Healthy Substitution – Pt. 30

I had enrolled into back into dance, it became my escape -still is. It is my drug, a way for me to release all and any tension, any built up emotion. The thing is it is still avoidance, but just in a different form. So it makes me wonder if it is just substitution? And if so, do we all have these ‘forms’ of substitution? A method of escape? Is it something we need in order to move forward? To cope what all that has happened and all that is? For sure. We need healthy methods of release, a way in which we escape reality, even if it is for a split second, we need it for our own sanity.

As for love, I didn’t let anyone in, shutdown until I met my ex-fiance… I spent four and half years on complete shut down, and I mean complete… it was an interesting time, as I embraced the power of being a women. It was lovely, I risked a lot and I learnt a shit ton about myself and others, that is the characters in society… types of people. It was a time where the world was my testing ground, I would make plays and observe. I was a student both in school and life, I was there to learn, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice, that’s the next story. But, this is the end for now…

 

To be continued… not yet.. but sometime soon.

-C. Remi

<<Part 29

Bring on Life – Pt. 29

It was enough talking, listening and feeling, it was time to start acting, start actually implementing things… you know put the wheels in motion, get things going to where you want them to go. It was less talking, less thinking, more doing -actions speak louder than words.

For the first year back at school, I close off the world and just did me -I flipped the switch, yet again and this time in a way that benefitted me, rather than hindering. I shut out all the noises, I mean everything. I was offline. I didn’t drink, I didn’t go out, and I don’t just mean out clubbing, I mean like at all. It was school and home, that was it. That was all I wanted. I became the biggest nerd.. haha! School was everything to me, I had something to prove after that fuck up, and so I did it, I graduated university with a Honors Degree in Bachelor of Arts (Philosophy Specialist).

But, it wasn’t until second year, when I met one of my closest friends, one of the few humans that knows my soul inside and out, and not through feeling but conversation. His is one, out of the two people that knows how and why I think the way that I think and do the things that I do or don’t, one of the few that have taken the time to converse on another level to better understand… I don’t how to explain it, I think it’s a philosophy thing. But, if it wasn’t for him I probably would have kept myself in isolation. He brought me back to life, one of my best friends to this day. And, as I got out of my shell life happened… adventures, experiences…

 

To be continued…

<<Part 28        Part 30>>

Rehab – Pt. 28

As messed up as the whole situation was, everything fell together nicely. Because, I was high as kite when I got arrested, my defense was an easy one… it was an addiction. So, I had to go to rehab and I didn’t care if I wasn’t an addict, I was convicted with possession for the purpose, that’s a serious conviction, and if I was charged, it would determine my whole future and that scared the shit out of me so, I needed to be there. It didn’t matter how it looked from the outside. I needed to do what needed to be done. I got myself into this mess and I had to get myself out.

Rehab was an eye opener, it showed me humanity and the beauty of vulnerability, it showed the strengthen we have on our weakenesses… it showed me life -naked and bare, nothing attached. It showed that everybody has a story, and everybody did have a story, and some were so terrifiying that to this day gives me chills. It definitely helped with feeling, because the only thing there was to do was to talk about how you felt, talk about what was really going on, what was really at the forefront of it all. Talk, listen, observe and feel. It taught me kindness, not only for others, but for myself, it taught me to never judge and it taught me to dig deeper than what was at the surface; it gave me such a better understanding of the world, life and people. And, crazy as this may sound, I am grateful I went, it gave me the opportunity to witness first-hand just how beautiful humanity was… how weak yet strong each of us really are. It was an insightful experience, I got a lot out of it and when it came to end, it was about moving on to the next step.

 

To be continued…

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