It Could Be Worse

For the last two months I have been battling a skin reaction. It has been terrible, some days better than others, and some days I just wish I could rip off my skin. At times, contemplating death, it is that bad. And, for me to say that takes a lot, as I have a huge pain tolerance, and usually laugh at any sign of injury, even if it is me who is injured.

I have literally blown off the side of my foot due to a pressure-water, and walked away laughing and limping at the incident, while co-workers pointed out the exposed flesh and blood bath in my shoe. That’s just me! I hurt myself all the time, and growing up with a brother, you are the doll… it is WWF! I don’t know how many times I was Chokeslam or Jackhammered, but it happened. There were times my brother would flip me, turning me in all sort of directions, wrestling me, when really I had no idea what the fuck was happening I would just go with that, and there were time I would get injured. One time, he flipped me so hard that my knee hit my nose and I started bleeding, I didn’t cry… I actually laughed but, my brother’s immediate reaction was ‘shhhhh, don’t say anything… you’re okay’, so I went to my room, cleaned the blood and stopped the bleeding; and, when asked, nothing happened I was jumping and hurt myself I’m okay. And, I was. So, pain isn’t much, so if and when I ever ‘complain’, so to say, it is because it’s something significant.

And, to be honest I actually enjoy pain, it feels good. It’s such a release. All my tattoos were done during a moment of much needed release, and it was… a release. Maybe, I’m a freak, but I laugh at pain. It’s enjoyable to me. But, of course, there is a theshold. There is a limitation, a point in which you can no longer tolerate.

The first time I ever had a moment where I couldn’t tolerate the pain, I mean unbearable pain, was when I found out I had a tumor in my brain, one that doctors won’t dare to touch unless life threatening during to its position, and even then I won’t trust them touching it… so, it is still very much present and it definitely affects me every now again… it’s just a matter of keeping an eye on it, so it doesn’t grow, but that is a whole other story. But, let’s talk about the most recent, my skin reaction.

So, for the past two months I have been battling a terrible skin reaction. It has been non-stop itching, leaving me restless, exhausted and frustrated; especially because I am starting a new journey. I have been sleeping in bathtubs filled with water, putting aloe vera on my skin at least 4 times a day and intensifying my healthy lifestyle to overcome the current struggle that is my life. And believe me it is been horrific, yes it’s wonderful living by the beach, but it isn’t everything. Health is everything.

But regardless of the struggle, the suffering and everything else that comes with it, it has taught me a lot… shown me a lot. For things could be worse, so be grateful that they aren’t. And, I know that is easier said than done. But, listen for the last two months, I have went from one extreme to other, out and everywhere to indoors and nowhere; and, it has taken a toll on me. Not only due to the lack of interaction with the outside world, but due to repercussions. Not only am I unable to concentrate, but I’m unable to live; especially, when I am in the midst of making a career out of writing. And, itis most definitely takes a lot to accept.

So, given the obstacles, it can be easy for one to be ungrateful, feeding into negatively. But, if there is anything this situation has taught me is that it is easy to become ungrateful witin just a days activities.. so to say, one grows more ungrateful as the day progresses. But, here is it thing it could be worse.

Yes, whatever you are going through right now might be one of the hardest things ever, but in a few years you will look bad and laugh. In addition, what you are going through could be much worst, so bad that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, you push and continuing pushing.

And, It’s not going to lie, it’s hard, but it’s a choice. And, yes, there are time where you feel shitty, worthless and unproductive… and if you are anything like me, you just want to keep going, even when you can;’t, but you push anyway. But, it doesn’t change the fcat that it pains you, that you impacts you in ways that very few notice.

Everyday is a battle, a struggle… but, it could be worst, regardless of how you feel right now it could most definitely be worst. And, as the day goes on and the battles of life that we are dealing with become more apparent throughout the day, it could be worse.

The problem, we can become so ungrateful as th eday progresses, especially with all the dealing of life. And, one of the most important lessons this whole situation has taught me is just how ungrateful one can become due something so newt, something which causes irritation, aggravation, and exhaustion; especially when there ae so many things which cause something so much greater, which have could be much worse.

So, rather than sit there and throw yourself a pity party… rather than feeding into the victim role, feeling sorry for yourself… being ungrateful for that which you don’t have or that which you’re going through, be grateful for that which you do have and that which you aren’t going through… because it could be worse. You could be fighting of your life. So, take a moment, analyze your situation and consider the potential of something much worse than which you are going through, and be grateful that you aren’t in that situation. Because, no matter what you are going through it could be worse.

