Always Doing Something, Never Doing Nothing

If you know me, I’m always something, always working on something… I can’t just never do nothing, it’s literally impossible… trust me, I have tried. So, with working on my upcoming workshop, I have decided to also begin sending out my work to online publications, writing for others, as well as writing for my personal site, while at the same time building and working on my site… plus, looking at stocks and playing the market … I’m non stop. It doesn’t stop there… I thinking of teaching dance here… choreographing and bringing something new to this side of town; meaning I have to build and market to make it happen. I have the tools and knowledge, it’s about finding the time and making a routine out of it – a habit. I take on a lot, and love that. I wouldn’t trade it for the world… it’s who I am. I have too much energy to be at a stillstand.

The thing is can be so taxing… exhausting… especially the background sitework, in updating and improving the site, along with setting up the workshop, it’s been….. it’s been great!! P.s I’m saying that sarcastically.. it’s all fucking all Star Wars talk for me. Between downloading new widgets and configuring them, funneling everything to one hub… it’s intense. Some widgets work with other widgets, some do not, forcing you to find new ones or even rework… it is insanity for sometimes. One time it took eight hours to figure out how to code Woocommerce via Elementor, because unless you purchase the pro version, the app aren’t completely compable and because Woocommerce was compable with MailChimp (marketing widget)… I had to figure it out… trust me it was not easy… eight hours to change the font and colour on a button… a fucking button… I’m still so bitter about it, but I learnt a lot so I don’t mind at the same it, it’s more frustration that comes with the hunt.

In addition to that, whenever I update my site, making major changes, I have update close to 40 pages… it’s time consuming. The other day I stayed up shortcoding each page, all 45 of them, having to input five to six shortcodes on each, all becuase it would make my life hundred times easier moving forward. I didn’t even realize the time until I heard the bird chirping at 6:30 am, finally finished coding everything at 7:45 am to be exact. It’s actually out of this world insane. And, granted that I’m not an expert at any of this, and I’m learning as I’m going, which is a lot more time consuming and as I’m going to feeling things out. And as my knowledge grows, new things are added, and you began to think of additional variables such as, efficiency, function, consistency, aesthetics, user intregration, etc., so much comes into factor, and therefore so many changes occur.

Plus, I’m meticulous when it comes to certain things and super organized, in all honesty I’m a little over the top, borderline OCD… I mean my whole closet is coloured coordinated, then further organized by type… everything from my pants to my underwear drawer… I know kind of insane, right?! I know this, I accept it and don’t expect it; and, I’m willing. Hence, why I never hired anyone to do my site. I would been terrible to deal with, I didn’t know what I wanted, I would constantly being changing and adding things as I have been doing… reorganizing everything everytime. Plus, I would feel bad, making this person jump through hoops due to my OCD and indecisiveness, no that’s so unfair. And, I’m not a fan of asking someone to do something for me, even if I pay them, especially if I could just do it myself.

So, that’s what I do, and because I’m a freak when it comes to things, while learning as I go I have to invest so much time, because they take so much time. Plus, what is learnt can be taught… meaning, it’s additional service I can offer, another online workshop I can develop, gaining additional revenue. Always thinking!!! It’s a business mindset. And, I enjoy sharing knowledge, especially with those ready to recieve it and willing to establish an exchange for it.

In addition, when you have dedicate so much to something, so much time and effort, committing to it… you can’t half ass it… there would have been no point in starting if you just planned to throw it away, such a waste of time and completely unnecessary. Something way more productive could have been done during that time, which could help you not only the present moment, but for the future as well. It’s a matter of getting shit done and the longer you take the worst it is… the work piles up, you lose motivation and lose momentum -sometimes procasting so much you forget about it all together.

I guess that is why it is so important to be touch with everything all time, not only professionally but personally as well. One can easily lose focus, getting lost in a standstill. There should always be something, some interaction with growth… progression you could say… hence why I value time so much, because there is always something… something to do, there is never nothing. And, that’s progression! You shouldn’t standstill for too long, as one should not overwhelm themselves for too long either. And, for someone like me who is always doing something and never nothing, it makes so much more appreciate of those moments of stillness… they are gold.

