Now I’m not too sure if this is a Leo thing… or if life events have caused this trait to arise, that is, the ‘off switch’. Almost as if it has been developed as a survival tactic.
I know quite a few people who have the ability to switch off at any moment. It is as though they snap their fingers and boom, whatever it is… whoever it is… is now out of sight, out of mind. It’s a scary thing to be able to have that kind of power, the ability to just let go in an instance. What once meant the world to you no longer means anything, from one second to another it all just shifts.
And as I said, it is scary, because once that shift happens, everything changes. And the likelihood of its reversal is slim.
You see for me, I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I either love you or I hate you. There is no in between with me, and you will most definitely know where you stand as I am incapable of tolerating that which I want absolutely nothing to do with. Now don’t get me wrong, there is a lot I tolerate, smile and go along with for various reasons… but, once my mind is made up and the line has been crossed, that’s it.
And what makes it scary is how quick it can happen. Even more so, how easily it can be controlled. Almost as though, it is skill… a talent per say, one that can make you ruthless yet unstoppable. One minute you are this heartwarming lovable human and the next cold as ice, without any forewarning.
The good thing is that it takes a lot for me to hit that switch, but like I said, once I hit it, that’s it… game over. I’ll walk away as though nothing happened, as though I don’t even know you… never did and never will. It’s some freaky shit. Because it is one thing to be completely shut off to the world, emotionless throughout, but when someone feels completely without restriction, to then be able to turn off as though they never felt anything ever… terrifying. But powerful AF!
I recently had to do this, I didn’t want too… I was reluctant. But I knew it had to be done. The level of respect and lack of consideration given by someone who I known for years, someone who has grown with me throughout it all… we had grown together, was unacceptable. Because reciprocation tells all, it is an illustration of one’s love for you. And if one’s love isn’t mirrored, it alters the understanding of the relationship… the dynamic and you view the person in a whole other light.
And so, why continue feeding something that you falsely believed was there?! Seems pointless… and its destruction is almost inevitable, so why prolong it?! Just cut it.
And though it is relieving, that is letting go and turning off… freedom from it all… the hurt and betrayal. It was the first time it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of strength, extracting energy from even my weakest of places. Feeling partially unnatural, as it was forced by my mind, rather than accepted by my heart.
Something I never thought held a place in this whole concept… I always understood it as will power. As the mind is said to control all. But our hearts are just as important, the harmony amongst the two is what creates the natural flow… fluidity throughout in the absence of contradiction is oneness… wholeness.
And though it feels inorganic, I can’t help but wonder if sometimes we need a bit of ‘out of sorts’ to reconfigure our wholeness?! After all, is that not what transformation is about?!
Black & White Answers is about the journey of life… doubt and hurt… deceit, pain and love. It encompasses all that is, all that was and all that will be. A collection of poems, which tells more than just a story… They share a journey, the search on how to find, and love yourself amidst heartache. It asks and answers questions which the soul desires while the heart dreads, yet the mind appreciates. It is a clearing…