Be healthy and avoid unnecessary visits to the doctor.

Always Doing Something, Never Doing Nothing

If you know me, I’m always something, always working on something… I can’t just never do nothing, it’s literally impossible… trust me, I have tried. So, with working on my upcoming workshop, I have decided to also begin sending out my work to online publications, writing for others, as well as writing for my personal site, while at the same time building and working on my site… plus, looking at stocks and playing the market … I’m non stop. It doesn’t stop there… I thinking of teaching dance here… choreographing and bringing something new to this side of town; meaning I have to build and market to make it happen. I have the tools and knowledge, it’s about finding the time and making a routine out of it – a habit. I take on a lot, and love that. I wouldn’t trade it for the world… it’s who I am. I have too much energy to be at a stillstand.

The thing is can be so taxing… exhausting… especially the background sitework, in updating and improving the site, along with setting up the workshop, it’s been….. it’s been great!! P.s I’m saying that sarcastically.. it’s all fucking all Star Wars talk for me. Between downloading new widgets and configuring them, funneling everything to one hub… it’s intense. Some widgets work with other widgets, some do not, forcing you to find new ones or even rework… it is insanity for sometimes. One time it took eight hours to figure out how to code Woocommerce via Elementor, because unless you purchase the pro version, the app aren’t completely compable and because Woocommerce was compable with MailChimp (marketing widget)… I had to figure it out… trust me it was not easy… eight hours to change the font and colour on a button… a fucking button… I’m still so bitter about it, but I learnt a lot so I don’t mind at the same it, it’s more frustration that comes with the hunt.

In addition to that, whenever I update my site, making major changes, I have update close to 40 pages… it’s time consuming. The other day I stayed up shortcoding each page, all 45 of them, having to input five to six shortcodes on each, all becuase it would make my life hundred times easier moving forward. I didn’t even realize the time until I heard the bird chirping at 6:30 am, finally finished coding everything at 7:45 am to be exact. It’s actually out of this world insane. And, granted that I’m not an expert at any of this, and I’m learning as I’m going, which is a lot more time consuming and as I’m going to feeling things out. And as my knowledge grows, new things are added, and you began to think of additional variables such as, efficiency, function, consistency, aesthetics, user intregration, etc., so much comes into factor, and therefore so many changes occur.

Plus, I’m meticulous when it comes to certain things and super organized, in all honesty I’m a little over the top, borderline OCD… I mean my whole closet is coloured coordinated, then further organized by type… everything from my pants to my underwear drawer… I know kind of insane, right?! I know this, I accept it and don’t expect it; and, I’m willing. Hence, why I never hired anyone to do my site. I would been terrible to deal with, I didn’t know what I wanted, I would constantly being changing and adding things as I have been doing… reorganizing everything everytime. Plus, I would feel bad, making this person jump through hoops due to my OCD and indecisiveness, no that’s so unfair. And, I’m not a fan of asking someone to do something for me, even if I pay them, especially if I could just do it myself.

So, that’s what I do, and because I’m a freak when it comes to things, while learning as I go I have to invest so much time, because they take so much time. Plus, what is learnt can be taught… meaning, it’s additional service I can offer, another online workshop I can develop, gaining additional revenue. Always thinking!!! It’s a business mindset. And, I enjoy sharing knowledge, especially with those ready to recieve it and willing to establish an exchange for it.

In addition, when you have dedicate so much to something, so much time and effort, committing to it… you can’t half ass it… there would have been no point in starting if you just planned to throw it away, such a waste of time and completely unnecessary. Something way more productive could have been done during that time, which could help you not only the present moment, but for the future as well. It’s a matter of getting shit done and the longer you take the worst it is… the work piles up, you lose motivation and lose momentum -sometimes procasting so much you forget about it all together.

I guess that is why it is so important to be touch with everything all time, not only professionally but personally as well. One can easily lose focus, getting lost in a standstill. There should always be something, some interaction with growth… progression you could say… hence why I value time so much, because there is always something… something to do, there is never nothing. And, that’s progression! You shouldn’t standstill for too long, as one should not overwhelm themselves for too long either. And, for someone like me who is always doing something and never nothing, it makes so much more appreciate of those moments of stillness… they are gold.