For the problem with always doing something and never nothing is you never get a moment.. it’s rare to have a moment to just be… to just…. be still. I’m either writing, researching, watching stocks, updating my social media, or looking for the next adventure… I’m never just still. And, it’s exhausting, I love it, but it takes a lot out of me. Days go by where I hardly get sleep, sometimes running on five to six hours of sleep on a 72 hours time clock… it’s overwhelming. I most definitely overwork myself, I don;t complain, I’m cool with it, because I don;t have to… I choose too. And, if you choose, you accept it, and therefore can’t complain about it. It can be a lot at times, moments were I’m just over exhausted I just want to cry, so tired mentally… so drained… and I just keep going, keep pushing. Never really stop taking things on and feel guilty when not.

I guess that’s why when I find that stillness in someone I hold on, never letting go… for they have managed to touch my spirit.. my soul in such a way that allows me to forget everything, and for that moment they are all that matter. In addition to that, I usually have a feeling of guilt overwhelm me, when I take time away from all it is I’m doing. So, being still and at peace with that is rare, at least for me, for I always have something and never have nothing… so, in those moments they are all that I can focus on, for they are truly the ones that matter. And, that is the most beautiful thing for me… the ability to be still.

But, I must say I love always having something… I love that fact that something is always happening, something is always going on… and as crazy as it is, as stressful as it can be, it makes those moments of stillness worth so much more. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, for they are everything… they are gold. But, it’s like anything you can’t appreciate one without having the other, you must experience both, or else there is no distinction to note. With being said, I’m thankful for the crazy chaotic moments, but extremely grateful for those moments that I can breath… that I can just be still… feels like gold to me.

At Peace

There is something about this place… something that makes me feel so at peace. No idea what it is, maybe the fact that I’m away from all the nonsense that is my life back home in Toronto, but as soon as I land and step off the plane, such weight is lifted off my shoulders… it’s incredible. There is just something so magical… so transformative about it all. All I can do is embrace it… embrace everything about it, and just live in it… live in the moment of it all. It is as though being present is the only thing one can do, almost as though it is impossible to not be present. Free from all the thoughts that set me back and keep me from being at peace.

I can literally walk down the street without headphones, no music, no distractions… just me, listening to the noise of what surrounds me… the cars, chatter among people, kids playing… soaking everything in… taking in the shops, the people… absorbing all that surrounds me. It has never felt so good being alone…

It’s interesting though, because I do have friends, but part of me rather be alone in this place, than with anyone else… almost as though, they ruin my peace, my state of mind… not allowing me to fully be present to all that surrounds me… distracting me from the beauty, the culture, the stillness of it all. For when others are present, you almost feel an obligation to strike a conversation and sometimes you just don’t want to talk, you can want to be… and there aren’t a lot of people that you can just be… be there in silence and be comfortable; and if conversation does strike, it doesn’t even need to be about anything, something I wrote about in one of my other posts, Living In Nonsense. talking about everything, while talking about nothing. It actually alleviates so much off your shoulders, and allows to still absorb all that surrounds you, because in actuality your brain isn’t really thinking, it isn’t focusing on the conversation, rather it just focuses on that which surrounds you… and like I mention in the post, this types of conversations don’t just happen with anyone.

Aside from all of that, it is the peace that fills my soul that is gold… it is the enlightment of it all that is everything and more. The fact that I can sit in silence and think nothing of it, make nothing of it, is everything. And, here is the thing, so much is going on, so much is happening and yet I’m at such peace regardless of it all. For one, I’m still figuring out the rental of my place, going back and forth between long and short term rental, which has caused me to be a month behind on my mortgage due to my indecisiveness. Another is the ugly separation of my parents, which is so uncalled for and extremely unnececesary, granted that one side is being nothing be reasonable, whereas the other side is extremely off balance and making the situation more difficult than what it needs to be. So, believe me, the stresses are still very much present. It is just a matter of the state of mind in which we approach things, that changes everything.

