Let me tell you just how much I don’t have game haha… I’m sharing this with complete vulnerability so don’t be an asshole about just how lame I really am. I mean next level lame. Super embarrassing yet tad hilarious when I think of it. Aside from the entertainment offered at my expense, there is a learning experience in the midst of the fail.
So here we go…
There is this guy, and I’ve been crushing on for a while now… a long while. I don’t know what it is, but I like him. There are just so many walls up on both sides and it’s been complicating, granted the lack of communication. Yet, I can’t help but want to uncomplicate things.
But it seems my attempts end up being fails and well… straight up lame. And yo… I’m not this person, I’m usually cool and collected, but I’m a super cheese… AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE CHEESE!!! Sorry for the caps, just deeply frustrated with myself… Like who the fuck is this person?! I make fun of cheese and here I am with the cheese… and not in a cute kind of way, NOPE… awkward as fuck… LAME.
So it’s Friday night 2am, home from a spontaneous but late drink invitation from my tenant, who lives down the hall. Such amazing woman, so much fun, so much knowledge and a beautiful soul.She’s actually the ex-wife of Barenaked Ladies. Super random, I know! But like, I’m cool like that haha… Anywho, there I was a tad intoxicated thinking about food, and so my mind immediately goes to chicken wings as it was mentioned several times during mine and his last encounter.
So boom, now I’m thinking about him. And of course… OF FUCKING COURSE… I’m a dickhead and message him at 2am… because while that’s genius. Then not only do I proceed to write up a one two comment regarding wings and how I thought of him… BUT… BUTTTTTTTT I then follow it up with ‘ps. you’re my human (nerd face emoji)’ LIKE WTF?! WHAT.. WHO.. WHAT?! What is going on… WHO IS THIS?! WHO I AM?!
The best part was I only realized after I pressed send and I stared at it for a while… YOOOOOOOOO?! But at that point you there is no going back, you can’t delete… because if you delete, your ass better think of something quick. My mind doesn’t work that fast, like I’m quick but I mean after a few drinks and a joint. Because what the hell did you delete?! And it would just be weird… and I mean who says that anyways, ‘ps. you’re my human’ WHAT?! I can’t even deal with myself right now.
I’m the girl who had a guy tell me once, he wants to be my moon and me his sun, I laughed so hard… I just couldn’t. Yet here I am?! It’s like damnnnn, no fucking game. Or rather just out of sorts. What can I say I don’t do well in foreign territory… the situation is all too unfamiliar and vulnerable, such a level of uncertainty in terms of reassurance.
Whatever it may be I failed miserably in re-establishing relations and not because I deceived or inflicted in any way… simply because I’m overthinking. And overthinking has me trying too hard, and that has anyone acting kinds of crazy, and in my case leading me to the most awkward of situations. And it’s shitty as it is, as part of me wished this story had a different ending. It is what is it.
And regardless of the particulars, including the fact I’m ‘no game sally’, should it be this mind racketing?! Thought consuming… should it not be easy… smooth… simple. Mind you I’ve never been the one doing the courting. So… first time for everything, and definitely the last… hahaha. Because for me, all too much work… Because shouldn’t it just naturally flow?!
Don’t get me wrong I’m all about working at things, and my past is proof of holding on when it’s just threads, false hope mingled with benefit of the doubt, but I mean… that’s usually once it as all been established, not prior. It’s like the cake didn’t even go in the oven yet and shit going wrong… that’s fucked up. That’s when you got to check your shit… because something isn’t right.
Over the past, I would say decade, this is what I know about myself… what I want in my space, most importantly what for my life. And over the past four years, I’ve slowing been enforcing this energy, and re-enforcing. So with reference to the situation, I’m going to take a step back and tell you what I have learned… And these are the basics…
Don’t get me wrong I will work, I will compromise and all that, I will be there through everything, just give me the basics. Let me know you are there. That’s all I need. But if you can’t then I can’t. And this is essentially what was out of wack, because I found myself overthinking. When we overthink, we are out of sync… not in harmony and out of sorts… out of balance… things naturally go weird and shit goes wrong. Not acting like ourselves allowing insecurities and walls to overtake the situation because it all feels foreign… it’s all too risky.
But just be real with it, be honest, genuine and confident. Keep it simple. There is no need for games, for chasing, or jumping through hoops or anything else for that matter. It’s black and white, either you like the person or you don’t… you either want them in your life or you don’t. It is all or nothing, because leaving room for interruption only leads to overthinking. And certainty is simplicity. And any and all overthinking is just too much work… and when work which isn’t offered at exchange, completely one-sided, it isn’t prudent to continue.
