Here I am… lost, once again. And I hate it. Because I was found, until a world wind of bullshit happened. And the thing is maybe I wasn’t found, maybe I was lost the whole time just trying to find myself in it all, to only be blinded sighted and tested. I mean… after all that’s life…

And it sucks… it fucking sucks balls.

I’ve felt lost my whole life, and I finally thought I was found, to only be left high and dry. For it has shattered me, my whole being, constricted and shut down for others… my whole life has been about others… dealing with their shit, handling their shit… and the thing is they will tell you it wasn’t… they will say it was all me.

And it was… for I was the one to allow it. I was the one to deal with it… all without them knowing. Concealing. As I have always been so good at dealing… putting a smile on my face and playing the part, until the part is too much to bear. And it sucks, it sucks being so good at hiding… it sucks being so good at just dealing and concealing.

But the thing is I’m over it, I’m tired… I feel defeated and let down.

I’m such a positive person, always looking at the good, that I blind myself from the bad. I accept and accept because that’s what my life has taught me… it’s shown no other way. Which is great.. but it’s terrible at the same time, because I don’t actually stand for myself… I stand for others, I serve others, I fulfill others… and me, well I’m put on the back burner.

And for once, I want to be on the first burner…and it seems that I won’t ever be. It’s as though, I try and try, I learn and learn, do better… but there are still so many lessons to be learn that the rewards are delayed… And I’m okay with that, but I mean… at least give me a bone…

I’m breaking, giving myself and receiving nothing… my confidence is torn… shattered. Because all my love has been given away. I honestly feel like I don’t even know who I am, and I have no one… but to be honest, it really doesn’t matter, because we’re always in it alone. A lesson I learned a long time ago, I guess that’s why I enjoy my company so much, but that’s a whole other can of worms. But what I mean is no one is looking back to you brushing your teeth… when you look in the mirror, when you do you, it’s you and only you. Emotions and feelings… no one ever truly understands. They can try, but they’ll never really get it. Because all is relative and all is based on the responsiveness of reception. And that’s fine, the point isn’t in knowing, it is in trying to understand it…

Sad story is no one seems to wants to understand, because everyone thinks they know. We are all so entitled and so caught up in ego and pride… being right and knowing everything that we don’t even give an opportunity to even try and understand an alternative perspective, we just think we know…

But I mean we never really know, you can tell me how much it hurt to lose a family member, and whether or not I’ve lost a family member, I can’t ever truly know how you felt. Even if you tell me, I could conceptualize it, and I can’t ever know for certain, if what I conceptualize is in fact what you felt. So we can only ever grasp how someone feels, and that’s only if we actually take the time. And the only way to get as close as possible is to account for all variables, all things that could have played role… but the thing is very few are that deep… or even that enlightened

So honestly… I really tired, I’m exhausted of being misunderstood… I’m exhausted of being put down… drained from filling everyones cup but mine…

I’m done in way I never thought I would be… I feel so empty… my soul ripped away from me… as so much has been taken throughout the years… and it’s at a point where it’s one.. two hits too many in short span of time, coming from differing directions, when all should be grown… I mean once you pass 25-30 the politics should stop… so clearly there is a lesson here… stand your ground.

I mean peace and namaste. If it isn’t building something, if it isn’t making you happy, if it isn’t making you better… then out it goes. Most importantly, ownership and accountability. Meaning if you are unhappy, if you aren’t good where you are, it’s no one fault but your own… don’t put that shit on anyone. Don’t put others down, bully them and blame them.

Because only you have been living your life, no one else. Only you have made the decisions and choices you made, no one else. Choice or no choice is still a choice. Decisions or no decision is still a decision. And this goes all back to being alone. We are always alone, and only we can live our lives, no one else. And the sooner we realize that the greater the power we hold. As we are the ones in control, but if all we do is defer, then eventually it all catches up.

Because it really doesn’t matter who you are, what you accomplish, what you have or even what you don’t… if you can’t deal with you… if you can’t face your truth… that it’s you and only you… you will won’t ever be free and you will rag others with you… especially those sith hearts willing to understand…

Funny thing is… I knew I would get here, I knew this would happen, it’s been the same story, for all I can remember… the worst part is it always comes from those who you expect to never drain… those sworn to keep you safe… those who vow their love to you…

To then only take advantage… devalue and take for granted, but it’s as though they know, they know they will do, you will never let them down and always pull through. But I’m done pulling through, I’m so done. And so I’m done, because this is the lesson to be learned. Stand for you!

If someone can’t appreciate the offerings that you bring, they are unworthy of them. If someone can’t take accountability and onwership, they don’t deserve access. And if someone can’t push pass their demons, without bringing you to hell, they must fight them alone.

So that’s the lesson… value for value. Black and white. No grey area. What is given is what is offered. All with love. But no more allowing… no more being the punching bag and concealing… because I’ve been low… lower than low and I’ve never dragged others with me, disrespecting and mistreating… if anything, I’ve done it more to myself than anyone else… and here I’ve been allowing others to do it to me.

Double whammy. Because not only do I beat myself down, I allow others… and that’s on me. I taught them how to treat me through how I treat me, failing to see how I treat them is really treating me… self-sacrifice. But again… too deep for most.

So I’m done. I’m out. As I was good until all was promised and nothing was delivered. So check mate because I will no longer be a fool…

And most importantly, if you’re going through something talk to someone who been to some things… haha… because chances are they can see more perspectives, encounter closer truths and better understanding… they are more enlightened by their ‘failures’ and ‘wrongs’ than others are with their successes and accomplishments. As there is more to learn from errors than all else. For that is where certainty and strength is built, whereas successes and accomplishment build ego and pride… unenlightened by means of lack of experience.

For I rather take advice from one who has failed than one who hasn’t… as they have yet to discover weakness. And there is always weakness, so building without knowing isn’t wise. For would you build a 50-storey without first concerning what would take it down, or would you just build believing its strength?!

For there is more value in weakness than strength… for how is it that any enemy comes to conquer?! They don’t build on strength, they build on weakness. Hence why those closest are those that hurt you the most… as they know where the faults reside. The question is do you?!

So yeah… I discovered another one, one that’s a strength but also a weakness… and so we only live for us or we don’t?! We either accept or we won’t?!

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