Uncomfortable Skin

For the past three weeks, I have been battling some sort of rash, feeling itchy, gross and extremely uncomfortable. I have gone to doctors, tried allergy pills, creams, natural remedies and nothing seems to be working. It’s been terrible. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not wanting to see anyone, be out in public, just away from everything. And, it has most definitely taken a toll on my daily activites, not only because of the constantly itchy and scratching, but because of how unhappy I am with my skin. And, mind you, I suffered from acne for a while, so feel this discomfort is huge, especially, when it isn’t even visible, granted that it is on my body, all over my body, therefore covered by clothes. It’s been so bad, I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy, it is the most self-depleting, degrading feeling one could ever experience.

It’s been countless nights without sleep, tossing and turning, scratching and itching, to the extend that one night I actually slept in a bathtub filled with water to just soak and stop the itch, so that I could finally sleep. I actually passed out, I did strategically place myself in such a way that it would be hard to drown. But, you probably still think I’m crazy for doing that, because how dangerous it is… the potentially and everything. But, honestly desperate times call for desoerate measures. Plus, how I see it, is the universe doesn’t want me to die just yet, too many near death experiences where I should have died, but didn’t… so I can suffer, but not die… guess you can say I’m destined for something more.

Either way, it doesn’t change how uncomfortable this whole thing is… the itching, reddness, bumps… the emotional baggage of insecurities that come with something like this… something which alters your appearance. It never occurred to me how much one could be affected by something so superficial, such as appearance, while not being superficial at all. Like I said, I didn’t want to go out, see anyone, do anything… just be home alone, soaking in a tub and doing what I need to do to get better… feeling so unhappy with myself and in my skin.

The thing that bothered me most through all of this was not being able to be there for the people I care about, the people I love. You see, I was away for a good two months and went back home for two weeks to pack up my place, sell my car, help the family in the business and say goodbyes the ones I care about before heading off for a year; and, I wasn’t exactly able to much of any of it. I managed to pack up my place and sell my car, but wasn’t able to help the family, because I couldn’t (if I wore clothes, it would only aggravate my skin). I did get to say goodbye to most of the individuals I wanted too, granted that they insisted on coming to see me, as I would done the same of them, had the roles been reversed; but I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted, because of how I felt. I didn’t want them seeing me the way I was and, it didn’t matter how bad I wanted to see them, I just couldn’t, I couldn’t find it in myself. And, that kills me… it was such a huge eye opener.

You see, for me this is only temporary, but some people this is everyday life. For some, they have been living uncomfortably in their skin for years, and to experience such discomfort is extremely detrimental to one’s self-esteem, to the way in which they live life and go about pursuing goals. It’s heartbreaking, though as much as I was uncomfortable in my skin, I didn’t allow it to affect my vibe… I stayed positive, focused and smiled the whole way through, the outside world wouldn’t have even realized just how much I disliked myself in those moments, and that helped quite a bit.

But, one thing that occurred to me, and I guess given my situation at the time, life goes on… and we can either feed into our feelings, allowing them to dictate our life, or we could push through, disregarding them and continuing on. But, it’s easier said than done, but it is about trying… trying your best, even when you aren’t feeling your best. And, you may not be succeed in following through with everything, but at least you followed through with some… something is better than nothing. Plus, the more you push the better you begin to feel, the more empowered you are, knowing that you can do it, even in the most difficult of times. You see, I may not have been able to do everything I wanted, but in doing some I began feeling a bit better about myself, though it was hard, it was rewarding.

The important thing to take away from all of this is, sometimes life requires us to act on our feelings, our emotions… but, sometimes life requires us to act against that which we feel, in order to bring us to something new… some new state of mind.

Failure

The concept of failure has played a huge role throughout my life, it literally is a vicious cycle within all the others, which makes it probably the most dangerous, because not only do we fear failure, but we fear success as well. Often at times, not allowing ourselves to take the necessary actions, being too afraid of things not working out just as much as we are afraid of it working out, given that both lead to the question ‘what than?’, ‘what do I do next?’. And, sometimes we fear failure so much, we become enslaved by success… and we just keep going, going and going, afraid that if we stop or when we stop, we have failed, for it will never be enough for it to feel like ‘success’, and if and when it does, there is always something more. And, it can be mistruded with determination, but don’t be fooled by how great your mind is at playing tricks, having you believe something completely different from that which is.

I’ve always known the fear of failure that lived in me, it was most definitely apparent throughout my life, as I shared in a prior post Haunted By The Past, a lot happened, which allowed me to create this kind of view to myself, that I was a failure at life. Determined, but a failure, which in ways manifested into becoming determined at being a failure, putting myself in situations to only fail and feed into my pity party. But, to than become obsessed with everything having to be a success, that I would actually be too afraid to act, thinking that given my track record, the chances of success are very slim and I would aboard mission; while, at the same time thinking I didn’t do enough for it to feel like success, so I would keep going and going; that is what vicious cycles are all about, which I explain in the workshop freebie, Vicious Cycles – How They Work. And as I said, I have always been aware of this cycle of failure I created, but it wasn’t until I put myself in the most uncomfortable of situations, moving to a whole new country… alone.