One thing I have learned in the hardest of ways, the most painful of ways, is never to relive something that no longer wants to be alive…
So much already goes on in my life, I need someone that brings peace to my soul. And he did. Hence what drew me in, yet it was interesting… intriguing, while at the same time no politics. Then games started and led to the raise of insecurities, doubt and lack of communication. Then add his fortress of walls along with mine, it gave way to questioning intentions which resulted in racketeering. And that isn’t peace. That’s chaos… and I have enough of that in my life, so if it’s within my control I much rather keep it simple. Peace is a dual effort, joint effort.
Love and sex is great, but if the cost is my peace of mind… no thank you. This old lady is cool with being a ‘no game Sally’ rather than racketeering. Because it should just organically flow, there shouldn’t be any side nonsense complicating the situation.
No lie, this has been the first time I had to put in the work. Because I never once did I ever have to put in work, I’m a simple soul… and sometimes that simplicity had me love the wrong people. But I never had to bend over backwards for those people, or any people. And let me tell you they worked… I mean they worked. And not because I had anyone on the side. Because I have my walls.
And yet, here I’m bending in ways he doesn’t know. Breaking down walls after putting myself in the worst of occurrences… again because I have no game. And so, I fail miserably at my attempts, then find myself working to make up for my failed attempts. And, let me tell you that is work… overthinking… overcompensating… because shouldn’t it just work?! Shouldn’t it just flow?! The extras are all so unnecessary… just noise. Distractions from the truth. And straight up, ain’t nobody got time for that… yet here I am, or I should say, how I was…
As though to prove my worth… YOO WTF?!!! I’m conceited more do I think I’m better than anyone else, I just know I don’t need to fight for love… no one does. And there is something bigger here… because here I am working for it. But is he?! And whatever misconception or misunderstanding… if someone really cares they will put the effort. Nothing should ever be one sided. And when it is… red flags. Because what kind of man will he be?! Half in half out?!
And you should never have to prove yourself to anyone, especially to those unwilling to see the genuinity on your intentions. Whether that changes anything or not… It’s either working together or not working at all…. Because that it you’re worth.
Abandonment is all too real for me. Regardless of any situation, if I feel in any away alone, it leads to uneasiness… it’s unsettling and no doubt a trigger… all leading to mind racketeering. And so, I can’t deal, can’t deal with breaking down my walls as someone else builds theirs up. Then at same time pushing through mine to get through theirs.. It’s all too much work… too much work being done alone in a situation which requires dual effort. And I know where that leads… one-sided relations tainted by the lack of communication filtered by the veil of insecurities… ughhhh that is no place I want to go.
I can’t handle… I want simple, I want easy… And the moment I begin to sense the slightest of resistance, I put back… begin to overthink… overcompensate… all in hopes to find assurance. All this work… for what?! Fighting for love I know I’m worthy of… come on now… it’s starting to feel like a work, all one-sided, but not even a job is one-sided, there is still an exchange. So it doesn’t seem prudent to work without reward.
This whole relation has become a battle and I’m already fighting a war… so if it’s within my control I choose simplicity. I got you and you got me… easy. Consistent. No extra. No politics. Just you and me. Because I already have enough bullshit on the regular, so if I can choose peace… I will. Because I much rather be alone, then have someone that has me racketeering as a sport, all because of fear of pushing through their boundaries. Because if I can push through mine, so can they.
I know my worth and I know who I am. And most importantly, I know what I want. And I’m certain in that, I’m confident in that, regardless of ‘no game Sally’ or not, I won’t comprise my value bending over backwards for a man who can’t see it… I’m passed that stage in my life.
And to have someone in your life who is uncertain on what they want or who they are, will only end up having you fighting an internal battle… being all up in your head. And I don’t care what anyone says, when someone really wants something they will make so. So I’m keeping shit black and white, simple, because either he likes you or he doesn’t… and that’s that. And if he does effort is present, if not it will be absent. Because you should never have to fight for somebody to make space in their life for you. It should be simple and without any games.
Unfortunately, sometimes we require the most embarrassing moments, those ‘no turning back from’ moments to clarify a few things for us… to make a decision when no decision is being made. Letting go rather than stringing along… So all I got to say is…. phewwww I almost lost myself there, almost forgot who I was?!
Because in the end, it is all about joint effort, and if a man can’t see that, then you two aren’t playing the same sport. And if you aren’t playing the same sport, how would you ever be future team mates?!
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…