once we stand for something, make a decision… like really make a decision about what we want, we more than likely wouldn’t settle for anything else. And that will give us everything we want. And yes, we will lose people along with opportunities, but won’t you want to get rid of that which can impede on your happiness… keep you from what you want?!
Keep it simple!!
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…
NUMB SERIES This was a moment in my life that was life changing, eye opening, mouth dropping… a moment where I felt nothing, numb to all that was, it was my way of coping.. until I realized the consequences…
ABROAD This is story about the road to fulfilling my life’s purpose. The journey abroad that will ultimately transform my soul on levels that are unimaginable. A lot of healing, growing, learning… wisdom… enlightenment at its finest.