Part of me left to get away and find peace within myself, within my life, and another part left because I was hurt. I had let my guard down willingly for someone that was in no position to let theirs down, fully aware of the situation, I still choose not to accept it, thinking that maybe I could bring the light out… just maybe I would be that person that created a shift in them. And, the fact that I was unsuccessful tore me to pieces for many reasons, for one, it hurt and secondly, it caused me to doubt so much… ability, honor, understanding, communication, trust, love, intention… it created doubt within me, within my soul… bringing up so many unsolved issues based around failure, causing me to just want to be alone.
And, I didn’t realize how much I was impacted until recently… like I knew I was impacted, I knew it affected me, just never realized how much. And, part of me has so many questions… first and foremost, what does it all mean? Secondly, why is it that it has created such turmoil within me? Now, I have already uncovered the answer to the second, but not the first, and first is probably the most important one… the one that eats away at me, itching for an answer… a definite answer. And, although I know I will never have a definite answer, for only time will tell, and therefore completely irrational to think I could even find an answer at this point, I just not satisfied… I just can’t seem to accept that I can’t have an answer. I’m so strung up on not making mistakes, on not failing, that I’m finding it so difficult to trust the universe in this moment with regards to this given situation. Maybe, it is because it is matters of the heart and I’m tired of breaking, or maybe it is because I’m afraid that I might lose out on something… no idea… and it drives me crazy.
Part of me knows that letting go is the only answer for salvation… for peace… for surrending hurts less, while the other part of me can’t seem to break free… and then again I’m faced with the question… What does it all mean? Like, really what the fuck man?! It’s like we enjoy torturing ourselves, creating our own problems within ourselves, a vicious cycle that we desperately want to get out of, but yet we created no distinct exit point… it’s like find your way bitch… I shouldn’t be making jokes about this, but for real it’s insanity what we create within our minds… within ourselves. It’s as though we have nothing better to do then to fuck with ourselves, then be upset that we can’t seem to find a way out of that which we created. Like, DUH!!!! We made it so there was no escaping.
If we were only as good at unfucking our minds, as we are fucking with them, we would be able to accomplish anything and everything. But, unfortunately, that isn’t the case. We are just to good at accepting the complicated, disturbing and troublesome thinking over all else, because it is that much easier… why? Because it gives us excuses… reasons for why it is safer and more comfortable to stick to that which you know, rather than that which you don’t. We can naturally make sense of the known, but of the unknown we have no clue where to start. Why? Because we want answers beforehand… before taking action, making choices… and we believe we have all the answers based on past experiences, and therefore we need them to dictate future experiences, because without them it would be like walking in blind… and how scary is that?! It’s like we need to know what happens, even before it happens, that’s assuming that it is going to even happen. But, how can we make sense if that which has yet to happen? How can we assume to have answers for that which has yet to unfold? We can’t… regardless of the past, it is so completely irrational to think this way, yet we all do it… we do it all the time.
I’ve been able to overcome quite bit in this journey, but I know I still have so much more I need to master, and as much as that can be disappointing in some regard, I’m actually quite excited for it all. Because, we should never feel as though there is nothing to work on, there is always something to work on… something to unfold within us that aids in your progression forward. It is a matter of acknowledging that which needs adjustment, that which needs healing, so that our journey in becoming the best version of ourselves becomes smoother along the ways. We are all working progresses and will always be working progresses… and there is no shame in that… after all, we all here to be the best we could possibly be… thinking that we’re perfect would be the biggest disservice we do to ourselves.