Daddy Issues

I wish I could scrap the memory of you,
I wish didn’t think of you,
Feel for you,
Cared for you,
Never thought of you.

I wish,
The day you left,
Was the last,
Of interaction,
Of your presence,
Your being in my life.
I wish,
It was the last time,
I thought of you,
The last time,
We would cross paths.

I sit here,
Wondering,
Wondering if you realize,
Realize what you lost,
What you threw away.
As though,
It was nothing,
We were nothing,
I was nothing.

For I was once the apple of your eye,
And now I’m a distance memory.
A memory you claim not to have,
One that you deny.
Yet conveniently remember,
But only,
And only when,
It is to your advantage.

For now I see,
That I am means to an end,
For you,
For we all were,
So unfortunate how you played your cards,
For you could have had everything,
But choose nothing.

Abandoning in all that was built,
For what?!
Pride,
Praise,
Glory,
For what?!

Abandoning,
At the thought of something different,
Something more,
Yet,
Receiving everything but.

I ask myself,
How is it you sleep at night?
For you claim,
You have lived in treachous,
Horrendous,
Conditions of life.
Yet,
From what I know,
From what I remember,
From what I lived,
You were the one who caused such treachery,
Instilled so much fear,
Horror,
In our lives,
In my life.

And yet,
You were the one who was suppose to protect,
Protect us,
Protect me,
From all of that.

So, tell me…

Tell me how one should feel?!

Tell me how one should act?!

For you abandon us,
In me,
All for selfish reasons.

Now tell me,
What am I to expect from the outside world?
When all you have taught me,
All you have shown me,
All you have treated me as,
Is the vary thing you claimed to protect me from.

So,
I ask again,
What am I to expect from the outside world?

Because all I know now,
Is I am to protect myself,
For no one is to be trusted.

So, tell me,
Is that I life to live?!

Carina RemiLeave a comment

Is It Love?!

When I close my eyes,
I think of you,
I see your face.
Part of me wishes I didn’t,
Didn’t think about you.
Trust me.
I tried,
Tried so hard,
So hard not to think of you,
But it doesn’t to work,
Because the moment I close my eyes,
All I see is your face.
The thing is,
Why think about someone,
Someone,
Who doesn’t think about you?!
Why care for someone,
Someone,
Who doesn’t care about you?!
More importantly,
Why feel for someone,
Who doesn’t feel for you?!

Interesting though,
For I note the conflict,
See the inconsitency,
The logic and reasoning.
But,
There is just something,
Something about the whole situation,
Something about you.
I haven’t pinpointed it yet,
No idea what it is,
All I know is,
I just can’t get it out of my mind.
Can’t you out of my mind.

There is just something.
Is it love?
Or it is,
Resistance?
Insecurity?
Defeat?
Weakness?
Inacceptance?
No idea,
But there is something.
Is it the inability to let go,
The inability to see things as they are?
Accept things as they are?
That is,
The inability to accept that which it is,
And that which was…

For was I just a time passer?
A filler?
Something in which you pursed without genuine intention?
Or should I say,
No intention at all?!
So many questions?
Or should I say inquires?

For all I know for certain,
Is that I think of you,
More often than not,
More than I would like.
And,
In all honesty,
I don’t know what to do.
Because,
I have tried,
Tried to let go,
But its impossible.
Because though,
I may consciously block you,
The thoughts of you,
You seem to always appear.
Subconsciously,
In my dreams.

For the minute I close my eyes,
I see your face.
Almost as though it haunts me,
A reminder of that which will never happen.
And,
It seems as though,
You will forever be present in my mind,
So, is it love?
Or is it just the inability to let go?
All I know is,
When I close my eyes,
All I see is you…

Carina RemiLeave a comment

Unspoken Words

There was no one else,
Never was,
Always you,
Only you,
And, not that there is anyone else now.

But, it seems as though,
You never understood that.
As though, you didn’t want to believe it,
Perhaps it was your own fears,
Perhaps it didn’t even faze you.
But, I would hope to think it did,
I hope to think that you thought twice in the face of doubt.
Seeing the truth my eyes and feeling in my soul.

I hope to think that I meant as much to you,
As you meant to me.
But, I’ll never know.
For you will never lower our pride,
Never share your deepest of feelings and desires.

And, I can’t blame you, 
I can only accept you.
Accept you as you are, 
Rather than as I envision you to be.
For I created a false image of you,
Thinking you were something more,
Than that which you are.
And, you’re not.

You’re you.
And, for some reason,
Regardless of it all,
I still care,
And, I can’t let go.

Carina RemiLeave a comment