Lately, I’ve been very much consumed. Caught up in uncovering and rediscovering my pain… my trauma. Very much going back to further understand who and why I am, especially now in that I’ve been having so many awakenings… realizations and just setting things into practice. Putting everything into awareness and into action. Finally, stepping in… to me. Without the extra. Without the baggage.
This last relationship really put me on a world wind of self discovery. A spiral into the soul… the mind and spirit. I had me retrospecting for so many reasons. I questioned myself so much… as much as work had been done, and yet it didn’t seem to be enough for a happy ending. I mean that in direction of the universe. I’ve grown so much from who I used to be.
I was recklessness, numb… a menace to myself and indirectly hurting those around me as I hurt myself. Making all the wrong decisions. All the ones you shouldn’t make. And never with bad intention, it was more along the lines of no intention at all. Careless in a way. No malice, just escape. Do what feels good. Sadness… misery is so tragic, so draining. Who wants it?!
Pain had been a big part of my upbringing, that I just avoided dealing with it. Silence… ha funny, generational trauma -cultural beliefs… the path of least resistance, the avoidance of a narcissist -peace. Just peace. And search for peace had always been in the wrong places, it was everywhere else but me… it was in everything else but me. Because I avoided so much, I held so much in. I said a lot, yes. But I felt a lot more. And none of what I felt was ever truly understood, and so I either shut down or completely disregarded.
And sometimes I would explode, because I never dealt with it and when it would come out… it would be an explosion of everything that’s been shallowed. And at that point, nothing was ever heard. Just a bundle of emotions, so regardless if I had reason, the reason was lost. More pain, further avoidance. Very much alone. Smiles on the outside, numb on the inside.
Too much to process. But the past twelve years I’ve been slowly processing it all and last four years have been quite a rollercoaster. Learning and truly implementing. The pain, hurt… abuse, loss… the feeling of emptiness. Loneliness. Misunderstanding. Insignificance. No longer hurting myself by remaining silent. As justice only seemed to knock on my door and no one else. And I don’t mean that in a good way. I mean that, always getting shitty end of the stick.
Because yes, I made bad choices and decisions, but I only and ever hurt myself. And for that, it only gave ammo of those around me to only and ever hurt me, not themselves. I was the escape goat. The punching bag, simply because I was the fuck up. It was easy to blame me. Target me. I was distant and emotional. And as I much as this was what it was, it’s a story. A story I lived out of for so long, it imposed so many self-limiting beliefs. Worthless. Meaningless. Useless. Failure. It goes on…
It also so created many false beliefs, one being that emotions and feelings are bad. Any expression of them was extra… When really they aren’t extra, they are expressions, neither good or bad. They just are. And having them makes you human. To be ashamed of them?! For what?! Why?! As though, if you felt anything and expressed was some kind of problem. How dare you feel a way?! But that is a whole other can of worms…
The point is that, all this realization of everything that has happened to my life up to date… the acceptance of self, feelings and all. The closure to all that has occurred, and most importantly, the understanding as to why it has all happened as it did. Just so many awakenings. So many self confrontations, real ownership and acknowledgement of my role in it all. As much as I was a victim of many things, I also made myself the victim… I allowed myself to be such at times, which created a lot of other baggage I didn’t need.
But aside from all that, all this work, this gaining of perspective along with actionable direction. I would have thought I had been finally given the pass to the next stage. The next chapter, so it was very much a shock as to what else needs to be seen. And that, that spiralled all the way down to so many different avenues that it allowed me to really discover where so much of it all started… the illusions… the pain buried.
Because as much as it started day one, the pivotal point was seeing that day one wasn’t the start… it is all much deeper than that…
For healing never stops, as it doesn’t end with you… it starts with you… it’s generational. And being the only one who sees that, acknowledges that… it’s lonely. I mean, I’ve always felt alone as mentioned prior, but now even more so simply because of the realizations. The knowledge. The enlightenment. It isn’t sad, it just is what it is. To be honest it’s bless. Because yes it sucks not being able to share these moments, it’s a blessing to be even able to have these moments. And furthermore, it would suck even more to share them with someone who was or is incapable of receiving them.
And I guess that’s a lot of why I’ve distanced myself, as it’s much better to sit in excitement with self unable to share, then it is to share excitement with those that deny self. I’ve dealt with enough rejection, not only from others but from myself, so… why bother with those uninterested of actuality?! Inclusion of narrow-mindedness never gave anyone openness, but rather the opposite.
So I actually feel super blessed, in-tune and aligned. Because though I’m healing that which isn’t ‘mine’, I’m very much healing that which is… paving the way for what will be. Bless be my children and my future generations, as they won’t have to carry my trauma nor that of my ancestors. And that is beauty. Incredible and amazing things happen when we look in the mirror and dive deep…