The transition has literally forced me out of my comfortable zone in many ways, so much of me is still very afraid of failure, but this time around it isn’t so much of failure, as it is being alone and figuring it out on my own, that is, it isn’t about failing at things not working out, but rather at not being able to be alone and figuring it out. But, it is still very much failure, regardless of the context, I’m still afraid of something not working out… not happening and falling through. And, being that this journey has forced me out of my comfort zone in ways, it raised awareness to just how deep the fear of failure rests within my being… my mind… understanding just how aggressive it really is, flourishing into all sorts of other avenues within my life, manifesting in so much different ways… it’s quite mindblowing how the mind can manipulate our state of being to that which is it accustomed to feeling and/or thinking relative to our current circumstances.

This fear of ‘not being able to figure it out’ creates the determinism to figure it out, while the anxiety of being away from everything known, everything and everyone I love, increases… but, I refuse to ‘fail’ so I continue going and going, pushing through, so I could say that for once in my life I succeed at something… yet, part of me still feels like a failure. For even if I do succeed on figuring it out, my mind creates another story, that I was unable to figure things out beside the people I love… I wasn’t strong enough to withstand that politics of my life, so the only way to succeed is to avoid, and it begs the question… is it really success? Granted that, I failed at making things work in a city I was born and rised in, next to everything known to me. It just goes full circle, and will continue going, if not made aware to it. Hence, why it is so important to understand ourselves on a deeper level, such that we can pinpoint the cause of our actions and lack of, freeing ourselves from our justifications and opening ourselves up to that will change our lives by tranforming our mind.

The purpose of the Master Your Mind Workshop is to help you understand what kind of life you have created for yourself by allowing to certain emotions and feelings overcome you, but also to identify the root cause, giving you massive breakthroughs on why life is what it is for you right now at this moment. And, because of that, it actually provides with all that you need to overcome any of life’s obstacles and challenges, it gives you the framework to understand your mind and how it works, which it turn allows you to become a master of your own mind, manipulating it for the better… for the good… for that which serves you.

The question is are you willing to set yourself free?

Masks

For those of you who know me, whether it be personally, social media or reading my story, it is pretty apparent that a lot is hidden… a lot of masks worn… and a whole lot of pretending, that is, that everything is fine… everything is okay… it has just been the name of the game. I don’t like to show my emotions, so I’m always happy… always smiling… always positive… no one needs to know what is really going on underneath it all, because how I see it, it’s for me to figure out… for me to deal with and handle… no one else’s problem, but my own. Plus, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me… pity me… no, thank you. Furthermore, what’s the purpose?! I love sharing, don’t get me wrong… I just hate feeling… even to this day, I struggle with expressing my vulnerability… my hurt, my pain, my battles… everything, so much so, that when I wrote the Numb SeriesI scheduled my posts in advance, unable to retract the story, and I still do it with a lot of my posts (personal ones). And, I don’t know what it is, but I hate to cry… especially in front of people… I’m so uncomfortable with it, that as I write this, I’m disliking the fact that I’m even sharing that I cry and that I hurt.

I didn’t realize how much I held in until I started writing, because I would drink and smoke like a chimney sitting there crying my eyes out as I would write. And, that was when it hit me… just how broken I am, pretending that everything is fine. Part of me knew the truth, for I would have days that all I wanted to do… all I needed to do is breakdown. There were days I craved going home, so I could shut door behind me and just crumble… and were many days like that… closing the door behind and falling to the floor and just crying and crying and crying… because, I just didn’t know how to deal with it all. I have put on an act for so long, it was a part of my being and it still is in a way… been so good at pretending that I’ve mastered forgetting… literally blocking things out automatically, going in one ear and how out the other. At times, I do it so much that I’m not even present to the current conversation, I’m listening, but I’m not really listening… not absorbing anything, too afraid that it has the potential to disturb me in some way… for it is true what they say ignorance really is bliss. For I’ve created this person, this image of myself, that nothing can hurt me… nothing should hurt me, because I’m fine… I’m good, just keep smiling and laughing, and everything will be fine… everything will work out.

But, that mentality has deeply impacted my everyday life, given that there are times I push with all my might and times that I take the route of ‘everything will work out’ without taking serious action for it to work out, which is problematic due to the lack of initiative being taken on ensuring that things will in fact be alright. And, on top of it, giving justification that it wasn’t might to work out, but in actuality certains things didn’t work out, because I was living in an ‘ignorance is bliss’ kind of mindset. Pretending I was alright… unimpacted, unaffected by life’s world of emotions, and regardless of what I felt inside, I would take the road of less resistance, rather than taking the necessary action… avoiding it to not deal with it, literally handing over my power, while allowing myself to believe that I was in control of my life… because I’m good no matter what happens… smile, laughing everything will work out… pretending again -it’s a vicious cycle. And, it is most definitely real, we all create these in our lives.

The purpose of the Master Your Mind Workshop is to help you understand what kind of life you have created for yourself -the vicious cycle, by allowing to certain emotions and feelings overcome you, or not, but it also helps identify the root cause, giving you massive breakthroughs on why life is what it is for you right now at this moment. And, because of that, it actually provides with all that you need to overcome any of life’s obstacles and challenges, it gives you the framework to understand your mind and how it works, which it turn allows you to become a master of your own mind, manipulating it for the better… for the good… for that which serves you.

The question is are you willing to set yourself free?