So let’s talk about it… as it was the year everything fell apart for many things to fall together. The beginning of the year started with the loss of a friendship and business partner, to which left the podcast up in the air. Mid year was the break up, followed by the car accident. But the end of year closes off with stability, independence and understanding…

But even though, there is understanding, there still remains the lack of closure… for the break up that is…

You see with the loss of the friendship and dissolution of the former podcast, it hit me, struck me, because I thought both of us were on the page… to an extent. I say that, because I was the one doing a lot of work, which I didn’t mind as believed we had the same vision. Funny, because as I write this, I’m realizing the lesson is very similar to that of the break up. Being that I was alluded by my own illusions. Wanting and believing so hard that I blind myself from the facts… from the very things been shown to me -from what was right in front of my face.

But the thing with the podcast, the loss of friendship, I was more upset than anything else. I felt disrespected in all the effort and time that I put in on a project with someone who I thought wanted it… again similar to the break up, but different, because it wasn’t on emotional level, but rather on a professional and personal one. One where I was pushing to excel in direction, I thought both wanted…again, super similar to the break up.

Interesting… as clearly didn’t grasp the lesson that was being shown… but I did however turn it around. I managed to rebrand and revamp the whole podcast, aligning more with who it is I am, and what it is I’m about. Personal stories, progress, motivation and inspiration, wealth and success… levelling up… which has bloomed and blossomed into so much, more than I could ever imagine. To this day, interviewing over 25 incredible human beings, that have not only provided value and knowledge, but have given a platform to which they can share it, in hopes to inspire others… which to me is everything.

And with that turn around, I got closure, as the success reassured me that fall out was for the best. For it brought so much together. But in terms of the break up, I had yet to receive that closure, now it is not the say that success hasn’t followed, because it most definitely has, but rather I have yet to come to terms. Now don’t get it twisted, as I definitely don’t miss or want it back, and I completely understand why it happened and was necessary… but it is accepting it. Accepting the fact that I alluded myself and still feeding that illusion.

The break up happened so sudden and unexpected, and happened while acting on in the heat of emotions, and those emotions weren’t wrong. They were very much rooted and valid on both sides… but it was more of a hit, as it is more intimate, more vulnerable. Deeply grounded in emotions of feeling less than, unworthy and inadequate. Whereas, the podcast wasn’t, it was feelings of levelling up and being better.

After the break up, I couldn’t help but numb. I couldn’t help but work my ass off to prove myself, prove my worth and value. I was torn down, and not because of the break up, but more so what happened prior… what led up to it. For it was months of beating me down and tearing the belief in myself for the lack of belief in themselves. And it was draining, I never worked so hard in my life. I restructured my course and finally launched it, something I’ve been too afraid to do over the 7 years of working on it, but did so because they told me ‘it wouldn’t work’ and ‘no one would listen’… all because of ‘what credentials do you have?’ … ‘you are nobody’…

It was months of that… months of lack of appreciation, demonstrations of doubt and disrespect… months of trying to hold together that which was falling apart, as cost of losing me. Believing that I could just get through this rough patch, regardless of sacrificing my happy-go-lucky self, it would be okay, we would make it through, because I would show my worth, they would see it and believe… but that wasn’t the case…

As it all happened in the midst of proving that worth, it happened in the midst of me challenging theirs… as it’s easy to breath fire on others, but now to feel the heat yourself, it’s a different story. But I mean, everyone gets to a breaking point, a point where enough is enough, and if you are going to turn up the heat on me, then you better be ready to feel it as well.

And I thought for second, that was the relationship we had, pushing each other to be better, until I realized it wasn’t… it was one-sided. The heat was only to be felt by me, because in their eyes I was weakest link, I was the one holding progress back… funny when when you think about it, as since then I have managed to give myself an online business all while stepping back into the family business and allowing my mom to retire. But yet, I was weakest link, the one to be challenged, questioned and doubted. Why?! Insecurities and incapability?!

Like I get it… I understand it, but I mean does he?! I guess that’s what really gets to me… if he knows what he lost, the potential, the effort, the work and the person. It’s as though the closure I need… the one long for, is not through the successes that came after, but rather from him. And I think because he teared me down so much, that I lost myself, I forgot who I was… I become so comfortable at discrediting my abilities so much so, that I numbed everything and got lost in working… not healing from the damage done. Chasing so hard to prove wrong.

