So much is finally unrevealing… it’s almost as though after the 6-7 month hustle, I needed the time to slow down, take a moment and take it all in. But only now, is it all being awakened, but on a much deeper level. At first it was my body that needed the rest, my mind that needed the break and soul that needed the comfort… and now it’s my heart that needs the healing.
The vary thing I so desperately avoid… it’s been life, hiding my feelings… putting on faces… so good at concealing, because why bother when you aren’t going to be heard. What’s the point, when someone is unwilling to hear you… and I mean truly hear you… understand you. Most importantly, why explain it?! Why go through the trouble… It is already so much work to deal with it, nevermind adding people to it… it’s like, just deal with it.
Something I do far too easy, being such a positive person I find happiness is almost every situation, I look for the good and avoid bad. Simply because life has taught me that it’s only way to survive. You just have to deal. Speak your mind, but deal. The question is… why do you stop dealing?!
I visited my brother today, it’s been awhile.. awhile since I’ve actually been with him. The last few times it’s been stop and go, and winter doesn’t help, because I can’t exactly just chill… and part of me was avoiding. But today, today for some reason it hit… maybe because I was triggered, by the fact that I had to put on face in an hour or maybe because it was the time.
But it came out, I sat there talking for 45 mins… crying in my car, because that’s the new thing now… but there I was, torn. Because over it. I really over it. I’m over sacrificing myself, I’m over neglecting myself, discrediting and disregarding myself… I am over giving myself, offering myself and being giving the short end of the stick. Disregarded and unappreciated… invalidated.
And there it is childhood trauma creeping in… and that’s what kills me.. is those wounds have been healed, were healed… until they aren’t. Until they were poked… scars cut opened with a knife so sharp, a bandit can’t even stop the bleeding. And they knew your weakness, you told them, and it was their job to keep you safe from it, as it was what you trusted them with, as they did you. And all while keeping your end up, while they never kept theirs…
You trusted them with those wounds to only have them split them opened, right after you closed them… so I mean when do you stop dealing?! Because I’m tired. I really tired… I’ve worked so hard, done so much, changed my life around… and it really doesn’t seem to be enough. Because just when I thought it was, it wasn’t…
And that fucking sucks… it fucking sucks. I’m used to losing, I’m used to everything going wrong, making wrong decisions… in other words, I’m used to setting myself back, but this time… I really thought I had it… I really thought I was being reimbursed… and I mean the red flags were there, and I know it wouldn’t have worked long terms, in terms of happiness, resentment would have been built, but I mean, for once I thought I had it.
I had it down pack in the bag… one of the few things I wanted to solidify for my future.. done and good to go. But no, not the case… and it sucks, after all the work and all the effort that was put in, not only into the relationship, but into me prior. I mean, I was good before I met him, so good… gravy. So when we met, or rather when it all happened, it fed in to being a blessing, and it was in ways, because I wouldn’t be or have accomplished what I have and had, but I really thought it was more than just temporary.
And as I said the flags were there, but I was willing to sacrifice… and the fact that, I thought… alluded myself into thinking they were too… kills me. Because this time it wasn’t something out in the open, something seen for all to bare witness, it was something hidden, disguised until revealed with time… and by that time so much have be invested, in more ways than one. So what to you do.. you deal with it.
Which eventually crashes down on you… a vicious cycle, that I thought I partially escaped to only fall back in.