One of the hardest things I faced when coming to love myself, was and still is acceptance.
Acceptance for being different… being weird, loud, out of the box filled with excessive bursts of energy, and nothing but love… with a multitude of quirks and a passion for living that led in both directions… many lessons learnt, while many still to learn. So acceptance has been a bit a challenge in all faucets of life, not only internally but externally as well.
Because as much as we don’t want to admit, acceptance of ourselves is indirectly influenced by the acceptance of others. Hence why, there are people we can be ourselves with and others we can’t, we call it comfort; and really what it is… is the fear of judgement.
Something which I know all too well. For not only do we fear judgement from others, but we fear judgement from ourselves… probably the worst of the two. Because we can’t ever escape ourselves, unless we numb. And I’ve been down that road, and isn’t fun, it’s terrifying.
But then we get to a point, where you have no choice, because you either continue as is or you do something about it. And so, I did. Like I think most do. But the problem is when it starts creeping back. And not because you aren’t doing the work or making the effort, but rather because what you worked so hard to achieve… that is, love for yourself, complete and utter acceptance for who it is you are… weird and all… to then not be loved for all that you are, who you are, but rather loved for everything but…
BOOM! There you are faced with having to learn to accept yourself again… love yourself, as it has yet to happen…
But because this time, we are stronger, wiser, it isn’t as difficult as it once was, but regardless it doesn’t make it hurt any less. The feeling of not being good enough… not up to par. The feeling that if you were different… not ‘you different’, but different in the sense of their normal, then all is well… all is accepted and loved. Idealized.
It’s a hard feeling to shake off as life can provide so many triggers… it’s a battle that will never cease to exist. But it is a battle I’m determined to win!