I sit here writing this December 30st, 2021… thinking to myself how now I finally see it. For I always knew I feeding into an illusion, and I believed to be one of external factors. I believe it to be one of nature, when really it was one of nurture.

I say this because stability, peace and comfort isn’t much of what grew up with… life was always rollercoaster, there was always some kind of battle to be fought, and as the family that we were we always fought together, even when it was with one and other and against each other… it isn’t exactly a harmouis life. So much behind the curtain that goes unseen, unravelling in ways that does… all while indirectly influencing life circumstances. And only for one, but for all.

Because life is a roll of dominos lined-up ready for the hit… the thing is the hit continues, it never stopped. It just goes… and when you think you got back up and won. It strikes again. Never a still moment. Always a battle.

It’s funny, because from outside it always looks so great… but no one ever knows how alone you really feel. For you spent so time avoiding it, running and numbing it… because you don’t want to talk about it. Because it fucking sucks.. and to be honest no one will ever get it…

Why?! Because they see the money, they see the appearance, the vacations and cars… clothes and everything nice… but they don’t know, they have no idea… thinking its been all wonderful. And it has, because I’m grateful person, but it doesn’t come without a cost… believe me when I say that…

There is always some sort of sacrifice… for our family it was home.

And that’s something I regard at the most -safe zone. Peace and stability. Something I never had. And I thought you were it…. I thought he was it. My home. Away from the chaos that is my life… I thought he was it. But he wasn’t. And I sit here with tears rolling down my face as I write this, because it’s finally my closure..

My realization… my shedding of 2021… as it wasn’t so much of the external image of it all, as much as it was the internal. As illusion was that I felt safe… when I never was…

A feeling all to real, which is why it’s so hard to let go…

Because they were trusted, when they were never to be trusted…

They were never the sanctuary, I thought they were… they weren’t safe haven.

You know that place that they get you, understand you, there for you, not there to judge you and doubt you… but rather that place, where they uplift you and honour you… loving you for all that you are, mistakes and all… because they are right there with you… that place you can be vulnerable without judgement… peace without chaos… a place I never had.

And I guess that is why I retreated in more ways than one, part of me felt so violated… so exposed… and I got lost in work, until I wasn’t. Because all was done and I finally had the time to sit and think… to not avoid the process of it all. My soul… scratch that -my heart…

You know what it is like to so broken-hearted by the one man that is never to break your heart?! It’s a hard pill swallow… to be deceived in so many ways and completely disregarded… a man to have so much vengeance that doesn’t care what he destroys, even if it’s his children. So narcissistic and ruthless… without reason… it makes closing your heart so easy. Second nature after 30 years…

So let someone in thinking they are finally your safe haven… your peace… your home…. and ironically, they end up being exact opposite… instead being, the home I was raised. Judgmental, narcissistic, loving on their happiness, projecting on their weakness… and of course not to the same extent, but eventually… it would eat away at me, the way it ate away my mom. Constantly dealing and never speaking… just accepting it as it is.

So I guess, that’s why I retreated in more ways then one. I needed to find my safe haven… my sanctuary, the one I had before I let someone in thinking they were it…

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