For the problem with always doing something and never nothing is you never get a moment.. it’s rare to have a moment to just be… to just…. be still. I’m either writing, researching, watching stocks, updating my social media, or looking for the next adventure… I’m never just still. And, it’s exhausting, I love it, but it takes a lot out of me. Days go by where I hardly get sleep, sometimes running on five to six hours of sleep on a 72 hours time clock… it’s overwhelming. I most definitely overwork myself, I don;t complain, I’m cool with it, because I don;t have to… I choose too. And, if you choose, you accept it, and therefore can’t complain about it. It can be a lot at times, moments were I’m just over exhausted I just want to cry, so tired mentally… so drained… and I just keep going, keep pushing. Never really stop taking things on and feel guilty when not.

I guess that’s why when I find that stillness in someone I hold on, never letting go… for they have managed to touch my spirit.. my soul in such a way that allows me to forget everything, and for that moment they are all that matter. In addition to that, I usually have a feeling of guilt overwhelm me, when I take time away from all it is I’m doing. So, being still and at peace with that is rare, at least for me, for I always have something and never have nothing… so, in those moments they are all that I can focus on, for they are truly the ones that matter. And, that is the most beautiful thing for me… the ability to be still.

But, I must say I love always having something… I love that fact that something is always happening, something is always going on… and as crazy as it is, as stressful as it can be, it makes those moments of stillness worth so much more. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, for they are everything… they are gold. But, it’s like anything you can’t appreciate one without having the other, you must experience both, or else there is no distinction to note. With being said, I’m thankful for the crazy chaotic moments, but extremely grateful for those moments that I can breath… that I can just be still… feels like gold to me.

At Peace

There is something about this place… something that makes me feel so at peace. No idea what it is, maybe the fact that I’m away from all the nonsense that is my life back home in Toronto, but as soon as I land and step off the plane, such weight is lifted off my shoulders… it’s incredible. There is just something so magical… so transformative about it all. All I can do is embrace it… embrace everything about it, and just live in it… live in the moment of it all. It is as though being present is the only thing one can do, almost as though it is impossible to not be present. Free from all the thoughts that set me back and keep me from being at peace.

I can literally walk down the street without headphones, no music, no distractions… just me, listening to the noise of what surrounds me… the cars, chatter among people, kids playing… soaking everything in… taking in the shops, the people… absorbing all that surrounds me. It has never felt so good being alone…

It’s interesting though, because I do have friends, but part of me rather be alone in this place, than with anyone else… almost as though, they ruin my peace, my state of mind… not allowing me to fully be present to all that surrounds me… distracting me from the beauty, the culture, the stillness of it all. For when others are present, you almost feel an obligation to strike a conversation and sometimes you just don’t want to talk, you can want to be… and there aren’t a lot of people that you can just be… be there in silence and be comfortable; and if conversation does strike, it doesn’t even need to be about anything, something I wrote about in one of my other posts, Living In Nonsense. talking about everything, while talking about nothing. It actually alleviates so much off your shoulders, and allows to still absorb all that surrounds you, because in actuality your brain isn’t really thinking, it isn’t focusing on the conversation, rather it just focuses on that which surrounds you… and like I mention in the post, this types of conversations don’t just happen with anyone.

Aside from all of that, it is the peace that fills my soul that is gold… it is the enlightment of it all that is everything and more. The fact that I can sit in silence and think nothing of it, make nothing of it, is everything. And, here is the thing, so much is going on, so much is happening and yet I’m at such peace regardless of it all. For one, I’m still figuring out the rental of my place, going back and forth between long and short term rental, which has caused me to be a month behind on my mortgage due to my indecisiveness. Another is the ugly separation of my parents, which is so uncalled for and extremely unnececesary, granted that one side is being nothing be reasonable, whereas the other side is extremely off balance and making the situation more difficult than what it needs to be. So, believe me, the stresses are still very much present. It is just a matter of the state of mind in which we approach things, that changes everything.

And, because I can’t help but feel at peace where I am, it is making the stresses of my life a whole lot easier to tolerate… giving me a calm state of mind… peace within my soul, which allows me to think clearly. It’s incredible! I never realized that something like this could be accomplished by the mere relocation of one’s life… yes, distance can make dealings easier, but it could most definitely make them harder. And, the fact that I’m at such peace is a huge eye opener for me. Maybe it’s the people… maybe it is the culture… or maybe it is the beach, the sound of the waves crashing that gives me peace.

But, this place is everything to me right now… and I love it! I’m loving the peace within my soul…. in my spirit…