So massive breakthrough… I’ve been diving deep. Getting back to myself, and when I say that I mean internally. Reconnecting, rewiring, and restructuring. It hasn’t been easy -unbalanced, the mixture of stillness and ego. A world wind of emotions -chaos. And as I grapple at it, more and more comes to me.
Recently, or rather for the last 2-3 months I’ve gotten myself back into meditation. Which is honestly everything. There is nothing like stillness. I’m a person that is always on the move, doing, doing, doing. And over the past couple of years, my dreams and the life I want has been my focus. And yes, I’ve taken wrong turns, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop. I will do whatever it takes.
But with that came a lot of masculine energy, which doesn’t surprise me as that’s really all I’ve grown up in. Get it. Do it. Figure it out. Which has caused me to be a bit unforgiving in certain instances, not only to myself but to others. And not all the time, only at the times it becomes a thing and only when there is a connection.
Meaning if a certain level of relationship has been established, then a certain level of respect within that relationship should be upheld. It’s not to say you expect it to be upheld. But rather, you built it on it being upheld. In the sense that relationship dynamics have been made and understood.
And so with business, I expect my guys to show up, do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Plain and simple. Black and white. Very masculine.
Now the thing is when it comes to relationships (intimate relationships)… it’s a different story. I’m very much in my feminine energy. Especially if I feel as though I can be… I’m safe and secure. And so, as I grow and come to learn about divine feminine… surrender, support, nurture, vulnerability, trust… all these things. Do I come to see why it is that this last one was a hard one.
Because I sat in my divine feminine, surrendering and trusting, that someone had my back. Until I realized they didn’t. And that’s when the masculine came in. Having to stand my ground. Because I was no longer safe. Emotionally speaking. And that’s fucked up.
But it is what it is. Self-preservation. Which can essentially go both ways, for it can lead to sabotage or it can lead to actual preservation. Hence why walking off was quick. Because who stays if they know they are going to be murdered…. you run. If a killer is in the house, you run. haha… I joke, but it wasn’t easy.
Like actually imagine… being home and someone coming in to get to you. And whether they succeed or not, how you ever feel safe in that home?! And let’s say that they didn’t succeed, and keep trying, how would it feel to going back?! Most importantly, how likely are you able to walk away from that house when it’s burning?! I mean… it’s almost as though you’re relieved. It sucks. The memories and the history, but the pain… the scares… worries and discomfort. The safe haven that home brought you is no longer.
Because after each and every attempt at a break in, builds and builds the fear… and with fear comes defence. And no one should have to ever defend themselves in a relationship. No one should ever have to prove and fight. It should be reciprocity -duality, balance. Understanding. It should never feel like you have to save yourself.
And here is the breakthrough, I think this is the one and only time I actually stood in my divine feminine. Truly and wholly. Where I actually felt, I had someone who had me. There has been only one other relationship I ever felt like that, and it was 15 years ago… I was 16 and it lasted 6 years, 4 straight, 2 on and off. And I mean what do we know at 16, we never experienced heartbreak. And that was my first heartbreak and since then, my divine feminine was kept under wraps.
It’s crazy when I think about it, for 15 years, I haven’t been in a relationship, or rather, felt comfortable enough to let my guard down… fully and wholly. And I was engaged at one point, and not even then. And I’m not saying I’ve never felt safe, I’m saying I’ve never been able to actually breathe… to rest my head on someone’s shoulder or trust that I could. Trust that they would act as I would.
15 years… And I think that’s what killed me.
Anywho, that’s my breakthrough… this whole divine feminine thing is new to me. And as much as it sucks dealing with heartbreak, especially after keeping yourself so guarded for so long, it’s beautiful knowing why the heartache was a lot to bare.
So the lesson learned here is… embrace my feminine, don’t resist it. Though it led to heartache there is beauty in it, it is powerful, always protect it as all costs, but grant it permission to be available. Give it and allow it, but don’t take from it. Because being in your feminine grants openness. And there is beauty in that.
Yes, it leaves you open to heartache, but it also allows you to fully give yourself. And that is incredible.
And maybe if I had I understood that prior I would have been better equipped for impact, as I probably would practiced standing in my feminine more… embracing her power and not taking it as weakness. As I probably wouldn’t have stood in my masculine for 15 years. But then again, my father bought on a whole set of other issues, and business doesn’t ever thrive on the feminine…
So it isn’t just on an intimate level, as it is overall state of my being, or rather upbringing. Regardless, if I had understood the strength of the feminine… it wouldn’t have been such a shock treatment. But it’s okay that it was, because in the end I still came to know what needed to be known.
And, I love that! I can only imagine what the next chapter brings…