Now I don’t know what it is, but something has been working aggressively to grab my attention. Ever since I’ve been back there is been signs. A sorts of signs. My angels guiding and assuring me of every move I make. And lately… well for a while now I’ve been visiting my brother.
He has legit become my therapist. There is just something about talking to a tombstone that has you open up in ways you never thought. Maybe it’s because the lack of possibility for misunderstanding, judgment and everything else in between. The fact you can just talk and part of you knowing they have been there the whole time… watching. The comfort of knowing you can be real without the extra. Because they know. Something about the comfort in talking in the absence of criticism… the freedom to speak without having to explain every little detail as there is undoubted understanding in a higher sense.
The simplicity in talking to him is gold… everything to me. I’ve never felt so close to him as I have since I’ve been back.
I’ve come to see him as our angel in heaven helping us through it all. Bittersweet. Because I almost feel as though we wouldn’t have made it out without him… as though he guided us through the turmoil and still is. I know I wouldn’t be here without him.
Such peace in that… such peace knowing we have someone looking down on us. Because life can get extremely doubtful at times, and we can question ourselves over and over. Not knowing if we are making the right choices, taking that right path, making the right decisions. And sometimes all we need is reassurance that we are going the direction that is meant for us… no longer diverting.
And since I’ve been back it’s been a transition. Going from fully expressing to now suppressing… loyalty. It’s been a struggle to make everyone happy, including myself. It’s been a constant battle in multi-levels, between the war the separation brought about followed by the demanding percussions along with the familial pressures has resulted in the internal battle of suppression… my soul is slowly being eaten alive.
Because no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I can’t change any of it. And any attempts never seem to be enough. It’s been a never ending war to satisfy every one but myself while still trying to stay true to what I want… not only for me but from life. So much of which is placed on the back burner, as my surroundings now demand alternative priorities.
It’s created a shit ton of turmoil, not only with directs but within myself. Feeling so lost as times, not knowing what to do… it can get hard teeter-tottering between what is expected and what is desired. Not knowing if loyalty is determined by presence… or just the appearance of… defiance defined by selfless… appreciation dictated by sacrifice…
At what cost do you sacrifice yourself? And what to extend? Is there limit, a point in which we ought to put our foot down?
Suppressing to solely uphold… in hopes that everything will finally be okay… but then not only fail in making myself happy, but others as well. And in the end, the over-exhaustion and wide spread slowly depletes the soul… losing all passion, craving only to be re-energized for the next day. And for a creative soul who lives on expression… the passion behind it… witnessing that depletion is haunting.
And if it wasn’t for my sibling chats with my brother, I really don’t think I would have stay sane throughout this whole tine. There is a lot of uncertainty that resides within certain areas of my life, particularly my directs, and the whole dynamic, including myself. A lot which has changed within the last five years, and it’s been an adjustment…
Figuring out the next step and having the balls to do it, importantly sticking to it. Self-doubt creeps up relatively quickly without the support of loved ones. But my brother has made it undoubtedly clear he has my back, everyday him and his angels send me signs giving me the assurance I need to make the hard decision… take the leap.
And I love him for that! I’m so incredibly grateful for him… Because as much as I may feel alone, I’m not alone… I have him.
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…