I almost feel like writing, but not… unsure of what to say or express. Because part of me knows both were blame, everyone plays a role in how things all turn out… I’m not victim of any situation… none of us are. We’re the variable to the circumstance, but note, like equations every variable has its own function within the equation, which gives way to the result… and it’s knowing the function each variable plays within the equation is what is key… that’s awareness of circumstance. How did it come to be?! What contributes to its being?! That is, the result and in what way?! That is true understanding… awareness of the self… to circumstances.

Because after all everything happens for a reason… what is that reason?! And what is that reason reflective of?! We are who we are, importantly, we are where we are, because of a multitude of variables within our life, throughout our life… and it really comes down to how are those variable functioning within the equation that it you?! In other words, how are you processing the circumstances of life?! The things that have happened to you, the things that are happening to you… how is it all being processed?! And is it being processed?! Are you victimizing or are owning?! Because we are in charge of the formula that makes us.

But that’s the only thing we are is control of, we are not at all in control of the reaction that comes from mixing formulas… because just like in science, the substances must be compatible to avoid explosion. And what denotes compatibility if not its functionality… the way in which its particles -variables interact within itself. Because that will affect the result of the experiment… the mixture of two substances.

And the thing is some reactions take time to unfold, they aren’t immediate… they are built up through time, unfolding with time, and as that occurs both substances react with one another based on their chemical composition. That composition controlled by us.

So basically, no one is ever a victim… if you catch what I’m saying. There is always a role played. I know definitely I played a role in my most recent circumstance, I think both were to blame, each to our own extent varying in degree. But that is what happens when you mix two substances whose fundamental structures don’t create solution… and I don’t want to say solution, but rather composition. Because all it takes is one chemical to be off… one variable not quite functioning effectively for everything to be thrown off… but the thing is if you know what is off, you can very much salvage the chemical reaction, but if you don’t… if you are so lost. Does matter what substance you mix with… or try… it won’t ever work…

Hence the importance of knowing you… knowing the equation that is you… the formula and all its variables, along with how, why and to what extent… because unless you know will anything ever be able to work. As you can’t understand someone else, if you have yet to understand yourself… and most importantly, be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend.

Because it is weak to not have it all figured out, but it is weak to pretend like you do. As perception of weakness has very ugly traits, we become defensive -self-preservation, as though we are under attack… feeling threaten, and not because we actually are, but rather because we have yet to accept. It isn’t fake, until you make it… especially with you -yourself… never mind anybody else.

For example, I said yes to dating, I was introduced to a great guy. Head on his shoulders, spoke three different languages and learning fourth, loved cooking, top in his industry, intellectual… we vibed for sure. Chatted for two-three weeks, daily, finally said yes to a date. Picked me up, had a gift bag based on conversation mentions throughout the weeks of chatting… candle, turmeric (anti-inflammatory), gummies (restless sleeps), CBD oil (sleep and pain reliever), rolled joints (busy schedule)… dinner at the top Portuguese restaurant… I mean top. This man knew, and he worked!!! hahaha… No but for real, all jokes aside, he went out of his way. Super gentleman, waited at the front door and walked me to the front door. Conversations on point, humour on point. Mindset on point. But I couldn’t… one it was too soon, my chemical composition was not solid and second, although his chemical composition was solid, it wasn’t a mixture that would solidify… and only due to my state, but to by being too.

Because even if certain variables are out of sorts, if your formula is down packed, you can still figure it out. It is having the base that’s important, and understanding and knowing it. YOU! And only once you know that, then everything else is much easier. But not everyone knows who they are… not everyone is able to be honest with themselves. Not everyone is able to catch themselves… love themselves bare and raw… and that is when explosion happens with mixing two substances…

As some molecules bound within the mixture, while others react, throw in instability… uncertainty in substance, volatile variables, of course there would be a combustion. For one substance has yet to solidify themselves… to then add another. But it happens, and that’s how time gets wasted… and wasted is not the best word, as no time is wasted, granted there is always something to learn and take away. But I mean, when one person has yet to discover, identify, accept and love themselves confidently… it can adverse effects of the outcome of circumstances.

So what I’m trying to say is I know my role, I know what and how I played, I know it didn’t help nor guide the situation… the thing is, I know my formula along with my variables, and I know my reaction to the mixture of sorts was contingent on lack of solidification of within the other. So yes, most definitely I played a role, insofar as a role needed to be played, not only to attempt solidification of the other, but to ensure I wouldn’t have been dissolved… evaporate.

And the thing it doesn’t matter who created the combustion or even who called it… it’s about who carries it through. Who doesn’t deny the incompatibility… who finally sees it all as it was, a mixture that would have never stayed bound, regardless if they appeared as though they would. Because if one is off, all is off.

So with that said, no settling. No compromising, unless comprised for… no sacrificing, unless sacrificed for… no more feeding into an illusion…

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