It’s been a while, a whole ton shifts have taken place. Complete redirection and alignment, fall offs and replacements, everything just adjusting for this next chapter. Trials and tribulations. But all for the bigger picture… the grand scheme of things. It’s been rocky waters but all for calmer ones. The reestablishing of it all. It’s been challenging as it required diving deep and shedding layers, cleaning house -the foundation of our belief system, which essentially is built around trauma… or better yet generational trauma.
The feeling of why you must be married by a certain age? Why you think education is admirable? Or why you correlate success with money? Happiness being a good life? And what is a good life? What is success? Of that life has to look this or that way? All these answers are contingent on what you believe to be true, which most likely is based on what our parents instilled upon us. Creating a belief system on false narratives, outdated and inapplicable in our current lifetime.
Times have changed, things have shifted and the world has grown in a multitude of ways. So to live from those beliefs when good 95% aren’t even your actual beliefs, they were handed down to you. And the thing is, majority of us don’t even question them, we carry them as though they are our own. We allow them to consume us, and when we don’t match those beliefs we shame ourselves, creating internal conflict -more trauma. A never-ending cycle passed down from generation to generation. Until someone says ‘f*ck that shit’, and is labelled as the crazy person for speaking out on all of it.
And that my friends is ME!!! I refuse to be a part of that which I didn’t create. I refuse to believe that I must undeniably obey without question. For if something is undoubtedly true, then it would not be threaten when challenged. As scientist doesn’t get mad when asked to prove his hypothesis, if he in fact has proven its validity. Only when one is uncertain do they feel threaten when questioned. And yet, so many of us stand by these beliefs, threaten and not even the slightest bit interested on the foundation which they rest on. Blindly following the masses -sheep.
The best part is most wonder why they are unhappy… unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Failing to realize that they neglected themselves. They didn’t give themselves the opportunity to know themselves, see what it is they truly value, what they want, what actually matters… instead they followed the herd to only be led to a well that’s dry and unfruitful. On a soul level. To which some are fine with, as they operate on the surface, but deep down whether they choose to admit it or not there is piece missing. And that is what makes all the difference.
Because here is the thing, if you aren’t whole, you will deteriorate slowly. You might reach success -money, luxury, fortune… but you will crumble at some point. Things will start caving in, unfilled void yearning to be filled. Hence mid-life crisis. And so if we don’t figure out what it all means to us, what it is we actually believe and understand what it is we can create… our soul will always be in search of something jeopardizing everything. And that isn’t a risk I’m willing to take, especially after all the work I’ve done. Both internally and externally.
And so, that’s what it’s been for me. The past year has really challenged me in more ways than one. It’s shaken things up to the point that I didn’t have a choice but to question everything. Forced to look into all that was hidden and instilled in my being. It required me to put myself on the chopping block. Take true ownership of what I was allowing so that I could begin to create, or better yet what the universe has allowed me to create. The plan that it has for me. As it has literally re-organized my life for success, both internally and externally.
And the beautiful thing is, the external only came to match the internal once I committed to the work -surrendered to the process and accepted the journey. And so, I had to shut out. Step back. Withdraw to truly understand and connect. It’s like a newborn, you don’t take it out into the world until its immune system has somewhat developed. It’s raw, susceptible to infection.. disease. So, I worked in silence. Healed my wounds, both personal and generational, recalibrated my foundation so that moving forward I’m stronger than ever. And let me tell you, the universe matched that and then some hahaha…
Crazy… as there is are still a few loose ends and some aftermath resolving. But I’m not worried, as I know that the trials and tribulations have prepared me for this next chapter… never mind… this next book. Because when I say life has literally reconfigured, I mean life is unrecognizable. Battles are still present, but present with the faith that it’s all good. For I might be called to the battlefield, but now I got weapons… I have ammo. And for me, that’s everything.
As I’ve lived my life on the battlefield, but never had armour. A means to protect and stand for myself. I was strong, but only insofar as I stood up to only get knocked down -weak, taking hit after hit, barely surviving. Just enough to breath… and how I always saw it was ‘hey at least I’m breathing, I mean who cares if my arm was just blew off, we good’… haha… to then get capped in the knees… it’s been World War III for thirty-three years I’ve lived without even a weapon to defend myself. No ground to actually stand on but rather only dependent upon the shield of another… and that’s if they shielded me… to then only be prosecuted for it. Life as the escape goat wanting so desperately to escape the camp which captured it.
It’s a battle, but once you realize how it is you’ve been feeding into that dynamic are you able to truly let go. Because here is the thing, as much as I required armour to protect me, there was a desire to protect -ego driven. So rather than arming me with weapons, I was left to be saved… feeding into the upper hand of it all. For you can’t call yourself a hero unless there is a victim, and what better way to make yourself a hero than to create a victim that needs saving. Furthermore, what better way to avoid accountability when there is already someone in place to blame. A cycle. So as much as I may have needed, I was needed more than I needed. Because without my role, it all dissolves.
As you are no longer a hero without a victim to save. No longer without fault when there is no one to take the blame. That is the beauty of removing yourself, as you allow the truth to unfold in a way that flips the script. Shining a light on all that’s kept in the dark, that which was refused to be acknowledged. And so, only when you take the time to understand the role of yourself are you able to understand the role that others need you to play for their own story. And that is, where all the power lies.
As truth never needs convincing, yet we feed into these cycles to never question what we are being convinced of… thought to be true… made to believe. And it creates a ton of self limiting beliefs, modes in which we sabotage ourselves, as we live a narrative we never created. Acting in reference rather than with knowledge of… to afraid to stand up or better yet, tired of fighting. But once you withdraw…
GAME CHANGER. Because rather than feeding into the narrative, you now control it… the beauty of being underestimated. And the best part is not taking revenge… not being vengeful and bitter, wishing bad or any of that. But rather being empathic, because you know they will be the destruction of themselves. As they required you for their narrative to be true, a narrative which positively benefitted them, but negatively affected you. So without you, where does that narrative go?! No where. But you on the other hand, released that which is negative… and therefore growth is inevitable.
And that my friends is a beautiful thing… but I must say I don’t wish my path upon anyone. It’s not easy being on the battlefield with inconsistent team members, thriving on your downfalls, utilizing them to their advantage… scolding you to their benefit… abandoning you to only capitalize on their ‘heroism’… envious of your ability to rise above… to then to be scrutinized for your isolation from them… then judged by the facade of wealth as ‘life is easy’ … hahaha I wish. If only…
If fucking only… because I must say, as much I despite the dynamic that has been breed throughout the years, it’s made me work harder than ever to be the person I am today… where I am today… granted that, without any of it, I would have been a sheep following the herd. Doomed for inevitable failure, living in the matrix of it all. So thank goodness I am not, because I much rather be lion, who stands alone than one lost in the herd… one that knows the power of their roar…
So now it’s my time… let the pieces fall where they may for there is no doubt in my mind that the setup won’t lead to something great…
[…] that we live by, but didn’t create. This is something I wrote about in a previous article, Generational Game Changer, the noting of what is ours and what isn’t. Most importantly, how we feed into all of it, […]