Sometimes I feel like I’m running… chasing… wanting everything to have tomorrow, because it didn’t happen today. Wanting to wake up tomorrow and it all be possible… no limitations or restrictions, just the ability to make moves… the space to make change. It’s as though we work and work, struggle and struggle, fight and fight… waiting, wanting, desiring more than the current to never receive it… or rather I should say, not soon enough. It’s as though, time passes by so fast, while the rewards take forever… requiring patience and persistence. It’s almost as though the fight determines the reward… while at least we would like to think, or hope for that. But who is to say it does?!
I like to believe in karma, that what you put in will put out, negative or positive. But it’s difficult to have faith in good karma, it’s much easier to have faith in bad. Because to believe you are deserving of good karma, you must believe you’re worthy.. and I’ll be honest, I don’t think I am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good person and all, and I don’t go around hurting people and destroying lives… but deserving seems to be of such a standard, that I personally, being my hardest critic, as we all are, I don’t think I would ever classify myself as worthy. I think I could do more, be more.
I don’t say that in a negative way… I’m most definitely worthy of quite a bit in respects to principles and standards, but as for self-appropriation of deserving, that’s something which must be externally credited and not internally acknowledged and outwardly projected.. because that’s just ego… narcissistic.
Anyways… back to the topic at hand… what makes one worthy?! Is it consistency, patience… persistence… what is it that gets someone what they want?! Because sometimes after chasing and running for so long, you just want to give up… stop and breathe… be free.
And maybe that is exactly what is needed?! But what if it’s not?! What if it’s all a test?! What if it is all part of the beautiful story?! Or what if is it a tragedy in the making?! How do you have faith in reward… good karma, when the reaping takes three times the time took to sow?! Do you cling to mini successes, simple validations, having them catapult you forward to the next hurdle?! Or is that insanity… doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?!
Where is the line?! At what point do you give up and just accept?! Furthermore, does acceptance denote your worthiness?! Does it dictate your eligibility to receive and reap the benefits?! Or do you just keep going… surrendering the search for validation and just allow the chips to fall where they may…