I mean it was great to finally launch my course, an accomplishment that took far too long to come into fruition… and it was great giving my mom the opportunity to take a step back and finally just chill, knowing the business was and is being taking care of without worry… my brother the master mind and me the one to get things done. -an unstoppable team. Yet, it doesn’t seem to be enough of a validation of proving my worth… it is as though I need and want it to be recognized by him.

Not that it means much, as he has yet to do anything to change his circumstances… still living in the same story as he was before… but it is just the fact of knowing he sees it… knowing he gets it. Especially after tearing someone down who was totally worth it. I’m not trying to sound egoistical, it more of realization of doing wrong… understanding how your impositions impacted another. As it isn’t about being right or wrong, its about taking ownership… and I mean 39 years old, you would think taking responsibility… having accountability would be something within reach.

And it’s sad, sad knowing that he probably only be able to see once in a relationship that offers exactly what he needs, and nothing of what actually wants, that is, out of life… the success and wealth he so desperately yearns for but does nothing about. And it’s sad that I sit here still wanting validation from someone who is incapable of validating themselves… so much so that they require tearing one down to build themselves up. Because the only way to feel better about their insecurities and their lack is to be falsely praised, rather than challenged and pushed… which is my eyes is exactly why they are where they are…

It is as though they are stuck in that high school mentality of wanting to be the big man on campus… the one who looks good, gets all the ladies and has all the attention. But life isn’t that, in life to be the big man on campus is to do for you… is to be better and do better and not superficially but in actuality. Because it isn’t about looking cool. It isn’t being cool. It is about accomplishing… once upon a time being cool was about the lack of effort shown, but as time goes on it is about the effort made that actually makes you ‘cool’.

But hey to each their own. For it is what it is… just sucks that regardless of understanding, acceptance doesn’t always follow. Closure isn’t always had. And to be honest, it really sucks feeling as though you need it from someone who is incapable of providing it… you think I would have learned and come to terms with this, considering my father, but that’s another wound… another wound so deeply rooted in the lack of inadequacy imposed upon others.

And fuck it! Fuck all of it, because it was blessing. Just like my father, believing he was better than my mom, that he could do better and have better, inappreciative of who she was… to then only be shown that she did it without him. She picked up the pieces and made gold with everything he destroyed. So I mean… everyone opens their eyes eventually, and for those who don’t… well they continue fighting battles while looking like fools as they lost the one thing that would had held it all together, giving them everything that they wanted at the cost of someone else…

So I am thankful, regardless of the receipt realization. I sit here with the reality of the very stability that I thought I had, that I fact have, but not because of them… but because of me. The stability and peace I desperately longed for and appropriated to someone else, I gave to myself. I sit here with my blessings, not having to share them with someone who is unworthy. I say that because I managed to do so much for myself after it all…

For goodness sakes I managed to reward myself in many ways, something I would have never done if with them, and not because they wouldn’t let but rather because the state of mind was different. Rewards were to be felt by both… had by both, regardless of their superficial and materialistic nature of being. So it feels good knowing I didn’t have to share rewards…

Because lords know he would have had a wonderful time driving my new car after the accident . BMW X3 M-class series in comparison to my ‘shameful’ Kia, as we all know… having a brand is much better. It illustrates success. And it does but it depends on the person… you see the only reason why I bought that car for myself, is because I never spoil myself, I work and work. Bank my money as I’ve learned the hard way. And so, the car accident allowed me to do something nice for myself as I wouldn’t have otherwise done. And to be share that with someone who wouldn’t been appreciative, but rather entitled in nature, would have tainted the whole experience of independence. Not to mention devaluing the moment all together.

And so yes, many things fell apart, but so many things fall together. And I guess that is the beauty of seeing everything in retrospect. It is in seeing how it is they have allowed for so much to come together, because yes the fall out hurts, the lack of closure hits deeply… but the ability to count blessings after, makes it all worth it, regardless if you have yet to accept it…

Because it’s more about the fear factor… the fear of giving someone everything… someone all of you, when they aren’t ready to receive and as themselves aren’t there yet… it’s more about sharing your energy with those worthy of receiving and appreciating…

So it is time to build, as the foundation has now been set. And should illusions come to alluded me, I will not fall as quickly as I once did… for peace and stability have been found and unless one is to be of bonus, there is no reason for space to be made… as there once was…

As I won’t ever allow myself to forget who I am… most importantly, I won’t ever give more than then which is being appreciated, valued and reciprocated.

So goodbye 2021 and hello 2022…

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