And, because I can’t help but feel at peace where I am, it is making the stresses of my life a whole lot easier to tolerate… giving me a calm state of mind… peace within my soul, which allows me to think clearly. It’s incredible! I never realized that something like this could be accomplished by the mere relocation of one’s life… yes, distance can make dealings easier, but it could most definitely make them harder. And, the fact that I’m at such peace is a huge eye opener for me. Maybe it’s the people… maybe it is the culture… or maybe it is the beach, the sound of the waves crashing that gives me peace.

But, this place is everything to me right now… and I love it! I’m loving the peace within my soul…. in my spirit…

Uncomfortable Skin

For the past three weeks, I have been battling some sort of rash, feeling itchy, gross and extremely uncomfortable. I have gone to doctors, tried allergy pills, creams, natural remedies and nothing seems to be working. It’s been terrible. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not wanting to see anyone, be out in public, just away from everything. And, it has most definitely taken a toll on my daily activites, not only because of the constantly itchy and scratching, but because of how unhappy I am with my skin. And, mind you, I suffered from acne for a while, so feel this discomfort is huge, especially, when it isn’t even visible, granted that it is on my body, all over my body, therefore covered by clothes. It’s been so bad, I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy, it is the most self-depleting, degrading feeling one could ever experience.

It’s been countless nights without sleep, tossing and turning, scratching and itching, to the extend that one night I actually slept in a bathtub filled with water to just soak and stop the itch, so that I could finally sleep. I actually passed out, I did strategically place myself in such a way that it would be hard to drown. But, you probably still think I’m crazy for doing that, because how dangerous it is… the potentially and everything. But, honestly desperate times call for desoerate measures. Plus, how I see it, is the universe doesn’t want me to die just yet, too many near death experiences where I should have died, but didn’t… so I can suffer, but not die… guess you can say I’m destined for something more.

Either way, it doesn’t change how uncomfortable this whole thing is… the itching, reddness, bumps… the emotional baggage of insecurities that come with something like this… something which alters your appearance. It never occurred to me how much one could be affected by something so superficial, such as appearance, while not being superficial at all. Like I said, I didn’t want to go out, see anyone, do anything… just be home alone, soaking in a tub and doing what I need to do to get better… feeling so unhappy with myself and in my skin.

The thing that bothered me most through all of this was not being able to be there for the people I care about, the people I love. You see, I was away for a good two months and went back home for two weeks to pack up my place, sell my car, help the family in the business and say goodbyes the ones I care about before heading off for a year; and, I wasn’t exactly able to much of any of it. I managed to pack up my place and sell my car, but wasn’t able to help the family, because I couldn’t (if I wore clothes, it would only aggravate my skin). I did get to say goodbye to most of the individuals I wanted too, granted that they insisted on coming to see me, as I would done the same of them, had the roles been reversed; but I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted, because of how I felt. I didn’t want them seeing me the way I was and, it didn’t matter how bad I wanted to see them, I just couldn’t, I couldn’t find it in myself. And, that kills me… it was such a huge eye opener.

You see, for me this is only temporary, but some people this is everyday life. For some, they have been living uncomfortably in their skin for years, and to experience such discomfort is extremely detrimental to one’s self-esteem, to the way in which they live life and go about pursuing goals. It’s heartbreaking, though as much as I was uncomfortable in my skin, I didn’t allow it to affect my vibe… I stayed positive, focused and smiled the whole way through, the outside world wouldn’t have even realized just how much I disliked myself in those moments, and that helped quite a bit.

But, one thing that occurred to me, and I guess given my situation at the time, life goes on… and we can either feed into our feelings, allowing them to dictate our life, or we could push through, disregarding them and continuing on. But, it’s easier said than done, but it is about trying… trying your best, even when you aren’t feeling your best. And, you may not be succeed in following through with everything, but at least you followed through with some… something is better than nothing. Plus, the more you push the better you begin to feel, the more empowered you are, knowing that you can do it, even in the most difficult of times. You see, I may not have been able to do everything I wanted, but in doing some I began feeling a bit better about myself, though it was hard, it was rewarding.

The important thing to take away from all of this is, sometimes life requires us to act on our feelings, our emotions… but, sometimes life requires us to act against that which we feel, in order to bring us to something new… some new state of mind.