the fear

The Fear

I may have found love…

I don’t even know where to start, where to even begin… Let’s just say I hold a lot of pain inside me, and I do great job of concealing and containing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a happy person and always looking for the positive side to anything and everything, even in the worst possible case scenario.

And I’ve healed from a lot and moved on from quite a bit. But some wounds run so deep, that no matter how far you have come, there are days it hits you… triggers… and then it all comes rushing back. And I feel every aching bit of it to the fullest extend. Something I despite, the shortness of breath, the ball in my throat as the tears slowly roll down my face… and my heart… my heart actually hurting… aching in pain.

Have you ever felt your heart hurt?! Aching, sore from it all… My mind empty, completely immersed in the whole experience of what it is not to numb. Something I’ve been so good at, holding off the pain. Not wanting to feel any of it.

Love on the other hand… I want love, I want to love, I love love. Happy emotions are great, I can do happy emotions. I can’t do sad, it just too real for me. They just bring too much in… uninvited fears. Ironically, the same goes for love.

For the problem is we never have one without the other. Especially in matters of the heart… it’s scary to give yourself to someone, it could be everything you want. And you know it. But the fear of letting someone in… giving someone access to your heart… your soul.

It’s something that is extremely rewarding, but it is one of the greatest risks. Especially when history has shown you all that it has… it sometimes feels better to be alone, without the fear of abandonment… the fear hurt. Happiness lying solely in your hands, without the possibility of external influence. Because you’re safe, so long as you don’t let anyone in.

You see, I’m a person who loves completely, and when I love, I love hard… so when I fall, it hurts like a mother fucker. I feel into everything, every single bit of the torturous pain… whether it be my heart broken or theirs, it doesn’t change the destruction done to my soul. And despite the pain, the hurt… the fears, I always loved and it always failed me some way.

So I shutdown, my father was the last straw. When he broke my heart… I was left tainted… my soul stained by it all. It wasn’t just the cheating, it was the lying, the manipulation, deceit, self-serving behaviours.. the stealing, the abuse, disrespect… the evil… the destruction. It was the coldness that overcame him almost instantly. For he was always narcissistic, his tendencies known and accepted… to a degree, but then he crossed a line… becoming someone I no longer recognized. Heartbreaking.

I was used as a tool for his own personal gain, his actions disguised as sincerity and remorse, when really it was an Oscar winning performance, solely dedicated to self interest. So ruthless, as not care about the affects on others. So cunning, as play as though you do. Unreal… really.

It impacted me in so many ways. The destruction of a parent’s love by their own hand leaves a child lost. And I was lost. How could the love of a father for his daughter dissipate to the extend that it is no longer existent. Dissolving… to only evolve into ruthlessness.

The thought of love, kind of disappears at that point… any hope… all hope is lost. Tragic. So tragic that the thought of it… the slightest possibility, that it just may be within your grasps… within reaching distance will scare the living shit out of you. Yet at the same time, having you feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for what is at play.

The joy and happiness overcoming you in every which way… the internal warmth of it all. Slightly always feeling as though its too much to ask for someone to love me the way same way I would them… the feeling of numerous disappointments births a sense of unworthiness, while at the same time a shield of protection.

But when faced with it, not full force, but rather the tiniest taste of it, will make you so happy you cry with joy. Even more so, when knowing you have mastered cutting the noise, filtering the nonsense and weeding out the unnecessary.

So the fact that it just might be real without the adversities. Love might actually exist, it may actually be possible. And I’m talking that love love, the love that you define as love, makes you speechless, happy as ever, but scared shitless.

And so, I sit here, writing this piece with tears rolls my face, my heart on the page and my soul exposed. Because I want it to be real, as real as the pain I feel… I felt, the one I conceal ever so well.

For that reason, I’m out of this world thankful… grateful for my brother, because without him none of this would be possible. I wouldn’t be able to accept, to see what is in front of me. His guidance and love from up above certifies that I’m worth it, something I never I was… and that’s a whole other story. But now I know I am… possibly the best feeling to date. Love you Manõ mwah xox…

And so I may have found love, but only time will tell…

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